Friday jokes

**Maha** · 3rd February 2012, 20:35

....http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...-h-u-r-b-r-o-s

**Stirts** · 7th February 2012, 09:54

Fabrizio
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Rossi
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Biaggi
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Schettino
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**Usarka** · 7th February 2012, 15:26

From the UK news:

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

**slofox** · 7th February 2012, 16:03

hahaha...

girltalk.jpg

**Swoop** · 9th February 2012, 08:04

Roses are tits,
Violets are tits,
I like tits,
Tits, tits, tits!

**Laava** · 9th February 2012, 16:14

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

**Laava** · 9th February 2012, 16:18

After an amazing hot 69er with his girlfriend, Paul remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he
brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and on top of that, gargled 2 litres of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 5 strong mints.

His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got in close and said, "Man! Did you have a 69er before you came here?"

Paul, shocked says, "Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, your forehead has a skidmark!"

**Laava** · 9th February 2012, 16:20

A bloke goes into WINZ in Whangarei and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologists' Assistant. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk. The WINZ Assistant sorts through her files and replies. "Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.."
"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Kaitaia ". "Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

**Laava** · 9th February 2012, 16:28

Margaret and Bert, moved to the Australian outback.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?

'Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?''Nope,' she replied.'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!

Without changing her expression,Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat!!'

**Laava** · 9th February 2012, 16:30

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson......

'Bastards won't let me fart'.

**Swoop** · 13th February 2012, 08:27

Houston, we have a problem...

Whitney Houston to star in her new film. "The Bodybag".

Whitney Houston won an impressive six Grammys in fourteen years.
Slightly less impressive was her recent attempt at six grams in fourteen minutes.

Doctor Conrad Murray is currently solidifying his alibi.

If she wasn't before, Whitney Houston is definitely 100% soul now.

Whitney Houston: Born 1963 - Dead.
Amy Winehouse: Born 1983 - Dead.
Keith Richards: Born 1943 - Alive.
Ozzy Osbourne: Born 1948 - Alive.

Moral of the story: Women can't handle their drugs.

Well Whitney, that's one way to kick start your album sales...

Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor.
Personally I think she made the right decision.

A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV.
I don't know who is in hell, me or her!

whitney_dead.jpg

**slofox** · 14th February 2012, 11:32

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live. Can you help?

**slofox** · 14th February 2012, 11:35

Proof that men have not evolved much...judging by the look on his face.

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**Swoop** · 15th February 2012, 08:19

My wife called me yesterday.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

The sofa was quite comfortable last night.