Friday jokes

[Daffyd]

The telephone rang at dawn. “Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph, that your parrot died.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“My God! What fire are you talking about?”

“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”

“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my $5m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”

“What bloody funeral?”

“Your wife’s, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike driver.”

There was a lengthy silence.

“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”

[Daffyd]

An Arab enters a taxi. Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ……..So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him:

“What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel.”

[Daffyd]

Terrence, woke up after the annual office new year party with a hammering headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the last evening.

After a travel to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife Cara put some coffee in front of him.

“Cara,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” Cara said, her voice smelling scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” Terrence said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” Cara answered. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said Terrence.

Cara answered; “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

[YellowDog]

_________________________________

[roogazza]

[Daffyd]

A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.

“There it is,” said the Englishman. “It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”

“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan. “Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”

“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman. “That’s the local lunatic asylum!”

[Daffyd]

A pilot and co-pilot for Air Lingus, (Irish national airline), were descending for an emergency landing at an airport which they had never been to before. Suddenly the pilot looked out of the windshield and exclaimed: “Look how short the runway is! I’ve never seen one that short!”

At this, the co-pilot looked out and agreed: “Wow, you’re right! Are you sure we can make it?”

“Well, we better had,” said the pilot, “because we’re almost out of fuel.”

Trying not to betray his nerves, he went on the intercom and told the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to a little over stall speed. The huge jumbo jet came screaming in to land, barely under control. The pilot was sweating profusely while the co-pilot said a silent prayer. After what seemed an age, they managed to touch down and came screeching to a halt just yards before the edge of the runway, tyres smoking.

“My God! That was close!” gasped the pilot, mopping the sweat from his brow. “That runway was SHORT!”

“Yeah!” said the co-pilot, “and WIDE too!”

[Daffyd]

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded.

“I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

[Daffyd]

While riding my Scoot , I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my ol’ lady will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my ol’ lady won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my ol’ lady is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[Daffyd]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around enjoying the odd whiskey or two. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, my bear became as gentle as a lamb.

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him like a plumbers nightmare. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it...circumcision may not have been the best way to start...”

[Banditbandit]

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi having been living in a small town and playing chess ever Thursday night for many years.

One Thursday, as they sit playing chess the Catholic priest says to the Rabbi; “We’ve been friends for many years. There’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you. Do you mind if I ask a personal question?”

“No,” says the Rabbi. “We’ve been friends for a long time. Ask me the question.”

“Well,” says the priest, “have you ever eaten Pork?”

The Rabbi replies: “I must admit that before I became a Rabbi I snuck out to the local Cobb and Co and had a meal of roast pork – so yes, I have eaten pork.”

There’s silence and the pair play a few moves.

The Rabbi looks up. “Now that you have asked me that, there is something I’ve always wanted to ask you.”

The priest smiles. “I think I know what you want to ask – so ask me.”

“Well, have you ever slept with a woman?”

“Yes,” replies the priest. “I must admit that before I became a priest I snuck out of the seminary, went to the local house of ill-repute, handed over my money – and yes, I have slept with a woman.”

There’s silence as they play a few moves. The Rabbi looks up and smiles.

“Better than pork isn’t it …”

[Bikkie]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

[ a husbands point of view ]

The missus bought a paperback down at
Whitcoulls.I had a look inside her
bag.Twas "Fifty shades of grey"
well I just left her to it.And at ten I
went to bed.An hour later she
appeared:The sight filled me with
dread...In left hand she held a rope.
And in the right she held a whip! She threw
them down upon the floor.And
then began to strip.Well fifty years
or so ago,I might have had a peek.
But Mabel hasn't weathered well.
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind
could not have been much
grimmer.And things then went
from bad to worse,she topped off
her zimmer! she struggled back
upon her feet.A couple minutes
later,she put her teeth back in and
said,"I am dominator!! Now if you
knew our Mabel you'd see just
why I spluttered.I'd spent two
months in traction for the last
complaint I'd uttered.She stood
there nude and naked bent forward
just a bit.I went to hold her sensual
like and stood on her left tit
Mabel screamed her teeth shot out
My god what had I done? She
moaned and groaned then shouted
out.'Step on the other one!!" Well
readers,I can't tell no more about
what occured that day.Suffice to
say my jet black hair,Turned fifty
shades of grey.

[Daffyd]

Cock fighting.

As most of you will know, I live in the Philippines. After basketball, one of the most popular sports is cockfighting. I thought I might look into getting into it. After making a few inquiries I learned that the best fighting roosters are bred in Tibet, (of all places). I contacted this breeder and a deal was made. Rooster duly arrived and I put him in a brand new pen. Imagine my dismay when I checked on him next morning and there was an egg rolling around the pen! I promptly texted the breeder and complained bitterly.

The reply was, "Himalayan rooster!"

[roogazza]

[Bikkie]

This guy finally gets the chance to bed a
woman he's fancied for ages but just as
they start to undress each other she says,
"I must tell you that I'm a little flat
chested,I hope you don't mind?"
"Nonsense" he says,"You've got nice tits,"
but as he peels off her padded bra,he
notices that she's as flat as a pancake.
"Don't worry,I must tell you that I'm hung
like a baby down ther" he replies.
So she peels his underpants off and is
confronted by the biggest whanger she's
ever seen."I thought you were hung like a
baby" she said."I am" he replies,
"Nine pounds,Four ounces and eighteen
inches long."