Friday jokes

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world "Little India " formerly known as Australia ....

Jersey executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK 's third
language.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is
no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are
now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK
Government has told the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor
Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop
people saying what they think.

Britain 's deficit £100 trillion and still rising. Government declares
return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime
Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration
is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild
Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): huge bonuses paid to executives to
celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Castro finally dies at age 142. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally
into the US, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to
Wednesdays only.

After a 10-year £175.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party,
scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone (114kg).

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and
rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2055 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 85 per cent.

West Ham won this year's FA Cup Final beating the Bradford Muslims
West Ham Clubhouse burnt down......Metropolitan Police Chief Mohammed Mukbar says "it's an act of God".

[YellowDog]

Shouldn't have a problem getting a date

[Akzle]

Shouldn't have a problem getting a date

might explain the look on her face though...

[anebv8]

A LETTER FROM A 69yr OLD FEMALE TO AN AGONY AUNT:

Dear Deidre,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, shoot pool with his buddies and have sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. Please help. What should I do?
Confused…..

Dear Confused,
Grow up and dump him.You don't need him anymore. For fuck sake woman, you're running for President of the United States, get a grip!

[YellowDog]

__________________________________________________ ________

[Scuba_Steve]

[caseye]

Fuck it, its close enough to Friday.



Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.



One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.



"Kenny," he says.



"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.



"I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”



Just then the bell rings for recess.



Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,



"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”



A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.



Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.



"Johnny," he says.



"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.



"I have five questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 21 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

[roogazza]

[Gypahma]

Hi to all, i have found nice site to U =D

[YellowDog]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says,
' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say, to always be at my side ......!

[YellowDog]

Happy 'Thanksgiving'

[roogazza]

Bees & Golf.

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro, Roy, saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What?s wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

[YellowDog]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on one of those damn ducks!"

[Black Knight]

Blonde or not
http://advrider.com/index.php?attach...08-gif.695537/