Friday jokes

[DMNTD:Me]

The Royal Navy had a surplus of officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer could choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

“From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the officer in charge of that he might want to reconsider, citing the big cheques presented to the previous two Officers. But old the Chief insisted.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em, which he did.

The MO placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.

“Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The Old Chief calmly replied,

“Falkland Islands”.

[DMNTD:Me]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?.........

He'd lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.





Two dyslexics walked into a bra ...

[YellowDog]

During a recent password audit by an IT company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."

[Stirts]

Boyfriend asks his girlfriend to suck the life out of him and leave him dry.

She replied "YES! I will marry you."

[Swoop]

This annoying dick head I know's just been diagnosed with ADHD.
Or as I call it, annoying dickhead disease.




I've come up with a cure for ADHD.
A fucking good clip around the ear.

[DMNTD:Me]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, ‘You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.’
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, ‘You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.’
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, ‘You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

[ellipsis]

Just bumped into Rolf Harris whilst shopping this morning. I said:

"I remember seeing you doing 'Two Little Boys' in the seventies."

He said: "Fuck off, that was Jimmy Saville."

[swtfa]

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said "Thanks", and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained "The egg timer's broken."

[Banditbandit]

A suburbanite is being shown around his rural mate’s farm. They are out in the paddock in the Hi-Lux when the suburbanite sees a pig with a wooden leg. He points it out to his farmer mate.

“That pig is amazing,” the farmer says. “One day me kids were playing in the creek and the youngest fell in and would have drowned, but that pig came along and dragged him onto the bank. The pig’s amazing.”

“Yeah, but the pig has a wooden leg,” says the suburbanite.

“I’m telling you, the pig is amazing,: responds the farmer. One day I parked me tractor on a hill and forgot to put on the handbrake. It was rolling into the river when that pig came along and knocked over an old tree in front of the tractor, which stopped me $50,000 tractor from going in the river.”

Yeah,” says the suburbanite, “but your pig’s got a wooden leg!”

“That pig, mate, is truly amazing,” the farmer goes on. “One day these hoons came out from town and were doing burn-ups and hooning around - me wife was terrified. That pig came along and saw them off – attacked at their car, really had a go at them. The wife was relieved. That pig saved me farm and all.“

Yeah, mate,” says trhe suburbanite. “I get all that, but your PIG HAS A FUCKING WOODEN LEG!”

Yeah mate,” says the farmer “If you had a pig that great would you eat it all at once?”

[Swoop]

I went to a really trendy nightclub in town the other night.
The doorman said, "Sorry mate, you've had too many."
I said, "Drinks?"
He said, "Birthdays."

[MSTRS:Me]

I used to date a Siamese twin but she caught me out shagging her sister behind her back.

[YellowDog]

The wife left a note on the fridge last night.

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Dad's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about!

[husaberg]

I don't like to brag but......

i gave my lady an orgasm the other day.

Normally you would think this is no big deal but.

She can be a little hard to please at times.

So admittedly i was feeling pretty smug about it.

Well then imagine my surprise when she spat it back out again.

Talk about being hard to please.............

[Swoop]

Last night some Indian walked into the bar I work at.

"Treble vodka and coke please," came the order.

"That will be $6.80," I said.

"You're the only barman who hasn't asked for ID tonight," came the reply.

"Well I can tell from your facial hair you're definitely over 18," I replied.

That's when she stormed off.

[ellipsis]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.