Friday jokes

[Juniper]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[Juniper]

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

hey its friday and the weather is crap.

[Juniper]

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied:

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[anebv8]

Three construction workers are having lunch on top of a high-rise being built. A chinese guy, a mexican guy, and a polish guy.

When they were eating the Chinese guy remarks, "Dang it! Dumplings again! If I get dumplings for lunch ONE MORE TIME I'm jumping off this building!!"

The mexican guy opens his lunch and complains, "TACOS! If I get tacos for lunch ONE MORE TIME I am going to jump off this building with you!"

Next the polish guy opens his lunch and sure enough, "Ham sandwiches again?! If I have ham sandwiches ONE MORE TIME I'm jumping with the two of you!"

Next day, each opened their lunches, to no surprise...Chinese guy had dumplings, he ran and jumped off the building to his death. The mexican guy had tacos, so he runs and jumps off the building too. Polish guy, as well, had ham sandwiches, follows the two other gentleman and jumps too.

A few days later their wives were together at the funeral and were talking to eachother:

Chinese guy's wife, "I feel so bad! If I had known Lin didn't like dumplings I would have made him something else."

Mexican guy's wife, "I know! If Juan had just said something, I would have sent him something other than tacos."

Polish guy's wife, "I don't get it!!! Harold has been making his own lunch for 5 years now!!!"

[anebv8]

So there's a bartender who has the most serious horse around. One day a man walks into his bar and goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, I bet'cha $250 I can make your horse laugh!" The bar goes deftly silent, no one had ever been able to make the horse show any sort of emotion before. The bartender says, "Alright, you're on."

The man walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse begins to laugh hysterically. Everyone was amazed!

He walks back to the bartender and says "How about double or nothing, I can make it cry now?" Bartender responds, "Ok, I'm surprised you made it laugh, but there's no way you could make it cry all of a sudden." Man replies, "I'll need to step outside with him for this one."

He takes the horse outside for a minute or two, when he opens the door and steps back in, the horse is crying like a little baby.

Bartender gives the man $500 and asks, "Alright...you got your money. Tell us, how did you do it?"

Man simply replies, "Well, first time, I told him my wang was bigger than his. Second time, I showed it to him."

[mossy1200]

This is one of the funniest things I have seen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2m-iU8gKE

[flashg]

This is one of the funniest things I have seen



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2m-iU8gKE

+1 to that. I had tears running down my face because i was laughing so hard at the end

[NordieBoy]

This is one of the funniest things I have seen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2m-iU8gKE

Beautifully done


Oh, and OUCH!

[Juniper]

omg Ouch, Laughing so hard!!

[Juniper]

Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Put your hand down its pocket and tickle its balls.

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

[Juniper]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his fucking widow."

[Juniper]

Four friends go on holiday to South Africa - one English, one American, one French and one Chinese. While out trekking in the countryside they find some gold in the ground. The Frenchman, a geologist, realises that they have stumbled across a rich seam, suitable for a new mine.
The American happens to be a billionaire, so he buys the land with an arrangement that they split the profits four ways - The Englishman is an engineer, so is put in charge of extraction. The Chinese man is involved in import and export so is put in charge of supplies. The Frenchman is a manager, so is put in charge with overseeing the whole operation.

A year later the American returns to see how his investment is going. First he goes to the main office to see how the Frenchman is doing.
"Well," he says, "we're getting some gold out, but there seem to be some problems with the extraction. You'd better go down and see."
So the American walks down to the mine, meets the Englishman emerging from the entrance and asks him how things are going.
"Well" he says, "my boys are fine, but the Chinese guy just isn't pulling his weight. Go down there and you'll see what I mean."
So he walks down into the mine. After a couple of hundred yards it's almost pitch black down there and he can't see or hear anyone. All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a pillar and shouts "Supplies!"

[Juniper]

A little old lady is being cross-examined by the DA

D.A.: What is your age?
Woman: I am 86 years old.
D.A.: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
D.A.: Did you know him?
Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
D.A.: What happened after he sat down?
Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
D.A.: Did you stop him?
Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.
D.A.: What happened next?
Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
D.A.: Did you stop him then?
Woman: No, I did not stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
D.A.: What happened next?
Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and
said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
D.A.: Did he take you?
Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"

...And that's when I shot the little bastard.