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Thread: The author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom

  1. #1
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    The author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom

    Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

    You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

    After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

    Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm such a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding about it. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

    Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend, you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

    And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy think to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

    I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife, I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."

    OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are siting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

    I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  2. #2
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    Buggar me what a Dick !!

  3. #3
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    Brilliant!

    I have some empathy with the guy's predicament . After my first ever 1000 miles in 24 hours ride (in terrible conditions) I was in a bit of a state. Woke up in the middle of the night dying for a pee and as usual, went to the toilet not bothering to switch the light on. Trouble is, I was shaking so badly with fatigue that I wasn't sure how good my aim was. In the morning, an angry wife woke me up and gave me an earful which clearly suggested that my aim was indeed off by a country mile. When I told her about the circumstances, she said "Why didn't you sit down?" . Had to truthfully admit that it simply didn't occur to me!

    That's guys for ya!

  4. #4
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    Reminds me of the time I was taking photos of, inside the Public toilets in Kawakawa.
    After about the third pic taken, this womens voice says...ahem! this isthe womens toilet!...
    I looked around and could see no urinal, so I guess she was right...
    I finally made it to blokes toilet next door...where I proceed to make use of the urinal..
    Whilst doing this...I hear the sound of a camera, I lean back (while still pointing in the right direction) and mention that...
    Ahem, this is the mens toilet...to which the woman taking the photo's had the same look on her face as I did moments before (yes thats the one)

    Both toliets look very similar...

    ''What a fucking juvenille post.''

  5. #5
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    Your taking the piss again.
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert
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    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe

  6. #6
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    Isn't that why it's safer to pee off the balcony with a morning woodie? Just not when you're staying on the 9th floor of a nice hotel...
    Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting...

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by caspernz View Post
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    Isn't that why it's safer to pee off the balcony with a morning woodie? Just not when you're staying on the 9th floor of a nice hotel...
    No....the birds land on it.

    ''What a fucking juvenille post.''

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maha View Post
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    No....the birds land on it.
    Just watch out for the woodpeckers...
    "A shark on whiskey is mighty risky, but a shark on beer is a beer engineer" - Tad Ghostal

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maha View Post
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    Reminds me of the time I was taking photos of, inside the Public toilets in Kawakawa.
    After about the third pic taken, this womens voice says...ahem! this isthe womens toilet!...
    I looked around and could see no urinal, so I guess she was right...
    I finally made it to blokes toilet next door...where I proceed to make use of the urinal..
    Whilst doing this...I hear the sound of a camera, I lean back (while still pointing in the right direction) and mention that...
    Ahem, this is the mens toilet...to which the woman taking the photo's had the same look on her face as I did moments before (yes thats the one)

    Both toliets look very similar...
    Yep confusing...
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Better out than 6 teeth ....
    and the holes only half as big!

  10. #10
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    Smile

    For goodness sake why don't ya just have a root, get rid of the woody that way, and then take a piss.
    Doesn't play well with others!

  11. #11
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    morning woody, morning shower.

  12. #12
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    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  13. #13
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    Toilets are for pussies. Real bikers piss in the sink.
    For a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him. Keep an open mind, just dont let your brains fall out.

  14. #14
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    To the OP.
    I wondered where the "planking" craze originated.
    WEEKLY TOP TIP: I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes!

  15. #15
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    I reckon you could just use an old tube, ala extendable penile appendage to artfully guide the stream of urine into the commode! (when I suggested this could be a feature, I just got a look from my girly!
    "I like to ride anyplace, anywhere, any time, any way!"

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