1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance...
The 5 stages of buying petrol.
I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'
I thought "That's just spam."
Got a nice camera for sale if your interested?
Funny story how I came by it. Got stopped in the city today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo. I said "Wave", and they all ran like fuck!
No body move... I dropped my brain
Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 130 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. Einstein said that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as....
Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."
Oh, quit whining! I don't write this shit, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you. Anyway, it beats the political crap.
Last edited by Virago; 12th May 2011 at 11:28.
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Two Jews were walking past a building site when an envelope fell out of nowhere and landed by Moshi's feet. When he picked it up, he read the outside, which said, Paddy Quinn, Carpenter.
Moshi opened up the envelope to find a payslip and $1200 in cash.
His friend, Benjamin said," Hey Moshi.... it's your lucky day, eh no?"
Clutching the payslip from the envelope, Moshi replied." Lucky day?"....."Vot Fucking Lucky day?" ............. "Have you seen how much I've been taxed?"
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse walk into a bar in Otara.
20 minutes later, the Four Pedestrians of the Apocalypse vow to never drink in Otara again.
The Man Rules (explained)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping
A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and
jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him.
The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the
less started up a conversation.
The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole
The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course."
The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only
eat what's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and
transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand."
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Kiwi replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't.
In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell them to New Zealand."
The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?"
The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do
with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course." says the Aussie.
"We don't, says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
It's all Shits and Giggles until someone Giggles and Shits
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a--hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Bev called him a “s--t head”.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home !!!
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
IMF ..... Inappropriate Maid Fucking
BBC News: French head of IMF faces sex assault charges over an alleged incident with a New York hotel maid.
Serves her right for dressing like a hotel maid if you ask me.....
No body move... I dropped my brain
Why is the area between a womans breasts & her hips called a waist?
Because their is room for another pair of tits their.
Wife wakes up to tell her husband she could feel something strange between her boobs.
Husband: "shut up and go back to bed, it's just your belly button"
No body move... I dropped my brain
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