Friday jokes

[Rhys]

Missing Wife/ The Male Mind
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.…at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.

[YellowDog]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened
to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew
over.
I looked up, and one of them sh*t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Swoop]

Why do lesbians use dildos?

I mean, haven't they made their choice?

[caspernz]

Why do lesbians use dildos?

I mean, haven't they made their choice?

Haha, that reminds me of the definition of a lesbian...

A: Just another woman trying to do a mans' job.

[roogazza]

[cc rider]

Rick and his wife, Angie were driving home one very cold night when Angie asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[cc rider]

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby..... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl ."

It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.

[HenryDorsetCase]

a sheep joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIgSQDQC0qc

[youtube]RIgSQDQC0qc[/youtube]

[roogazza]

[caseye]

Can't remember if I've posted this one before, but somehow it seems appropriate.
NZ Thou Shalt not Steal.



I absolutely love this, who-ever thought it up is a genius, they need congratulating. enjoy

Dear Mr. Key


Please find below our suggestion for fixing NZ's economy.


Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 200,000 people over 50 in the work force.


Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire.
200,000 job openings - unemployment fixed


2) They MUST buy a new car.
200,000 cars ordered - Car Industry fixed


3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed


4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed


5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .......
and there's your money back in duty/tax etc


6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy b......s to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.


It can't get any easier than that!


P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances


If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.


Grumpies of the World Unite


Also .

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.


This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE NZ CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?
It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this .... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of NZ to speak up!

[YellowDog]

Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches
into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out
a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal
a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,
replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great
shout go up outside, followed by an even greater
shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the
chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time
with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."

[cc rider]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder ..'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

[Swoop]

IMPLANT ALLOWS ISLAMIC TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD!




The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.


The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained
and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection.

No anaesthetic is required.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like
headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
In most cases, you won't even notice it.

[Robbo]

Learning Arabic....

[roogazza]