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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #736
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    A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above,

    · sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

    · "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

    · "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said, "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

    · “Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food

    · On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

    · "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

    · "Forty," she replied

  2. #737
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    Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

    Paddy said, ' I gonna do that when I win lottery ' ...

    'What ' s dat ' , says his mate.

    'Send me lawn away to be cut ' , says Paddy.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  3. #738
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews.
    I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
    But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

    So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here if anyone wants to buy it?
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  4. #739
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    Justice in Wellington

    (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Wellington courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
    When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

    After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

    After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Hurricanes rugby team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone this year.
    "So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."

  5. #740
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    Breaking News:

    Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  6. #741
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swoop View Post
    Breaking News:

    Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons.
    Forgive me, but that one just swished right over the top.

    DOH !!

  7. #742
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    Oh dear.

    Here's one you are likely to understand...

    Man said to wife: "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now!" She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard." He said "No, seriously, the footy's about to start... fuck off!"
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  8. #743
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    My retarded sister works in a cereal factory.

    We call her Special Kay.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  9. #744
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    Quote Originally Posted by rastuscat View Post
    Forgive me, but that one just swished right over the top.

    DOH !!
    Mokeys......typewriters......1000's...........ulti mate play/story......
    Reactor Online. Sensors Online. Weapons Online. All Systems Nominal.

  10. #745
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    Quote Originally Posted by avgas View Post
    Mokeys......typewriters......1000's...........ulti mate play/story......
    Monkey has "n" missing off his keyboard
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  11. #746
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stirts View Post
    Monkey has "n" missing off his keyboard
    Give him time...perhaps he'll luck upon it.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  12. #747
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    Quote Originally Posted by rastuscat View Post
    Forgive me, but that one just swished right over the top.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_monkey_theorem
    Scroll down to "popular culture" perhaps?
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  13. #748
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swoop View Post
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_monkey_theorem
    Scroll down to "popular culture" perhaps?
    God they come up with some shit these days

  14. #749
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoristheBiter View Post
    God they come up with some shit these days
    There's always been shit. Now it's just more accessible.

    (Which is why while technology and edumacation should all be increasing, we also get more and more dullards who cling to the wackiest ideas like homeopathy and crystals, and conspiracies like "the Moon landings were faked" or "the Royal Family are lizards".).
    Measure once, cut twice. Practice makes perfect.

  15. #750
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    Quote Originally Posted by pzkpfw View Post
    There's always been shit. Now it's just more accessible.

    (Which is why while technology and edumacation should all be increasing, we also get more and more dullards who cling to the wackiest ideas like homeopathy and crystals, and conspiracies like "the Moon landings were faked" or "the Royal Family are lizards".).
    Next thing you'll be trying to tell us the Earth is round or summit...
    You don't get to be an old dog without learning a few tricks.
    Shorai Powersports batteries are very trick!

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