Friday jokes

[anebv8]

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

[anebv8]

I was having a piss at the pub & standing next to me was a midget. I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away. But when I turned around again & the little fucker was still winking at me like crazy.
I said to him 'Are you gay, do u fuckin fancy me or something?'
He said,
'No you're splashing it in my eyes ya cunt.'

[YellowDog]

safe enough aye!

[Burnie]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

[gjm]

"If I have a weakness, it is interpreting the semantics of a question while ignoring the pragmatics."

"Could you give an example?"

"Yes, I could."

[anebv8]

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on
Their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of
heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the
Smile,' says the Coroner.

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the
Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy,
Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken".

[YellowDog]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...

God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[YellowDog]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland It was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, "Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid?
Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital".

[roogazza]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her
horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance
to get through the intersection.As she was still in mid-rant,
She heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of
A very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
Arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and
cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the
'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......
I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Priceless

[anebv8]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

An over weight guy goes to the weight loss centre to sign up for a treatment when they tell him they have a new high speed weight loss program. There's 3 stages you can choose from, 10kg per week, 15kg per week or 25 kg per week weight loss.

He says great sign me up, I'll try the 10kg.

They said be ready at 8am tomorrow morning in joggers and shorts.

8am the next morning the most beautiful girl he has ever seen shows up in tight little shorts and a little crop top that had "if you can catch me you can have sex with me " written on the top. So off he races after her, same thing every morning for a week, he never catches her but losses 10kg.

He calls the company saying great program can I do the 15kg one next? They tell him no problem be ready at 8am.

8am he answers his door to an even prettier girl in very sexy knickers and a small bra and she hands him a card that said "if you can catch me you can have sex with me" off she runs with him after her, again he never catches her but losses 15kg.

He calls the company again saying this is amazing, I've lost 25kg's and loving it, I would like the 25kg program next please.

They say are you sure sir? It is our hardest program.

He is excited at what he will be chasing next so says "yep I'll be ready at 8am.

8am the next morning he opens his door and there is a large guy in a g-string and gimp mask and on his shirt it says "if I catch you, I'm going to have sex with you"

[Virago]

Some repairs were needed to a broken fence at a government building. In accordance with government policy, an official arranged for three contractors to price the job, and met with them all on site.

The first contractor ran his tape-measure over the job, and said "$900. $400 for materials, $400 to pay my men, and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor ran his tape-measure over the job, and said "$700. $300 for materials, $300 to pay my men, and $100 profit for me."

The third contractor leaned towards the official and quietly said "2,700".

"What?" said the official. "You haven't even measured the job. How did you come up with such a price?"

The third contractor leaned close again and said "That's $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me - and we get that second guy to do the job."

The contract was duly awarded.

[YellowDog]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said,
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[anebv8]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"