Friday jokes

[BoristheBiter]

Read each of the following lines out loud.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

yeah what idiot's, it only takes 20 seconds.

[5150]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but it was dark and I didn't land."

[Juzz976]

I got a new Rolex for my birthday from the hot lesbian girls next door; I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

3 mice in a pub having a discussion about who the hardest mouse is.1st mouse says he is."i go up to mousetraps,rip the chease out,and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times and throw it accross the room!"2nd mouse says "you fag!i get rat poison,crush it into powder and snort it".the 3rd mouse finishes his pint and gets up and walks to the door."where are you going?ask the other 2."im going home to fuck the cat!"

what's the odd one out : a woman, a fridge, awashing machine & a microwave oven.---the microwave it's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fucked.

[munster]

"Give it to me" she screamed "I'm so fucking wet. I want it now!"

She could scream all the wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

[Hinny]

Guy goes to the Doc and says "Doc, I've got a sex problem.
Doc says "What's up?"
The guy says,"My wife wakes me at 5am for a 2hr shag before work.
Doc nods and is about to speak when the guy says: "That's not all, on the train there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying if I give her a shag".

"I see", says the Doc,

"No you don't, cos then at work I've gotta fuck my female boss just to keep my job, my secretary so she won't blab about me shaggin' the boss; the waitress at the local restaurant so she'll keep our table, the conductress on the way home and then my wife the minute I get in the door.".

Quite taken back the Doc asks "So what exactly is the problem"?

"Well ",says the guy, "It hurts when I wank".

[MSTRS:Me]

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making. Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention...

[YellowDog]

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter'

[JATZ]

I know it's not Friday, but....

Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny, that's nice I thought, two lips from Amsterdam.

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My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there

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Kids know far too much these days. Today in the doctors waiting room, a little girl had her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I told her, " If you keep doing that, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls." She replied, "I don't think so. dickhead he's doing her up the arse!"

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A Muslim goes to heaven, "sorry we don't have your lot in here." Says Peter. The Muslim complains, "but I've lead a good and generous life, last week I gave ten pounds to a hungry tramp, then ten pounds to a homeless shelter and ten pounds to age concern." Peter says he will have a word with God. After five minutes Peter returns and says, "OK, I've spoken with God and he agrees with me, here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off!"

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Two men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking the exact same thing.. One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other is having a blowjob from an 85 year old woman...What are they both thinking? Don't look down, don't look down...

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I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid having sex; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I’m your sister...

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I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed. She was known as oral high Jean.

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A woman died of diarrhoea today after having anal sex with six men in a vintage car. Police said it was a pretty shitty gang bang

Xxxxxxxxxx

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

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I was on a train this morning, in the loo, having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door." "No Probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweet corn!"

xxxxxxxxxx

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?" I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."

[MSTRS:Me]

Statistics, eh...

50% of newly weds want to try anal sex.
Or put another way, 100% of grooms do...

[MSTRS:Me]

Mabel and Fred were in bed, having a 'session'.
Mabel starts complaining that she didn't have an orgasm, so Fred asks her what he should do.
She says "Just use your imagination".
So Fred imagined that she'd had one, then he rolled over and went to sleep.

[Swoop]

Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman", or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

[swtfa]

I was in Australia with my wife recently, when she was stung on the fanny by a wasp. I phoned a local doctor, who was a bit of a laid back, surfer type,
"Doc, please help me".
"Hey, what's up man?"
"My wife has been stung on her vagina and it's completely closed up".
"Bummer dude".
"Thanks Doc, bye".

[george formby]

CONDOM HISTORY

Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education.

[Swoop]

*Warning for those of a soft-cock nature*
"Too soon" is not measurable, so if you are easily offended, come back and read this post in a month or a year's time. Don't fucking whine.









You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.

So why download a movie?
Because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn...




Spoiler Alert: Someone gets shot in the new Batman movie.




I was going to watch the new Batman film in Colorado, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down.



First Heath Ledger dies, now this...
Hell of a marketing team over at Warner Bros.



So the man who killed 12 people at a screening of the Dark Knight in Colorado yesterday claims he is 'The Joker'
Well ironically, when he ends up in prison, he'll be walking like a penguin.



Apparently they've already started shooting for the next Batman film... or did I hear that wrong?



A second cinema in Denver was hit this morning when a woman dressed head to toe in black latex stormed into a screening of the new Batman film and killed five audience members with her whip.
Police have said that they can't rule out more copycatwoman killings.



How the hell did James Holmes manage to sneak four guns, two gas canisters and a bunch of ammunition into a movie theater?

Just last week, I got caught trying to smuggle in a bag of Pick n Mix and some Maltesers.



The Jewish version of 'Things to do in Denver When Your Dead':
Finish watching the The Dark Knight Rises while eating other peoples popcorn, then go out to the ticket booth and demand a refund.



'Police in hunt, for Batman shooting accomplice'
Are they going to release photo-fit of Robin?




I know the Batman massacre was a terrible thing, but I'm looking on the bright side.
At least front row seats will be cheaper now!

[MSTRS:Me]

Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting in front of the mirror applying the 'miracle' products she asked "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen and your figure, twenty five".
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet".