Friday jokes

[anebv8]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.

[anebv8]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[anebv8]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!

[roogazza]

[anebv8]

As I ran out of the supermarket this morning,the fat security guard started chasing me.After running around the car park a few times,I finally came to a stop.He grabbed me by the collar and breathlessly said,"Open your jacket." So I unzipped it and said,"I've got nothing mate." "Then why the fuck did you run?" He asked."Because I thought you could do with the exercise you fat bastard." I replied.

[roogazza]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock? All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?' Half the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.

[YellowDog]

Bike for Sale

[Dadpole]

http://www.infiniteunknown.net/2015/...wn-my-chimney/

I thought this was hilarious. My wife thinks I am warped.

[babysteps]

So the Police turned up at my place last night.....

"Excuse me Sir" said the first officer "Is this your wife?" showing me a picture.

"Yes" I replied

"Well Sir", said the second officer "It looks like she was hit by a Bus"

Sighing, I replied "Yeah I know, but she likes it in the Butt and she is great with the Kids"

[YellowDog]

A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[YellowDog]

Sensitive Male

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and, as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and the romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into this bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity and more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The women rolls over and gently strokes his chest.

"Well, how was it?" she asks coyly.

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and responds .....


"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[roogazza]

[anebv8]

Waiting in line at the grocery store and had a little kid give me a real snide look and stuck his tongue out. So I asked his mom if I could give him a piece of candy, but only if he's good and saves it until he gets home. His mom said sure, so I gave him some chocolate and he put it in his pocket for later.
Grabbed an employee on the way out and mentioned I just watched that little fuck steal a candy bar.

[anebv8]

[YellowDog]

**Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently
to his every word.**

**His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance,
they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob
replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue
to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my
age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”**

**Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”**