Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Ever wondered how animals think?

Camel: Who's dumped that fucker on my back?

Giraffe: Hope I don't get a sore throat.

Hyena: That is so frigging funny.

Monkey: Want to buy a car aerial or wing mirror?

Crocodile: I'm just a log, nothing to worry about.

Elephant: Does my bum look big in this?

Cheetah: These new trainers are brilliant.

Polar Bear: This is fucking mint.

Snake: I won't put ACC fees up. Trust me.

[Banditbandit]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said to the woman patient; "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And ThAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

[crazyhorse]

A man wakes up in James` Hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the M 50.

You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have 9000 Euros in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly 1000 Euros an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite kitchen tops - and a small conservatory."

[Swoop]

Rolf Harris is to release a 'Aus-Aid' single on Friday to raise funds for the victims of the Australian floods.

'Why's Me Kangaroo Drowned Sport', is expected to reach number one early next week.

[crazyhorse]

Kiwi man in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant..

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
Brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Nursing Home


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home..

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
Chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
Asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
A gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it
For a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
His manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
Secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O..K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting
By the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
That I don't have?"


Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Swoop]

Having successfully introduced female referees to premier league football, the FA are now going to change some of the terminology used:

Replace "Wanker" with "Bean-flicker" in the chant "The referee's a...."
"Flags" are to be replaced with "Flaps".
Players no longer "score", instead they "woo" a goal.
Teams can no longer have a "substitute" and have to remain faithful to their chosen ones.
"Red cards" will now be pink.
The game will no longer be of two halves but of two periods.
and of course, "extra time" is to be replaced with 5 minutes before the match to be known as "fore play".

[MSTRS:Me]

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

As soon as he gets home in goes the film and out comes his junk. Before you know it the masturbation is happening at a furious pace. Before long he's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and blow me. What happened?!" His wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean it again."

[crazyhorse]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

[MSTRS:Me]

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety.

The doctor asks why he needs so much.

The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers.

The doctor asks 'Why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'No', says the guy, 'It's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

[crazyhorse]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO


An attractive blonde from Dublin , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching..'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men..

[MSTRS:Me]

I wanted Susan Boyle to know that I was thinking of her...so I sent her a picture of my flaccid penis.

[crazyhorse]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about
to Jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you
are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Swoop]

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".

A time traveller walks into a bar.

[Swoop]

I've just been diagnosed with arm cancer.

Fucking nicotine patches.