Friday jokes

[cc rider]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL

Three mates married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia .
He told her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[husaberg]

[Juniper]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

[Juniper]

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Kevin’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

“Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘guess who?’ I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, “Do whatever you want.”

So, here I am.

[Juniper]

There were two statues, male and female, standing opposite one another in the park. Just as dawn was breaking, an Angel appeared and brought them both to life.

The Angel said that it had been decided to give them a half hour of time to do what humans do. He looked at her, she looked at him, and holding hands ran off into bushes and trees together. There followed 15 mins of grunts, groans, and deep sighs. They finely appeared looking hot and flushed.

The Angel said that they still had a quarter of an hour left, and would they like to make use of it. He looked at her, she looked at him, and he said " would you like to do it again"? She said "yes please" He said "Ok this time I'll hold the birds down and you can crap on them".

[Juniper]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Romania, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead

[Juniper]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in

[Juniper]

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

14. Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? (I needed to think about this one!)

23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If a man says something and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

26. If the plural of mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice, is more than one spouse spice?

27. Can an atheist say "OH MY GOD!" when he/she is having an orgasm?

28. If the bloke that invented the Drawing Board got it wrong. What would he have gone back to?

29. If Popeye has the strength to squeeze a can of spinach so hard that the spinach pops out of the can and flies into his mouth, then why does he need the spinach in the first place?

[Juniper]

Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take
care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue,
she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties
and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Thundering' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'

[Juniper]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burnt out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

[roogazza]

Not friday but this just seemed funny.Maybe it's my age ?

[Juniper]

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said "Honey, do your remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.

"She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes, dear,that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.

What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

[Juniper]

TRADITIONAL AUSTRALIAN FARMING:

You have two sheep.

You sell one and buy a ram.

Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows. You buy out your

Neighbours

You sell the lot and retire on the income.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)

You have two sheep.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.

You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You go on strike because you want three sheep.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep

and produce 20 times the wool.

You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and

market them worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and

shear themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

Both die from foot and mouth.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You count them and learn you have five sheep.

You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.

You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.

You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You have 300 people shearing them.

You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman

who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

That one on the left is kinda cute.

[Juniper]

A blonde and a brunette get into an elevator and punch in two of the highest floors. They do not know each other, so they stay to themselves.

About halfway up to their respective floors, a balding gentleman enters the elevator with them, with some of the most atrocious dandruff either of the women had even seen gracing the shoulders of his suit. He didn’t seem to notice, but they were practically revolted for the trip.

His floor came up quickly and as the door shut from his exit, the brunette looked up to the blond and commented “That man needs to get some Head and Shoulders.”

The blonde got really confused before asking, “Wait, how do you give shoulders?

[Banditbandit]