Friday jokes

[roogazza]

Subject: The Wife

A man walked into his bedroom and saw his wife packing a suitcase.

He asked, 'What are you doing?'

She answered, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walked into the bedroom and saw her husband packing his suitcase.

She asked him where he was going. His reply: 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.'

[Swoop]

RiP the People's Poet.

[roogazza]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

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[gjm]

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and nervously asks, "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so... I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change instead of a vasectomy."

The patient is devastated and understandably shocked. He replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours......"

[Swoop]

New Miley Cyrus DVD: $15

Tub of Vaseline: $3

XL Box of Tissues: $2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless!

[Juniper]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer.

Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show.

And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".

[Juniper]

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Reckless]

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife is very pretty but hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

[gjm]

[unstuck]

[Robbo]

A new angle on funerals..

[gjm]

A new angle on funerals..

Just needs another ad for pie sales, and he's sorted.

[roogazza]

[BigAl]

The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off
I'll take it up the arse”.

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

[Swoop]

Terrorist news.

Bin Laden's close friend, Bin Lorry, kills six in Glasgow.