Friday jokes

[Stirts]

Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends.

Imagine how they'll feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.

[EJK]

Guy1: Tell me a potassium joke.
Guy2: K



What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium



I wanted to make a good chemistry joke but the best ones Argon.



Guy1: Do you know any jokes about Sodium?
Guy2: Na

[Swoop]

It was my mate's funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh right to the end. Silly fucker had the coffin rigged somehow so that when it was being lowered into the ground, a tape of him saying, "Ha! Fooled you... I'm alive!" started playing. It was followed by things like, "Lads... Really. I'm not dead, let me out!"

We were all in stitches. Even the Vicar was pissing himself.

RIP Dave... Fucking legend!

[paturoa]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and faaaarted whenever he wanted.

The End

[mikeey01]

A blind man went for a job in a timber yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types and he guessed right everytime.
To catch him out the secretary stripped her clothes off and lay naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed and said he wasnt sure, so he asked for the wood to be turned over.
He sniffed again and said "ya cant fool me, it's an old shithouse door off a fishing boat"

[nadroj]

Blonde Payment Plan.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house

with that expensive double-panel energy efficient

kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor

who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed

a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that

I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy

had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these

windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line,

so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet

he felt like an idiot!! :roll:

[nadroj]

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
The boy said "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[nadroj]

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a
Few drinks, gets in the mood but true to
His wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound
Asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them into
Her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and
Asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin".

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

[nadroj]

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you
describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer
is a fat yellow lazy dude and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[YellowDog]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there..
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.....

[Geeen]

Here is one for all you gun addicts. This will make you think twice the next time you purchase a gun.

What follows is an actual photo of a person being shot at close range.
Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea.

Violence is a brutal event. Most of us tend to sit back in our living rooms, view the barrage of information that comes across from the media and we become desensitized to the real gravity and danger of the world in which we live.






















Just horrible, isn't it
__________________________________________________ ______________________________

[YellowDog]

......Apparently Rupert Murdoch has been touched and moved by the messages of sympathy left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

[crazyhorse]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner . He passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her �150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker�s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

[Swoop]

Amy winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter.

Amy says " Oh michael are you here to greet me because Im a musical genius like you?"

Michael turns to St Peter and says " Who is this horse faced junkie, and where are all these norwegian kids you promised me?

[MSTRS:Me]

Three men - a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in a car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen" the Devil started "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell".

The philosopher then stepped up "Okay give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat". The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said "The third hole from the right". "Wrong" said the idiot "it's from my arsehole". And the idiot went to Heaven.