Friday jokes

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

A man and his wife were at a family wedding. The man came back from the bar with two glasses of whisky and set one down in front of her.

"What's this?" she asked, surprised. "I asked you for a sweet sherry!"

"Never mind that," said the man. "Drink it!"

She picked up the glass and sniffed it warily. Then she took a tiny sip and instantly screwed up her face. "That's disgusting!" she exclaimed.

"Exactly!" said the man. "And you think that when I'm out with my mates every night, drinking that, I'm enjoying myself!"

[anebv8]

Took my rotty to the vet yesterday because he was cross eyed,
"well",said the vet,"let's have a look at him."
He picks him up and examines at his teeth and then his eye's.
Finally he say's "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Why?" I ask," because he's cross eyed?"
"No" says the vet,"because he's very heavy"

[Swoop]

HOW THE MILITARY HAS CHANGED OVER THE YEARS...

1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2016 - everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - we painted pictures of girls on aircraft to remind us of home.
2016 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
2016 - she is in the same trench praying your condom worked.

1945 - if you got drunk off duty your mates would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
2016 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2016 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.

1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2016 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.

1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2016 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analysed it.
2016 - they collect your pee and analyse it.

1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the cells until you straightened up.
2016 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2016 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier.
2016 - you sleep in a dormitory like university students..

1945 - you ate in a mess, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
2016 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
2016 - we come up short against Iraq, Libya and Afghanistan.

1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the pub, played darts, smoked and drank beer.
2016 - you go to the community centre, and you can play darts.

1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
2016 - the beer will cost you, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - the naafi had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2016 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Lidl.

1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
2016 - we are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945 - we called the enemy names like "Jerries" and "Nips" because we didn't like them.
2016 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.

1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2016 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2016 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2016 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - we were fighting for survival, and the country was committed to winning.
2016 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2016 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

[Ocean1]

HOW THE MILITARY HAS CHANGED OVER THE YEARS...

Many years ago, in deepest Otago there was a military training camp.

There were three long drops at one end of the camp, with a sign each, saying "OFFICERS", "MEN" and "OTHER RANKS".

To this day I wonder...

[slofox]

Donald Trump on the campaign trail?

[slofox]

Take your pick...

[Swoop]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'..

[Smifffy]

{nice one bro}

[awa355]

What! no Crusher, or Helen Clarke?, or any kiwi female politician for that matter.

http://www.unmotivating.com/25-most-...rce=nativeads_

[Swoop]

As a tribute to Prince after his sudden death, my local pub is laying on a wake where you can drink and eat all night for under $20.
I for one will make sure I'm going to party like its $19.99!

[YellowDog]

____________________

[anebv8]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

[anebv8]

Walk next to a minority if you're shoplifting. When the alarm goes off, guess who they're going to check?

When you're having a rough day and you'd like to blow off some steam, flip off a baby. The baby can't fight back, and the gesture is cathartic.

Always carry fart spray in your car. In the case that you get pulled over by a cop, tell him you have IBS. If he doesn't budge, while he's back in his cruiser entering your information, pull out a jar of Nutella and rub it on your fingers as proof. Say, "Please, officer, please," while holding your stomach. He'll let you off. If he doesn't, he's Satan in the flesh.

If you're in a crowded bar and there's no place to sit, hit on a hot girl. Tell her that you like the way she smells and that she has a pretty mouth. She will leave, and you can take her seat.

[roogazza]