Friday jokes

[Swoop]

What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim?

Who cares! More bacon for me.

[Daffyd]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble started...

[DMNTD:Me]

A man is at his wife's bedside while she is dying and she turns to him and says "my love I have to confess to you before I die"
He says "there is nothing to confess hunny, just relax and be comfortable"
She says "No I must confess, I slept with your brother, his best friend and your father"
He says "I know, that's why I poisoned you"

[DMNTD:Me]

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[Stirts]

Marriage is like an Advent calendar...

It costs a fucking fortune, is a massive disappointment and the only way you can get the flaps open is if there's chocolate involved.

[Swoop]

Good on Lance Armstrong for finally having the ball to come clean.

[MSTRS:Me]

After weeks of experiencing the hot, sweaty foliage... coming across countless creepy crawlies and other vile creatures, surviving only on the bugs around me... I've finally found Susan Boyle's clitoris.

[Daffyd]

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.



Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[YellowDog]

A good friend has just been fired from his job with the 111 Emergency call centre in Auckland. A man called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come, so I can finally meet Allah". Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line" was the wrong response.

[jimichelle]

rangi was up before the judge on possession of a knife and got 12mths jail
whitu was up before the judge on possession of a gun got 18mths jail
riumu was up before the judge for having 60 cents the judge sentenced him to 5 years in jail
the judge said in summing up he was aware he just had 60cents in his pocket but it showed clear indications he was saving up for a weapon

[Banditbandit]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 9 year-old pupils. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

Suzy, Johnny's little sister, raises her hand. 'I had a pussy-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," Suzy began, 'I was in the back garden with my little cat and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence right into our garden!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It certainly was,' said Suzy. 'My kitten raised her back, and went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say "Fuck-off!," the Rottweiler ate her!'

[Swoop]

I've finally accomplished my dream of winning the same amount of Tours De France as Lance Armstrong.
Zero.



Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.




I just caught something on the radio about Armstrong being stripped of his titles.
So is he not the first man on the moon anymore?




So Lance Armstrong was banned for cheating.
I bet the lying bastard didn't really beat cancer either.




I'm really disappointed in Lance Armstrong.
He's making innocent young drug users think cycling is cool.




Felix Baumgartner, Officially the highest sportsman since Lance Armstrong.




"Beating cancer made me stronger."
No Lance, I think you'll find it was steroids.




What a result for Lance Armstrong.
He now has more bollocks than he does Tour De France medals.




Just bought the new lance Armstrong livestrong arm band. You wear it higher on your arm and tie it off.





Looks like the French finally found someone they could win a war against, even though it took years.
A guy with one testicle.





If the Jimmy Saville and Lance Armstrong cases have taught us anything it is this:
Don't trust people that do lots of charity work.





I reckon Lance Armstrong misread what he was taking. He thought he was taking addabollock steroids





Lance is an anagram of clean, ironically.





I hope the irony is not lost that Lance Armstrong titled his book "It's not about the Bike".
How right he was!





Turns out that wasn't a yellow jersey Lance Armstrong was wearing...
It was simply his true colours shining through.




Oprah commented on the Lance Armstrong interview: "At the end of it... we both were pretty exhausted. And I would say I was satisfied,"
Sounds like it’s not just cycling he fucked…




Lance Armstrong got emotional during his Oprah interview, but numerous sources are reporting that he used performance enhancing onions.




Lance Armstrong has a new bracelet coming out.
It will reflect upon his past and will be inscribed with the words...
Lived Wrong!




Strange that Lance was able to cheat the reaper but not the world cycling authorities.

[DMNTD:Me]

nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

[Daffyd]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship .
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said,
"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny 's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny . "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny , "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

[Daffyd]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of the animal one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.
He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away,
turn right,
then left, past the bridge,
then right again
and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes",
the wife answers,
"why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered,
"Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."