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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #3241
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    Hone Harawira was visiting a Northern primary school and the class was in
    the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
    The teacher asked Hone if he would like to lead the discussion on the word
    'Tragedy'..

    So our future illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
    'Tragedy'.

    Manu, a little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
    farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
    that would be a tragedy.'

    'Incorrect,' said Hone... 'That would be an accident.'

    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
    drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

    'I'm afraid not', explained Hone 'that's what we would refer to as a great
    loss'.

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Hone searched the room.

    'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

    Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

    'If a plane carrying you and Mr Dotcom was struck by a 'friendly fire'
    missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy...'

    'Fantastic' exclaimed Hone 'and can you tell me why that would be a
    tragedy?'

    'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
    be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'
    "Sorry Officer, umm.... my yellow power band got stuck wide open"

  2. #3242
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    Many variations to this one of course, but how do you pay someone a compliment and highly offend them in the same sentence?

    Just say: "Nice haircut, but tell me which pet shop did you go to for that?"

  3. #3243
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    Marriage...
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  4. #3244
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    Man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Where is section with books on pantomimes?"

    "It's behind you."

  5. #3245
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    A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

    They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

    'Go get your Mother'

  6. #3246
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    Two Lady Friends Talking in Heaven


    1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

    2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

    1st woman: I froze to death.

    2nd woman: How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
    from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
    death. What about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
    suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
    him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den
    watching TV.

    1st woman: So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
    there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I
    ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
    went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this
    up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that
    I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
    freezer---we'd both still be alive.

  7. #3247
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    What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

    I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store; there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me.

    I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
    The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

    I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.

    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

    .....1/3 ownership in the store,
    .....a company pickup truck,
    .....a king size bed and
    .....$3,000 a month in living expenses."

  8. #3248
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  9. #3249
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    A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
    An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

    She climbed up behind him on the horse and the y rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

    When the y arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

    "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

    "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

    "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

  10. #3250
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    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  11. #3251
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  12. #3252
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    Which is an Islamic trait?

    A.heading
    B.heading
    C.heading
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  13. #3253
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    Irish guy trying out for the SAS. Was telling his mates in the pub about the training.
    It came to Parachuting and he thought well ok ,I think I can do it.
    Up in the air ready to jump and he freaks ! "I can't do it,I just can't" !
    A huge SAS Sgt come up behind him and said I have 12inch cock ,and if you don't jump I'm going to stick it up your arse !
    The Irish guy took a big swig on his beer, then a mate said,
    "Well what happened ,did you jump ?"
    Yes, at first, but only a little bit !!!

    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  14. #3254
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    Big rise in support today for the Better Together campaign.

    That's the Duchess of Cambridge's knees
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  15. #3255
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stirts View Post
    Big rise in support today for the Better Together campaign.

    That's the Duchess of Cambridge's knees
    Think you'll find not many men will support this!
    Only a Rat can win a Rat Race!

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