lol to ya all ......
Missing my buddy Morepower
lol to ya all ......
Missing my buddy Morepower
At last I know why I’ve got fat hips!
When taking a shower I often use the rest of my shampoo to lather myself.
Well, yesterday, I read what was written on the bottle - “For extra volume and body.”
What a shock!!
No wonder it is so difficult to keep my weight under control.
As from now I will use dish-washing liquid for showering - it claims “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove”!
Grumpy Old Bastard
Originally Posted by crazyhorse
aHA! So THAT's what the problem is...
Thanks crazyhorse - I'll get right onto it...
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Missing my buddy Morepower
Prescisely - that was my thought too
Grumpy Old Bastard
I told herself too - she could use the advice...oops...Prescisely - that was my thought too:..I mean...ahhhehehe. Oh shit. Now I'm in it for sure...
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I'm not saying staff at my local Warehouse are inept, but I've used the self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately
some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good
news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,
so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four
or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot
over there and pull her up again!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Girls are like cell phones: they like to be held and talked to.
Although sometimes its simpler to just go with a pre-paid plan.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
Missing my buddy Morepower
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was
anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace..
'My Private Part died today, and I am
very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was
walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.
Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died..'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell
me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this..)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Return Of The Black Panther
Death Star Canteen LOL
New Zealand......
The Best Place in the World to live if ya Broke
"Whole life balance, Daniel-San" ("Karate Kid")
Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui ( Be strong, be brave, be steadfast and sure)
DON'T RIDE LIKE YA STOLE IT, RIDE TO SURVIVE.
Return Of The Black Panther
"Suicide Bombers to go on Strike"
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. "I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
New Zealand......
The Best Place in the World to live if ya Broke
Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui ( Be strong, be brave, be steadfast and sure)
DON'T RIDE LIKE YA STOLE IT, RIDE TO SURVIVE.
Missing my buddy Morepower
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic)..'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid coconut . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
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