Friday jokes

[Swoop]

The Wimbledon trophies are on show this morning.
A huge gold cup for the men to drink beer from and a big silver plate for the ladies to fill with sandwiches...
For the men.

[husaberg]

The Wimbledon trophies are on show this morning.
A huge gold cup for the men to drink beer from and a big silver plate for the ladies to fill with sandwiches...
For the men.

...................

[Swoop]

How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

[YellowDog]

An Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
Staring back at him.
"How 'bout that!" he exclaims, "Here's a picture of my Fadder."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
Way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in

The shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
There and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
Mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the fat ugly bitch
he's running around with."

[Stirts]

You know you're a commitment phobe when you can't even click the "always open this type of link with this app" button on your phone and have to click "just once" repeatedly.

[husaberg]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
















IT WAS IN TENTS

Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

















It's making HEADLINES!

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?



















HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK

[caseye]

Getting old and grumpy, can't remember if I've posted this one up before or not?
No worries enjoy it anyway.
NZ Thou Shalt not Steal.



I absolutely love this, who-ever thought it up is a genius, they need congratulating. enjoy

Dear Mr. Key


Please find below our suggestion for fixing NZ's economy.


Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 200,000 people over 50 in the work force.


Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire.
200,000 job openings - unemployment fixed


2) They MUST buy a new car.
200,000 cars ordered - Car Industry fixed


3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed


4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed


5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .......
and there's your money back in duty/tax etc


6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy b......s to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.


It can't get any easier than that!


P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances


If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.


Grumpies of the World Unite


Also .

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.


This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE NZ CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?
It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this .... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of NZ to speak up!

[roogazza]

[husaberg]

epic
https://www.linkedin.com/pub/sebasti...?trk=pub-pbmap

[Swoop]

If you ever feel useless then remember: it's somebody's job to fit indicators to BMWs.

Poor bastard.

[YellowDog]

I'm behind this prick who can't fucking drive, weaving all over the place - hasn't got a fucking clue.
I'm roaring "You fucking foreign bastard, learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you fuck off back to your own country, you smelly prick!
You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said "Get out of my taxi!"

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the
palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on
earth he could afford such a house?

The Spaniard replied: 'You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a
grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge
with traffic lights at either end, I could afford to build this place.'

The following year, the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply
amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond
doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he'd raised the money to build this incredible house, the
Greek mayor said:
'You see that bridge over there?'

The Spaniard replied: 'No, there's no bridge.'

[FJRider]

.................................

[Swoop]

I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.

"We're impressed Mr Swoop, but there's an omission on your application." The sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."

"Oh." I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."


"Great, can you start Monday?"