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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #766
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    I can't wait to see what Camilla will be wearing for the Royal Wedding.

    My money's on a saddle!
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  2. #767
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    Kate Middleton didn't want a horse drawn carriage for the Royal Wedding.
    Prince Philip, however, insisted that Camilla be involved.




    So the royal wedding is happening on the same day that Hitler married Eva Braun in 1945.
    Good to see those Germans keeping up traditions.





    Police have been drafted in from Scotland for the royal wedding.
    They need security to be extra tight.





    Prince Harry won't be at tomorrow's wedding.
    Apparently it's family only.





    Lets be honest, the Royal tiara isn't the only white thing that will be in Kate's hair on Friday...




    By this time tomorrow Kate will know the real meaning of the phrase 'Right royal pain in the arse'...





    The BBC news reporters have great spots for tomorrow's event. Positioned at a distance just close enough to get great visual live coverage whilst remaining just outside the blast-radius.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  3. #768
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    God created Husbands


    While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

    And then he made the earth round.

    That God - he's such a joker.

  4. #769
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    My neice wants a spider for pet her birthday ... So I went to the local pet shop ...

    $ 70 ...

    Fuck that I thought ... I could get a cheaper one off the web ...
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  5. #770
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    According to statistics ... one in seven dwarves ... is Grumpy ...
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  6. #771
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    Quote Originally Posted by FJRider View Post
    According to statistics ... one in seven dwarves ... is Grumpy ...
    so 6 out of 7 short people are happy?

  7. #772
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    Quote Originally Posted by tigertim20 View Post
    so 6 out of 7 short people are happy?
    No .. the stat's I saw ... only one is Happy .... are YOU Dopey ???
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  8. #773
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    nope, horny, I got left out of the story for PC reasons

  9. #774
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    Anyone else wonder if the Queen ever props her quilt cover up to her neck whilst in bed and says "Look Philip, I'm a stamp!"?



    Prince Charles must have upset the Mafia. He wakes up every morning with a horse's head on his pillow.




    It's thought that Kate and William may go for a horse drawn carriage on their wedding day. This has created fears that the large crowd may send the horse crazy. This, however, wouldn't be the first time a crazy horsed-faced nag has ruined a Royal Marriage...






    Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

    He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

    Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

    "Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

    They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

    The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

    The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

    The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at that dog".





    So, it was the Queen and Prince Phillip's 60th wedding anniversary not so long ago. Imagine that, a German woman married to a Greek for 60 years.

    She must have an arse like a broken catflap.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  10. #775
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    This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

    The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

    The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

    The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

    The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

    The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

    The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

    He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

    The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

    "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
    Keep on chooglin'

  11. #776
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    I was driving to work this morning ... saw an AA van parked up ..... The driver was crying uncontrollably ... I thought ... THIS guy is headed for a breakdown ...
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  12. #777
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    I start a new job in Seoul next month ... I thought it might be a good Korea move ...
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  13. #778
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    Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

    You know Harry's going to be in it.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  14. #779
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    Saturday Morning - Prince William and wife postpone honeymoon and fly off on helicopter. The Couple have asked that their privacy be respected during the coming weekend.

    Saturday Night - Col Gaddafi's son and grandchildren bombed.

    Sunday Night - Osama Bin Laden killed...

    Coincidence?






    Prince Harry reported missing after a secret fancy dress party somewhere in Pakistan...





    It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me, I had no idea he was Catholic.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  15. #780
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    President Bush tried and failed.
    President Clinton tried and failed.
    President Obama tried and succeeded.

    The moral of this is...
    If you want someone dead, hire a black man.





    Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head.
    What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?





    Osama 2,967 - USA 1
    I see this very much as a consolation goal.







    "9/11 organiser dead".
    Nonsense, I've never seen George W. Bush looking healthier.






    10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden.

    In his house.





    You sure Osama Bin Laden is dead?
    I'm sure he just drove me to the airport.




    It only took America what... 10 years to find Osama Bin Laden... Wait a min... 9/11... if only I read between the lines.




    So Osama Bin Laden is dead! What a momentous day! 2/5/2011

    Wait a minute... 2+5+2=9. And it's the year 2011.

    9/11!

    I should be a conspiracy theorist.



    Al-Qaeda must be reeling after the death of Bin Laden.
    Where on earth will they find another bearded Muslim extremist to replace him?



    News: Osama Bin Laden Dead
    He took his own life rather than watch a 4th day of Royal Wedding highlights



    Bin Laden: Turbanated.



    What were Bin Laden's last words before he was shot?
    Allah be back!




    So Bin Laden was buried at sea to avoid the risk of his grave becoming a shrine for his supporters.

    Trust the Americans not to take advantage of such an offer.

    Surely in a war where the Taliban are hiding, you'd want all of his supporters to go to one place, and then kill them?




    American forces gave Osama Bin Laden the opportunity to surrender before they shot him dead.

    The cunt was living in a compound with no internet and two wives, why the fuck would he want to live?
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

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