Friday jokes

[Juniper]

Johnny and his girlfriend go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, Johnny goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."
So he does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.
When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[husaberg]

[roogazza]

[Robbo]

That's life i guess

[Swoop]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

[Ocean1]

With Xmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident.

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[Banditbandit]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," said George, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said,"I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," George replied.

She ran out of the room.

[Banditbandit]

[Swoop]

China-Fake Viagra, fake iPads, fake perfume ,fake trainers, fake handbags, fake watches, fake DVDs...

But their recent moon landing was real right?

[Swoop]

Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.

Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.

[roogazza]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'


'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'


'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. \

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'


'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot..

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

[SPman]

I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.



A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-Aussie slogans, with a half- burned flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.



Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.



For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[YellowDog]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God? for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

I took my son out for his first pint of beer.

Got him a Steinlager........................ he didn't like it ...........................I had it.
Then I got him a Speights................ he didn't like it...........................I had it.

It was the same with Guinness.........................and then a cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram!