Cool - me own blog!

Well I made it with the usual range of strange goings on along the way. Being strapped into a chair for 10 hours straight, minimal access to any exercise at all, and the occasional pee break between movies isn't my personal idea of a good time. Combine that with the prospect of another 12 1/2 hours of the same to follow, and a guy somewhere upwind farting every now and then and you have my flight in a nutshell.

I got to Singapore - "You wish to buy duty free sir?" I assume it was rhetorical, but I answered anyway because the nice lady had obviously gone well out of her way to speak Engrish. So "Yes please" was uttered, and the confusion began.

What did I like (t'was a wine shop), oooo red... I like this and that - full bodies, not too acid yada yada yada... all good. I found one. I'm travelling with someone so (thinks I) I'll buy something else too, and he can pack it for me. Hardly a drug ring but it's kinda fun to this I have my own mule.

"Where you flying to?" asked my new friend, being very helpful, and giving Engrish a damned good go.

"Here to Frankfurt and on to Prague"

(From here on I'll do the Engrish to English translations for easy of reading, and an inability to really recall what she said.)

"Oh dear. You can not carry liquids onto those flights" and uttered something about liquids greater than one litre being a problem if you're heading onto more than just one flight. For some reason flying from A (Singapore) to B is fine, but if there is a B to C leg the liquids magically get transmuted into something far more sinister and the liquid police come and take it off me for fear of liquiding the plane out of the sky.

I wonder if this is a modern day water into wine story? I digress.

So - sod it. OK - sorry for wasting her time, I bow out of the shop and head onto the iPod shop where my beloved will be treated to a 2GB nano thingy with ear buds, downloads and ... stuff. It plays music for Gods sake... it make it easy and it looks good. What more is there? ooo plenty more... do I want this accessory? No? That one, had I considered these two and todays special is... you get the idea. No free steak knives though. A shame as I think that would have had the nice airplane people all excited when I whipped out my Ghinsu special edition and delivered a spontaneous demonstration on a Shoe, and tin can, followed by neatly chopping thin slice after thin slice off a tomato I hadn't prepared earlier.

AAAA well. So 1 iPod Nano, thankfully the 2GB one is only available is one colour so the fashion police have to speak to Apple, not I when it turns out to be a suboptimal fashion co-ordinated choice. ("I know the pink/blue/black... one would have looked nicer but it was only available in silver so I had to go with that!). Credit where it's due... my wife is a wonderfully forgiving woman, who actually complains very little, but the ability for me to predict her wants/need in the fashion arena are not increased by that fact. She just lets me off more I think.

So... NZ$207 poorer, and carrying a magic music box weighing in at about 2.3 flea farts I wonder if Gold might have been a better choice. Weight for weight it's quite possibly cheaper.

So off to the lounge. Comfy surrounding, ambient music and ... yet again... sitting down with nothing to do. Okie dokes. Maybe I'm just a whinger but this long distance travel things about as much fun as being locked in the loo with a DVD player (and no - no access to THOSE kind of movies - just an endless array of others).

The boarding call isn't made (Singapore airport doesn't do them, or maybe the lounge doesn't or... who knows) so we trot off to the gate. Stand in line... "Sorry sir - you're at Gate E20 (a long way from the lounge) you need F60 - that's a Singapore Airlines Flight - this is the codeshare flight put on by... I dunno who.

Yeah I stuffed up, wrong flight number - but I won't admit to it here.

So... the long trek back to the lounge we just came from, and (walking straight past)... a longer trek down to F60. We're running late...ish for the flight but they didn't read out names and make us do the Airport Walk of Shame where they threaten to take you off the plane, read the flight number and name you. The passengers at the gate already all get to have a giggle at your expense as they see you show up... "the named one". It's happened a couple of times before, and I've found a "who cares" approach is best. Total nonchalance, an air of "of course they'll wait for me" and if anyone asks just say "I am a little behind schedule".

"A little behind schedule" implies you actually have a schedule, are therefore organised and did your best. It also implies (quite nicely) whatever you chose to do was more important than making the 349 other passengers wait, thereby belittling them in 6 words or less"

Compare that to "Sorry I'm running late". Disorganised, out of control and a pain in the bum to the other 349 who now look down on you instead.

Anyway - on to the plane again and another 12 1/2 hours later we're in Frankfurt! YAY. No more mystery farting on the plane either - a pleasant change.

Another lounge, another wait, and this time I get word the house we're trying to sell has an offer on it, can I please receive a fax, countersign and fax it back. OK... find out fax number and with clinical German efficiency the fax starts to arrive and get handed to me page by page... mmm hmmm... this is putting me behind schedule here (phrase used again for effect...) and by the time the last page (14) is here- they're countersigned but there is no way I'll be able to fax it back in time... or the plane WILL leave without be.

The German's do not do disorganised... or behind schedule. You're either part of the punctual in crowd or you're not. Simple. Not excuses entertained and no correspondence entered into. So, fax in hand - onto the plane. I'll fax it from the Hotel.

Land in Prague. Find bags, buy the duty free booze, pass through customs into the taxi and we're off to the hotel. THAT was straight forward. Excellent.

Get to the hotel. For a mere 10 Euros a night I managed to get a room upgrade via an internet special, and it is still cheaper than the "Special Conference rate". Whoever negotiated that deserves to suffer an extended bout of humiliation... and they will... but I arrived, checked in, got the room key and off to the room, tired (30ish hours of travel does that... go figure) and the key will not open the door.

NOT a good start... but - press on. No point bitching and moaning, just fix it. Back to the lobby (bags and parcels all in tow)... room, door, key doesn't work... etc. No problems - this man will come with you... and he does, nice guy too, very chatty and good English! So he has this little black box with him, and proceeds to insert a key card on a wire into the door, and reprogram it.

That's a first for me - normally it's just a new key but hey - what do I know?

Enter the room and - not the one I asked for. Small - two single beds (I do NOT do single beds... they hurt). So I err.... hesitate - do I make a fuss?

HELL YES! Off to the lobby (bags left in room) and politely ask them to check the room vs. the printout. Yes right room, printout is wrong (as they are... who'd ever order anything based on the description), and the room described doesn't exist. Hoooo kay! So they explain no, but they find me another room like the one my colleague has - but it's one of the ones that has not been done up yet. So I ask to see it anyway.

It's a hell of a lot nicer, a large bed and I'll take it! I slowly (through my sleep deprived senses) work out they've paid good money to downgrade the rooms, making them less useful to the average international traveller and it doesn't make sense. Who am I to complain though - I got what I wanted - eventually.

I head downstairs to collect my luggage from the other room and lo - the card key doesn't work... again... AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH. Those that know me will realise I'm slow to anger. I can get frustrated but deal with that in my own precious way (taking the piss out of people works well I find). This last incident did push my buttons a bit though.

Right - off to fax my 14 page contract back to NZ and get a house sale process kicked off in earnest. That's 210 Czeck Kronors please. (Quick mental calc... divide by 25 is about 8.5 Euros, doubled, is 19ish NZD). Yep ok. Sounds reasonable. "Oh you have more than one page?" (I'm not kidding...).

Yes says I... 14 of them.

That's 210 CZK per page...mmm hmmm... so 19ish times 14 is ummm - a problem! About 235.50 problems actually (in NZD speak). Golly says I. And it's urgent, and has to go, and is holding up a big sale and and... and...she said - I'll use the lower rate for you - 80CZK/page. Thank God for that - only 90 bucks to send the fax... at least reasonable. (How do I make that look as cynical as I meant it?) Dunno - I won't try. It's back from lala land but not too far this side of the border.

So I ask if the fax can go on a high res setting - it needs to be very clear (lots of fine print). "We only have one fax machine". I accept the win I've already made reducing the insane rate to a mere mentally unstable one... I say ok - send it. They did.

I'm beginning to suspect the die has been cast for this trip. So I go back to the room, catch an hours sleep the alarm fails and I sleep for 5 1/2. Not good, but no surprise, ring home things are good. The Mother in Law is there so my wife has some family help looking after the 3 kids while I'm away. Happy about that too.

Dinner, meet some old acquaintances, speak to a mad as a meat axe Englishman who does QC on Liquified Natural Gas, working 6 out of 8 weeks in an armed compound in Nigeria (as one does...) and I'm off to bed. End of day, midnight - I'll put that one down to a hell of an experience...

So here I sit - beginning of day two in Prague. I had breakfast and while walking along the line of food I helped myself to the various bits and bobs... and LO... the hot food... isn't! HUH?????

So a quick analysis of what's going on quickly revealed the people on the kitchen may well be that same people that decided on the expensive hotel downgrade. The put the food in big stainless bain-marie trays, under heat lamps. No heating underneath them of course - they're under the heat lamps... but then they put the lids on.

To spell it out - here's what happens. The lid (stainless steel) reflects the light coming at is making the surroundings bask in the thermal red glow of the lamps. Everyone walking past gets the impression stuff is hot - they can feel the heat! Hell you even burn your hands on the lids taking them off … but is the FOOD warmed at all??? ... no...

No heat at all. Nothing underneath it, and no heat can get in the top.

But the coffee was good - I'll focus on that. Welcome to Prague.