Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

[DMNTD:Me]

Two bowling teams, one all Blondes and one all Brunettes,
charter a double decker bus for a trip to Louisiana.


The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the
Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't
heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to
go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard, and
whispered...



'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'

[slofox]

Heard this years ago - may be a repost but what the hey, it's still funny...

Two likely young lads turn up to a fancy dress party. It's a "mood" party.
Both lads are completely stark naked apart from:

Lad No 1 had a plastic bag of custard taped over his willy.

Lad No 2 had his willy embedded in a pear.

The dude at the door stops them. "You can't come in here like that. This is a MOOD party, not a NUDE party"

Lad 1 pipes up "Ahh but I am portraying the mood - you see I am fucking dis custard!"

And lad 2 chimes in "And I am deep in dis pear!"

They both got in...

[Goblin]

Harley Davidson Faces Stiff Competition From Johnson Marine Who Introduces New Line
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. Peter Long, Johnson's Brands Marketing Manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish."

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after." At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agree. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner. "But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both."

"Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $20,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 20 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 20 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs."

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell."

Big Johnson Motorcycles will be traded on the New York stock exchange under the abbreviation PNSNV.

[Swoop]

Harley Davidson Faces Stiff Competition From Johnson Marine.

Oi. Fuck off.
This is a jokes thread, NOT "new bike news".
Post elsewhere please.



Does my "Big 70hp Johnson" replace the need for a Harley Fergusson?

[crazyhorse]

33,000 Maori meet at the Westpac Stadium for a ‘Maori Are Not Stupid’ convention.
Pita Sharples addresses the crowd.. ‘We are all here today to prove to the world that Maori are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?’
Hone Harawira gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Pita asks him ‘What is 15 plus 15?’
After 15 or 20 seconds Hone says, ‘ Forty!’ Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Maori start chanting ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’ Pita says, ‘Well since we have a huge crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.’
So he asks, ‘What is 5 plus 5?’
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ‘ Twelve?’ Pita looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Hone looks like he’s going to weep. But then the 33,000 Maori begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’

Pita, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, ‘OK then, what is 2 plus 2?’
Silence again hangs over the stadium.
Hone closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, ‘Four?’
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Maori crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’

[DMNTD:Me]

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place."

[Swoop]

My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery.
It was three weeks before anyone noticed.

[crazyhorse]

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..........Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?'

[blackdog]

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..........Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?'

I think she'll be wearing white

[Virago]

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..........Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?'

And....?

[RiderInBlack]

And....?

Crap joke. Play on "Tartan" and "Tart In"

[Swoop]

Since we're on the Scottish theme...


In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asks a student, "If you have 5 pounds, and I ask you if I can borrow 2, how many pounds do you have left?"
The student replies "5".

[Virago]

Since we're on the Scottish theme...

In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asks a student, "If you have 5 pounds, and I ask you to borrow 2, how many pounds do you have left?"
The student replies "5".

If you ask the student to borrow two pounds (and they do), they will have seven pounds. But if you ask them to lend two pounds...

(Pendantic prick shuffles off...)

[Swoop]

If you ask the student to borrow two pounds (and they do), they will have seven pounds. But if you ask them to lend two pounds...

(Pendantic prick shuffles off...)

OK, ok... altered for clarification!