Friday jokes

[caseye]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was
> relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when
> he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
>
> Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to
> his apartment and, after some small talk,
> they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
>
> After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you
> finish?"
> She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
>
> Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
> This time she thrashed about wildly and
> there were screams of passion..
>
> The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You
> finish?"
> Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
> closer to him and softly says, "No."
>
> Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
> unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman
> yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages
> it, but they end together screaming,
> bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
>
> Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
> turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
> smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
>
> Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his
> ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

[caseye]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the
stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight ...
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up
stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

[roogazza]

Mmmm unsure about this one, being a Gixxer owner?
Maybe better as a Honda joke ?

[cc rider]

[cc rider]

[unstuck]

Post by Antoine Dodson.

[awa355]

[cc rider]

[roogazza]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a motorcycle?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man --- "I haven't ridden a bike in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded ---- "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that…….It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and bikes."

[Juniper]

When God sends you help, don't ask questions

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in the my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you SO much? You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing. "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?!

[anebv8]

A blonde was playing golf

when she took a big swing and fell.


The party waiting behind her was a group from

Wellington that included David Cunliffe

David quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.


She thanked him and started to leave,

when he said,

"I'm David Cunliffe and I hope you'll vote Labour in the next election.


She laughed and quickly said:

"I fell on my Butt, not my head."

[roogazza]

[Robbo]

Motorcycle Safety Tip

[anebv8]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic

and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'

'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

[roogazza]