Friday jokes

[gjm]

A woman who is 6 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 4 months later she awakes, and ask the doctor about her baby.

"You had twins," the doctor said. "A boy and a girl. They are both fine and healthy. Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh no!!" she said. "He's so thick you wouldn't believe it! What did he name the girl?"

"Denise," said the doctor.

"Oh. That's not so bad. I quite like Denise... What did he name the boy?"

"Denephew."

[Swoop]

I went into a fish & chip shop last night and asked, "Do you serve ginger people here?"

The guy laughed and replied, "Yes, of course we do. Now what can I get for you?"

Horrified, I silently backed out of the shop.

[anebv8]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

* My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

* My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

* My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

* "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all that property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... he had a paper route!"

[Swoop]

Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.

The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."

Needless to say, the first scientist won.

[husaberg]

Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.

The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."

Needless to say, the first scientist won.

Yeah the second one was Blonde too

[Big Dog]

Certainly lost some of his colour as the game progressed.

Sent via tapatalk.

[Robbo]

A little Catholic sense of humour.





'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks,

'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,

and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to

atone. You cannot be an altar boy now

for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get ?'

'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

[Swoop]

J.A.W.




Seems quite appropriate for this thread...

[Swoop]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fucking pub.

[Big Dog]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fucking pub.

I've been blown in a pub or two. Not sure where the wind comes in though.

Sent via tapatalk.

[Stirts]

"What a filthy, blasphemous, depraved bastard that David Cameron is," said a Muslim to his pal.

"Totally," replied his pal. "Now hurry up with that goat, it's my turn."

[husaberg]

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman.
She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up."
She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."

[Ocean1]

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman.
She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up."
She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."

Roots, dammit. Eats roots shoots and leaves.

Or is that Kiwis?....

[husaberg]

Roots, dammit. Eats roots shoots and leaves.

Or is that Kiwis?....

It can also be eats bushes and leaves.
I prefer shoots as it is more in keeping with the Pandas actual diet.

[Swoop]

VW have got into trouble for falsifying data. Apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions.


&



Thanks to Volkswagen I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.