Enigma
You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Caitlyn Jenner has just been formally awarded "Woman of the Year" by Glamour magazine.
How can you be "Woman of the Year" if you haven't even been a woman for a year?
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
The orchestra conductor was laying into the second violin: 'If you don't buck up your ideas and demonstrate to me that you are worthy of being called a musician, I'll take away your violin and your bow, give you two drumsticks, and move you to the percussion section.'
The drummer then chimed in with: 'Yeah, and if you can't play the drums, we'll take away one of your sticks...and make you the conductor!'
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Just chugging along...
Yeah, I know it's not Friday...
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a Ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, may I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read It.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the
paper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the Barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"
Grumpy Old Bastard
I reckon that last one comes from a bike shop.
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Scooter boy
Interviewing a gold digger.
simple question, why did the Soviets modify a air-raid shelter into a gas chamber? what was their intention?
Grumpy Old Bastard
More signs...
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Grumpy Old Bastard
Last five.
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Scooter boy
85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
Argo Solvo Interio Putus
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
The Welsh have just changed their system of organ donation to one of "assumed consent".
This is the same system they have successfully been applying to sex with sheep for centuries.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anorak
You old kidder..................Originally Posted by Swoop
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken
Enigma
You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
If I'm going to hell, I hope I go to Muslim hell.
They probably only serve bacon.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I rang up work this morning..
"My wife passed away in the early hours," I told them. "I'm going to need some time off work."
"Oh dear, sorry for your loss," the receptionist said. "And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you," I replied. "It'll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Motherfucker Of The Year !!!
What could possibly go wrong?
I've spent my money on bikes, booze and babes. The rest I've wasted....
There are currently 9 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 9 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks