Friday jokes

[Juniper]

A Texan farmer went on holiday to New England. While there he saw a New England farmer selling potatoes at a farmers market. Looking at them incredulously he asked:

"Why what are those itty bitty things?"

"They're potatoes," said the New Englander.

The Texan snorted. "Why in Texas we grow potatoes 10 times that size!"

The New Englander gave him an appraising look and nodded. "Yeah, that sounds about right," he said. "We grow them to fit our mouths too..."

[Juniper]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska. He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat
wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees'
shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all
about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly
bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the
semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball
bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged
the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was
that guy ?"

" Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom ."

" Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

[Juniper]

As a public speaker I get to give talks at many different places.
One of the best questions to start a public speech is; "Why are we here?"
I was once asked to give a talk at a home for the mentally disturbed. When I asked the above question a young man stood up and said. "We're all here because we're not all there."

[Juniper]

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

An Italian - will throw away the cup and walk away in a fit of rage.

A Frenchman - will take out the fly, and drink the coffee.

A Chinaman - will eat the fly and throw away the coffee.

A Russian - will drink the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no
charge.

An Israeli - will sell the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buy himself a new cup of coffee and use the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - will blame the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protest the act of aggression to the UN, take a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, use the money to purchase explosives and then blow up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

An Englishman will look on and shake his head thinking how this all could have been avoided had they only drank tea.

[Banditbandit]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.


The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."


After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.


"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.


After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"


She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door,
laughing.....


After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.


Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"


After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[Banditbandit]

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy young lads pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your tits out you penguins!" shouts one of the lads.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Fuck off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!

[Banditbandit]

The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife



"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.

[Banditbandit]

Two elderly ladies were talking.

“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; one said. Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half my whisky than to forget where I keep the bottle."

[Banditbandit]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

“Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a $20,000.00 bike, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[Scuba_Steve]

I know it's usually in text format, but don't think this would translate too well to text

[Scuba_Steve]

Another hard to transcript funny. A reminder to watch the drinking...

[YellowDog]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ....."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE .. LONG SILENCE .. VERY LONG SILENCE ..

"Ernesto, if you broke that f""king driver, you're in deep shit."

[roogazza]

[Juniper]

Mickey Mouse visits his lawyer and explains that he wants to divorce Minnie.
Lawyer. "I don't think you will be granted a divorce on the grounds that Minnie is insane."
Mickey. "I didn't say she was insane. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

[Juniper]

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania one night, when Dracula swoops down and lands on the hood. 'Quick, Sister Mary, show him your cross!' says the first nun. Wee Sister Mary, from Glasgow, leans out of the window and shouts 'Oi..get the fuck off the car, ya toothy cunt!'