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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #781
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    Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and proper English:

    They say "sidewalk" we say "pavement"

    They say "pants" we say "trousers"

    They say "buried at sea" we say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his bollocks whilst being beaten for answers".
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  2. #782
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    Starbucks have announced the new Osama bin Latte.

    Comes with a frothy head with two shots.
    Quote Originally Posted by rachprice View Post
    Jrandom, You are such a woman hating cunt, if you weren't such a misogynist bastard you might have a better luck with women!

  3. #783
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    Just watching the new series of Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel.
    This should be interesting...




    Apparently it took the Americans a long time to bury Bin Laden at sea.
    Every time they dug some water out, the hole filled back up.




    After Bin Laden was buried at sea, the Americans have hired a lifeguard ...
    Just to make sure he's not bombing in the deep end.





    I suppose I better call the police and make my apology for phoning them every Friday night for the last 6 years.

    Looks like the guy working in the local kebab shop was not him after all.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  4. #784
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    Police tax collectors have invented a new addition to be bolted on to every speed camera in the country. It will see further down the road and identify drivers who simply slow down for the camera then speed up again. They call it the "Catch U Next Time."

    They are currently trying to think of an acronym for it...
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  5. #785
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    Now there is a question you do not get too often... A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
    The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
    She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

  6. #786
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    What do Kate Middleton and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
    Last weekend a man from the navy smashed in their back door and shot his load in their face.






    There is a strong rumour that SEAL team 6 was ordered to launch a mission to kill the world's most hated person and got it wrong.
    Justin Bieber is still, unfortunately, alive.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  7. #787
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    a seal walks into a club . . . .

  8. #788
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    Barrack Obama - The first black man in history that has had to convince the world he did do the killing.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  9. #789
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    That will teach Osama to enter his real address into his PSN account.
    Keep on chooglin'

  10. #790
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    • My mate’s girlfriend has called her g-spot ‘‘Osama’‘. She reckons it took him 10 years to find it, but when he did ....KABOOM!
    • Also being reported, Donald Trump is demanding Osama’s Death Certificate
    • Apparently some of Bin Laden’s family were killed in the shootout. This gives a new meaning to ‘taking the Bins out’.
    • 6 Irishmen have just drowned dancing on Bin Laden’s grave



    Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.
    One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

  11. #791
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    Two Australian businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break, In their soon-to be, new store..

    As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

    One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kiwi walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asked 'What are you selling here?'

    One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

    Without skipping a beat, the Kiwi said, 'You are doing well .. Only two left!'


    Australians God bless them - should not mess with New Zealanders.....!!!

  12. #792
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    During a holiday in Bali ... I saw a sign that said "English speaking doctor" ... I thought what a great idea, we should have them in OUR country ...
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  13. #793
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    "Americans insist Osama's burial at sea is a Muslim tradition."

    5 Minutes later.

    "Americans admit to confusing Muslims with Vikings".







    My dad once told me that, by definition, a leader is someone who has followers, and the more followers, the greater the leader.

    Twitter fucked that theory up.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  14. #794
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    HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE
    A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix..
    The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
    Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
    Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
    Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
    'Get well soon. From the nurse in the Subaru you pulled over last week.'
    Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

  15. #795
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    The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret.
    It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

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