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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #751
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    If puns were outlawed only outlaws would have puns.




    I hate street performers...
    Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  2. #752
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    A woman was apprehended with a quantity of marijuana hidden in her bra.
    Police said it was a righteous bust.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  3. #753
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    Magic Penis


    A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

    He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied
    for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

    The husband said, 'The what'?

    The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

    The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
    The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

    The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly
    with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.


    Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
    The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.


    After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said
    'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
    The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.

    Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
    On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

    He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
    Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

    The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'


    The rest, as they say, is history...

  4. #754
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    BBC News: "Nasa scientists find that drugs lose effectiveness in space".

    I reckon if you find yourself in space, you've had enough already.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  5. #755
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    At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank... they let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  6. #756
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    Six Truths in Life






    1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck .

























    2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.




















    3. And discover #1 is a lie.
















    4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

















    5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.










    6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .










    I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You now have 3 options... ignore it, or pass it along ... to put a smile on someone else's face today.
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  7. #757
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    How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, they just sit there and complain about the dark.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  8. #758
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    I'm addicted to brake fluid ... but I can stop anytime ...
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  9. #759
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    Sitting in a bar a Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
    In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.
    The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,he'll buy the fifth drink." *

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
    the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the
    moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all
    the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll
    take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
    swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
    me sister quite a few times."

  10. #760
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    Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

    If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

    This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.



    The tallest ones, anyway.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  11. #761
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    Best ever senior citizen joke

    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .....








    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
    Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
    Heinlein

    MotoTT Trackdays

  12. #762
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    I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

    I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...

    but she did.

  13. #763
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    Hypnotist FAIL

    I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7
    blokes then dropped the mike on his foot and said "Fuck me".
    What happened next will haunt me forever..

  14. #764
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    I was at the cash point machine the other night ... a little old lady asked me to check her balance ... so I pushed her over ...
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  15. #765
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    I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight
    2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, and a big red box.

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