Friday jokes

[george formby]

How do you make 5lb of fat look good?









Put a nipple on it..

[Swoop]

BBC NEWS: Titanic captain's cigar box found in Merseyside house.

And there you have it: ultimate proof that Scousers are the best thieves in the world.

[avgas]

A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and
jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him.
The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the
less started up a conversation.
The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole
bread?"
The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course."
The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only
eat what's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and
transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand."
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Kiwi replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't.
In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell them to New Zealand."
The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?"
The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do
with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course." says the Aussie.
"We don't, says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

Reminds me of a joke which came in handy when I worked in Aus.
Often when you work in Aus - every aussie you meet will call you a sheep fucker.

My calm response is to explain to them the livelihood of sheep fucking in NZ.
I tell them when we turn 15, a boy is given a sheep
He fucks that sheep for a whole year - gets rid off all that sexual frustration teenage boys have. Then he is allowed to date whatever women he wants.

That sheep is inevitably sent to the meat works. Where it is chopped up.
However there is a bright side to this.
It is considered the most juicy and tender lamb in Australia - often the pride of the table in many Australian homes and restaurants.
When did you last have lamb?

[Swoop]

I've just been caught trying to smuggle twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country.


I'm worried I might be deported.

[MSTRS:Me]

Decant do that.

[Laava]

Stop your wining

[Stirts]

Every now and then, couples should have a cheese and wine party.

He gets his cheesy knob out and she whines about having to suck it.

[MSTRS:Me]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[george formby]

I recently bought the Mother in law a pair of crotchless knickers. Nothing sexual in it, I just thought she would get a better grip on her broomstick..





Shamelessly filched from Superbike jokes page

[slofox]

I tried some viagra eye drops last week...my vision was fucked but I looked hard...

[awa355]

Next time an Aussie tells you a kiwi sheep shaggers joke, remind them, They're only jealous because we thought of it first, and anyway, our sheep are better looking than theirs.

[MSTRS:Me]

The NZ Medical Association has weighed in on National's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it..

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Wellington.

[pete376403]

MORAL DILEMMA

This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's
a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



THE SITUATION:

You are in Kaitaia.

There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding..

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into
the water..

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is.

It's Hone Harawera.

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.


You have two options:

1. You can save his life; or

2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the country's most despised men!



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...






Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white ?

[unstuck]

high color for sure.

[BoristheBiter]

high color for sure.

No black and white, more dramatic.