Friday jokes

[husaberg]

Q: What do you get when you walk under a cow?
A: A pat on the head.

[Swoop]

If Scotland gets independence, will the Duke of Edinburgh become "The Prince formally known as".

[cc rider]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live,
and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie,what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats,
"that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has Asian eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl,
"I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie,
I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl,
who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank God for that!" the girl says

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved...

"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

[cc rider]

Three young pregnant girls talking in the doctors office.

1st girl says she knows that her baby will be a boy as when she fell pregnant, her husband was on top.

2nd girl said she knew her baby was going to be a girl, as when she fell pregnant, she was on top.

3rd girl burst into tears and screamed "I'M HAVING PUPPIES!!!!!!"

[cc rider]

A priest is down on the docks fishing and hooks a huge fish.
A Sailor is walking by and notices that the priest is having trouble reeling it in so he gives him a hand to reel it in, the sailor says "Whoa, take a look at the size of that fucker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor thanks him for his assistance and takes the fish back to church.
Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. Language, please! this is God‘s house," replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "you know I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
" Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - it's a fucker " says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says,
"wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

at dinner The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what? You cunts are alright."

[cc rider]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays
that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around,
her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day Madam. How may we help you today?"
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
"What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

[cc rider]

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh.
He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it.
Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh.
After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her ,"Why the turkey and Santa?"
She replied, "I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!"

[Stirts]

Think you'll find not many men will support this!

If the end product means a baby, I think you'll find many men will support this! Unless of course she is into anal

[husaberg]

If the end product means a baby, I think you'll find many men will support this! Unless of course she is into anal

Silly sausage.
Tina darling, sweetie, I think you do have it ass backwards.
Men have sex, not always because they want babies...
Either way The duchess need to eat more pies anyway.......

[roogazza]

[Stirts]

It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.


"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

[Swoop]

Top Tip: Ladies. Punishing your husband by not talking to him, is like trying to kill a fish by drowning it.

[Akzle]

It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.


"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

wow. flashback to 1995.
i did prefer the acceleration and handling on them, though... which i've yet to find a laser that can replicate...

[Stirts]

wow. flashback to 1995.

I am surprised you remember the 1990's

i did prefer the acceleration and handling on them, though... which i've yet to find a laser that can replicate...

I am sure your balls will be satisfied with this one

[Akzle]

I am surprised you remember the 1990's

quite honestly, me too.