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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #3961
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    12th August 2012 - 16:46
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    “ These are actual comments made on students report cards
    by teachers in the New York City public school system.
    All these teachers were reprimanded.”

    But, if it IS, True,
    The, ’teachers’, who have the Bal**, to say,
    What is What,
    In the hope that, ’that’, comment, will change the student, (for the better)
    Are, SCOLDED, by the P. C. Police.


    1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

    2. I would not allow this student to breed.

    3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

    4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

    5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

    6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

    7. This child has been working with glue too much.

    8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

    9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

    10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

    12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
    Argo Solvo Interio Putus

  2. #3962
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    5th April 2004 - 20:04
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    Those comments are fucken funny, in mearly any other context.

    It is not PC bullshit, to expect a teacher to be respectful or professional.

    Anyone struggling to understand that, is getting a lesson in irony. The real irony, not that dumb bitch Morrisette's idea of irony.

  3. #3963
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    14th April 2005 - 12:00
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    It snowed on my wedding day.

    That wasn't ironic either.
    Can I believe the magic of your size... (The Shirelles)

  4. #3964
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    12th August 2012 - 16:46
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    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

    The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

    They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
    Argo Solvo Interio Putus

  5. #3965
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    A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

    "Who are you?" he asked him.

    "I am an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

    "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

    "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

    "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.



    The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
    Argo Solvo Interio Putus

  6. #3966
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    12th September 2004 - 17:40
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    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  7. #3967
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    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  8. #3968
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    17th June 2010 - 16:44
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    Bill and Hillary

    When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said: "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

    And Hillary did so promise.

    Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked. But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.

    Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

    She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

    Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box, and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

    After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

    Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behaviour; however, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

    Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

    A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

    Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre."
    "So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."

  9. #3969
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    Bob Geldof says he'll open his home to four refugee families...

    With his parenting record, I think I'd rather risk a dinghy with forty others.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  10. #3970
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    Old McDonald
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  11. #3971
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    There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

    "Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

    "Killed a cyclist," I replied.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  12. #3972
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    Quote Originally Posted by roogazza View Post
    posted by.....
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    So that's bloody what the nats meant by a rockstar economy....................

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    Quote Originally Posted by Katman View Post
    I reminder distinctly .




    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  13. #3973
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katman View Post
    I reminder distinctly .




    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  14. #3974
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    Quote Originally Posted by husaberg View Post
    A pun my word
    Caution is not a substitute for skill :no

  15. #3975
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    The winners of the palindrome race have been announced.

    Huge congratulations to driver and co-driver, brothers Bob and Otto Hannah from Ekalaka lake in their Civic racecar.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

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