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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #826
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    1st January 2007 - 09:16
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    these zzies shear there sheep
    but we dnt share urs with anyne d we
    And that is the honest truth your honour..

  2. #827
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    Hone Harawira was visiting a Northern primary school and the class was in the
    >> middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
    >>
    >> The teacher asked Hone if he would like to lead the discussion on
    >> the
    >> word 'Tragedy'..
    >>
    >> So our future illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
    >>
    >> Manu, a little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on
    >> a
    >> farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
    >> that would be a tragedy.'
    >>
    >> 'Incorrect,' said Hone. 'That would be an accident.'
    >>
    >> A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
    >> drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
    >>
    >> 'I'm afraid not',explained Hone 'that's what we would refer to as a
    >> great loss'.
    >>
    >> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Hone searched the
    >> room.
    >>
    >> 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
    >>
    >> Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
    >>
    >> 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Sharples and Mrs.Tits was
    >> struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be
    >> a
    >> tragedy...'
    >>
    >> 'Fantastic' exclaimed Hone 'and can you tell me why that would be a
    >> tragedy?'
    >>
    >> 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
    >> wouldn't
    >> be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!'
    Only a Rat can win a Rat Race!

  3. #828
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    11th April 2005 - 21:13
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    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..


    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.


    The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

    He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

    As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,


    after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


    The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments...

    Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

    Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

    Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.


    As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
    walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.


    The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.


    The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.


    Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.


    He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs


    and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





    Probably wasn't the same elephant..
    Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
    Heinlein

    MotoTT Trackdays

  4. #829
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    The sexy policewoman interrogating me last night asked, "How many rapes have you committed?"
    I said, "Eight or nine."
    "Which is it?" she asked.
    I replied "It depends on how soon you can get back-up."
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  5. #830
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    "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that it is hard to verify their authenticity".
    Abraham Lincoln.





    Given that catholic priests are famously abstinent, I'm thinking of starting a business selling services to accomodate their lifestyle.

    I'm calling it Sell-a-butt.






    Star Wars would have been a whole lot simpler if Luke had just called Child Services on his Father.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  6. #831
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    8th November 2004 - 11:00
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    This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied "They had eggs."
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  7. #832
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    25th March 2007 - 12:04
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    A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

    "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz"

    A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate
    with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    ( THIS GETS BETTER!)

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
    ("el computador"), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
    but half the time they ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

    The women won.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  8. #833
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    I bought the wife a memory stick. It's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  9. #834
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    14th April 2005 - 12:00
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    Quote Originally Posted by MSTRS View Post
    This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied "They had eggs."
    Her final words were - "I'll hold the tent peg. When I nod my head, hit it really hard with the hammer."
    Can I believe the magic of your size... (The Shirelles)

  10. #835
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    2nd June 2007 - 16:23
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    A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

    COLD BEER : $2.00?
    HAMBURGER : $2.25?
    CHEESEBURGER : $2.50?
    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50?
    HAND JOB : $50.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

    "Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

    The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"


    She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

    The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

  11. #836
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

    Max Factor should make condoms.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  12. #837
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    22nd November 2008 - 21:07
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    Got these from my Old Man:

    A Guy goes to see his Doctor about a disturbing problem, "Doc, its about my Penis" he says a bit embarrassed.
    "Well, get it out and lets have a gander" replies the Doc, So the guy proceeds to get it out show the Doctor. All over his end are these little green growths.
    "Aaahh," says the Doc " thats what we call Brothel Sprouts."



    "Research has shown that our modern diet and way of life should have shortened our expected lifespan by half, " A Scientist at a Convention was saying " but there is one food above all others that has proven detrimental to our health. Can anyone guess what it is?" From the back of the room a little old lady raises her hand
    "Yes?" says the Scientist. With a straight face the Woman replies "Wedding Cake"
    It's all Shits and Giggles until someone Giggles and Shits


  13. #838
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    Penguin Publishing are promoting a new range of books from Muslim authors now, titles include;

    "Finding a job" by Oyeah Asif
    "Cooking Curry" by Ahmed Astink
    "Easy DIY" by Mahroof Isfukd
    "Inbreeding" by Ishag Masistah

    along with their hot tip for "best seller"

    "Justice for muslims" by Shahoot Dhakunt
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  14. #839
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    7th November 2008 - 13:30
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    I met her at the Civic. I’d been Holden up the bar all night and as she walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that was just a Mirage. She came up to me on her own Accord. I said ”Audi”, and she told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice Mini, but not like that of Hunter.
    Her name was Sylvia and she was a real Trooper. I’d drunk a few Corona’s when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by her standards I wasn’t that Ford. I didn’t want to pay – she said “you don’t know what you are Nissan”. So I paid. I took her back to my place – or HQ as I like to call it. I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute Legend.
    Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food left in the Lada.
    It was a great night, but I really should have worn a condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy – a little Bambina

  15. #840
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    22nd March 2008 - 07:59
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    kids know far to much now days.
    Today in the doctors waiting room
    I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and ken dolls
    imitating the doggy position.
    I bent down and told her,
    " you will end up with little baby dolls
    if you keep doing that."
    She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's fucking her up the arse."


    "May the motorcycle god's keep your tyres pumped"

    "The shortest distance between any two points on a motorbike, is the long way round"

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