Real estate jargon

[Maha]

Buyers are not stupid....

'Owner Moving'....
Really? so thats why His house is on the market??

'Has Potential'...
This house needs about 80K thrown at it, over and above the asking price.

'Vendor Wants it Sold'...
Perhaps thats why they contacted you in the first place?

'Character Filled Home'...
Its creepy but, you'll get used to it.

[Virago]

Handyman's delight...

...About to fall down.

Superb views...

...Incredibly steep section.

Secluded...

...Leg-in section.

[MSTRS]

In an up-and-coming area
= Otara is not that bad, surely.

[dino3310]

price by negotiation its to expensive to list so we put this here to get you in for a looksey and once your wife falls in love with the place you have to buy it

[Maha]

'Owner has run out of Money'

DIY just aint what its cracked up to be, you'll need contractors.

[Stirts]

Just available
previous owner just died on the premises, hope you don’t believe in ghosts

Wildlife nearby
children and pets get ticks and fleas

Must see inside
the outside is ugly

[Virago]

Location, location, location...

...Be prepared for a visit by the Residents Committee.

Nature lover's delight...

...Good luck trying to tame this overgrown section.

[Maha]

'More than meets the eye'

Because, what actually meets the eye will make you snigger, but aren't those trees nice?

[Hitcher]

"Triple fronted cream brick charmer"

WTF?

[Virago]

Deceased Estate...

...The family have scavenged the chattels, your job is to do something about the nicotine-stained ceilings.

[Maha]

'Oppotunity Knocks'

You wouldn't want to live here, best rent it out.

[MSTRS]

Cherished family home
The carpets are fucked, the decor hasn't been touched since 1960, the (kids) bedroom windows are nailed shut

[MSTRS]

Sole Agency
Add $10,000 to the price it should sell for.

[Maha]

'Sky Views'

No really, thats all you can see.

[retro asian]

Buyers are not stupid....


'Character Filled Home'...
Its creepy but, you'll get used to it.

Yes. In one example I looked at, it was referring to a toilet being present in the master bedroom... and I'm not talking an ensuite, this thing was in the middle of the room and had no walls :no:

[MSTRS]

Stunning Harbour Views
...when the tide is in

[FJRider]

Deceased Estate...

...The family have scavenged the chattels, your job is to do something about the nicotine-stained ceilings.

The blood stains are another matter ...

Location, location, location.
The location is great ... just a crappy house.

Wildlife nearby
Rats, mice and 'possums are wildlife too.

In an up and coming area
The area is so far down, the only way to go is UP.

Secluded area
30 minute walk from road end, 4WD track in ... but only in dry season.

Superb view
From one window

[MSTRS]

Viewing by arrangement only
Gives the owner a chance to hide all the buckets for the leaky roof

[Maha]

'Pet Haven'

The owners are moving because of the 5.30am peacock/minor bird/magpie wake up call every fucken morning, they are so worn out.

[Maha]

'In need of TLC'

We wont lie, its a fucken shocker!

'mahafail'

Didn't reach reserve at auction......:laugh:

[Hitcher]

Stunning Harbour Views
...when the tide is in

And standing on the toilet.

[Stirts]

'In need of TLC'


Reminds me when my Sister and her Hubby were looking to buy a house, I tagged along. It was house out by Old Albany Village. The selling catch phase by the Real Estate Agent was "Bring your paint brush"

Well, as we are walking in the door to the kitchen we see an inch gap between the beautiful remu bench top and the wall. My Sister turns to her hubby pointing to the gap saying "Bring your paint brush"

We all have a giggle.

Moving on through the kitchen door into the hall, we notice a 2cm gap between the top of the door frame and the wall, my Sister again turns to her hubby pointing to the gap saying "Bring your paint brush"

Again, we all have a giggle.

There were gaps everywhere, and even holes in the walls. We were all in chorus and wetting ourselves "Bring your paint brush" by the time we had finished the inspection.

We noticed about a week later the Real Estate Agent had changed her catch phrase. :rofl:

[Pussy]

DURRR,
They meant "bring your paint brush" to fill the gaps up!

[Mikkel]

For sale by tender
"Hopefully some rich prick will want it and have no clue as to what it is worth."

[Big Dave]

Close to transport - next to the railway line.

Handy to services - overlooks the gas tanks.

Deceptively spacious - Small.

Renovators delight - recently condemned.

----------------------------

I commend to you a book entitled: 'The Joy of Clichés' by Nigel Rees.

[MSTRS]

Delightful 1920's bungalow
Dark, dodgy additions out back and full of dryrot

[Stirts]

DURRR,
They meant "bring your paint brush" to fill the gaps up!

I have a 6 inch paint brush that will fill your cheekie back bum gap :bleh:

Bright and sunny
venetian blinds not included

Charming
Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have
to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

And much, much more
nothing else comes to mind

[Maha]

'Brick and Tile'

The only two redeeming features.

[MSTRS]

Easy care section
Concrete in all directions from the foundations to the boundaries...

[BOGAR]

Not quite the same but...
Priced to sell.
High.
(My only thought was, why else are they doing it). Someone may have a better explanation for this one.

[Skyryder]

Mortagee sale. Kicking the owner when he's down and out.



Skyryder

[YellowDog]

I went to see a house wit the missus. She liked it, but I didn't. The agent was obviouslt desperate and said "this house is clearly one in a million. I would hurry if I were you as you may miss this opportunity" My reply was,
"thanks for showing us around, but it isn't really what we are looking for"
"But your wife clearly likes it and I really think you should make an offer before it is too late"
"No, sorry, this one doesn't even make the short list"
"are you sure? Why on earth not?"
"Well we like our privacy and this house is not at all private"
"sir, this is one of the most private houses I have ever had the pleasure of selling - what do you mean by saying it is not private?"
"Well you see that young girl sitting on the sofa in next doors living room"
"The one with the pink slippers"
"Yes, very nice pink slippers, she is watching The Flintstones and it is the one where Fred drinks polish by mistakes and gets knocked unconscious when the bottle hits him on the head - I DON'T EXPECT TO BE ABLE TO SEE INTO MY NEIGHBOURS LIVING ROOM OR THIER TV PROGRAMS - come on wifey, we're out of here"

[Laava]

Seeking expressions of interest.
Apparently raising your eyebrows and cocking your head is not what they mean!

[Indiana_Jones]

I went to see a house wit the missus. She liked it, but I didn't. The agent was obviouslt desperate and said "this house is clearly one in a million. I would hurry if I were you as you may miss this opportunity" My reply was,
"thanks for showing us around, but it isn't really what we are looking for"
"But your wife clearly likes it and I really think you should make an offer before it is too late"
"No, sorry, this one doesn't even make the short list"
"are you sure? Why on earth not?"
"Well we like our privacy and this house is not at all private"
"sir, this is one of the most private houses I have ever had the pleasure of selling - what do you mean by saying it is not private?"
"Well you see that young girl sitting on the sofa in next doors living room"
"The one with the pink slippers"
"Yes, very nice pink slippers, she is watching The Flintstones and it is the one where Fred drinks polish by mistakes and gets knocked unconscious when the bottle hits him on the head - I DON'T EXPECT TO BE ABLE TO SEE INTO MY NEIGHBOURS LIVING ROOM OR THIER TV PROGRAMS - come on wifey, we're out of here"

So when do you move in?

-Indy

[Insanity_rules]

Heres My experience.............

Handymans Delight.
= watch the bloody floorboards, tiles and anything else.

Up and coming area
= watch what colours your wearing when you walk through your new neighbourhood

Motivated Vendor
= I need to dump this turkey

Seller relocating
= to a better fricken house

Charming
= creepy

Classic style
= Old and creepy

Sweet charming bungalow
= Small, old and creepy

By negotiation
= Agent is going to play you into paying too much

Nestled in Trees
=leaves, birdshit and not sun

Bright and airy
=Seller is a tight bastard who will nick most of the chattels

Gardeners delight
=Is that you Dr Livingstone

and My favourite 2 and a half bathrooms
= Got a toilet shoved in here somewhere, a bath off the garage and a small leaky shower somewhere else.

I used to play the property game quite a bit and its funny what you see.

[alanzs]

I had a guy put an offer in on our house and put my Bandit 1200 as part of the deal. When they were looking at the house (5 times) the guy was going on and on about the bike and how much he liked it. When they eventually made an offer, he had put the Bandit on the offer, to be included with the house. Fucking asshole...

On a brighter note, I always liked:

Priced to sell - Then why isn't it sold?

Seller relocating - They don't stay with the house?

[avgas]

"Prime location" - in the most fantastic area/suburb..........this house is at the center of it......in a gully/swamp

[MSTRS]

Rustic setting
The Clampetts are right next door

[avgas]

POA - "errrrr what do you think you should pay for it?" x 2

[ynot slow]

Hot and cold running water- washers need replacing,or taps leak.

3 double b/rms-1 largeish room,2 (double) only if in missionary position.

Study-area where the male can get away to watch porn on puter.

Designers dream-broke architech stuffed up with weatherboard cladding.

Natural contour-bloody steep drive,needing 4wd in summer,bulldozer in winter.

[Skyryder]

Rustic setting
The Clampetts are right next door


My not be a bad idea with his daughter for a neighbour.

[RantyDave]

"Triple fronted cream brick charmer"

No mate, that was "night after a curry".

Dave

[peasea]

"Triple fronted cream brick charmer"

WTF?

Do you know nothing?

It's a house being marketed by a three-breasted blonde who has a flute in her handbag with which to excite masonry.

[peasea]

Heres My experience.............

Handymans Delight.
= watch the bloody floorboards, tiles and anything else.

Up and coming area
= watch what colours your wearing when you walk through your new neighbourhood

Motivated Vendor
= I need to dump this turkey

Seller relocating
= to a better fricken house

Charming
= creepy

Classic style
= Old and creepy

Sweet charming bungalow
= Small, old and creepy

By negotiation
= Agent is going to play you into paying too much

Nestled in Trees
=leaves, birdshit and not sun

Bright and airy
=Seller is a tight bastard who will nick most of the chattels

Gardeners delight
=Is that you Dr Livingstone

and My favourite 2 and a half bathrooms
= Got a toilet shoved in here somewhere, a bath off the garage and a small leaky shower somewhere else.

I used to play the property game quite a bit and its funny what you see.

All so true.

Used car salesmen the lot of 'em.

I recently got close to putting in an offer on a place, very nice, bells, whistles and more. "What's happening with that paddock over the fence?" I asked. "Oh, nothing, the owner's a bastard, hard to deal with and it'll stay that way for years". Whatever. No offer went in.

I was riding past there a day or two ago and lo and behold, my freakin' jacket undoes itself from the bottom of the zip. Bugger, slight detour past the residential zone, slow down, stop to do up jacket (note to self; get zip fixed); hello! The paddocks got gutters, roading and more.

Lying bitch.

[Timber020]

"stones throw from beach"
If stone is shot from high powered rifle.


"Within walking distance from shops"
There have been recorded instances where people have walked this far in the past.

"within easy walking distance from shops"
Will require endurance training to make this trip, carry food and water.

"doer upper"
Nothing you could possibly do would make this place worse, A fire would help tidy the place up.

"cosy love nest"
So small you will have to be lying on each other if more than one person is to fit in the house.

"suit first home buyer" looking for clueless sap to unload this hovel on

"great rental income" was ex P lab

"unique opportunity" desperately need to find a sucker

"up market" up the road from supermarket

[hayd3n]

Easy care section
Concrete in all directions from the foundations to the boundaries...

nice a personal racetrack

[Shadows]

All so true.

Used car salesmen the lot of 'em.

I recently got close to putting in an offer on a place, very nice, bells, whistles and more. "What's happening with that paddock over the fence?" I asked. "Oh, nothing, the owner's a bastard, hard to deal with and it'll stay that way for years". Whatever. No offer went in.

I was riding past there a day or two ago and lo and behold, my freakin' jacket undoes itself from the bottom of the zip. Bugger, slight detour past the residential zone, slow down, stop to do up jacket (note to self; get zip fixed); hello! The paddocks got gutters, roading and more.

Lying bitch.

I had a similar thing. Told that the farm next door (the only decent view) was going to stay that way for the foreseeable future. "No plans for subdivision" was the answer to my direct questioning about it.

Went back to my hotel, had a look at the map, and saw all of the proposed (and already named) streets all over the farm.

Rang the lying piece of shit back and gave him his pedigree.

It was Ray White Real Estate by the way.

[Wonko]

Hidden Treasure
House isn't legal

[b]Multi Use Possibilties[B]
you can live in it, or rent it out.

[b]OLDE WORLD CHARM[b]
looks good and solid house, but no modern features like power. True story, one house I looked at had gas cooking/heating installed, but exposed power lines downstairs and an extention cable running upstairs.

[b]mortgagee sale[b]
There are no redeeming features, I just put mortgagee there to interest you

[scumdog]

And they change tactics as time goes by, i.e.

Use to be "A snip for the home handy-man" - now it's "Has potential"

Probably because there's less words/letters so is cheaper..<_<

[FJRider]

Seeking expressions of interest.
Apparently raising your eyebrows and cocking your head is not what they mean!

You're not reading the personal coloumn are you ???

[peasea]

I had a similar thing. Told that the farm next door (the only decent view) was going to stay that way for the foreseeable future. "No plans for subdivision" was the answer to my direct questioning about it.

Went back to my hotel, had a look at the map, and saw all of the proposed (and already named) streets all over the farm.

Rang the lying piece of shit back and gave him his pedigree.

It was Ray White Real Estate by the way.

Individual agents are not a reflection of the whole company though.

In looking at a slice of dirt just north of here I asked if there were any claims pending on the land. "Not to my knowledge" was the response. I did some digging and found that not only were there claims pending on the piece I was looking at, there were claims on the whole area. I found it in the local paper archives, front page news not 18months prior to my visit. You can't tell me a local RE agent didn't know about it.:2guns:

[peasea]

And they change tactics as time goes by, i.e.

Use to be "A snip for the home handy-man" - now it's "Has potential"

Probably because there's less words/letters so is cheaper..<_<

And I love the line they use when interest is slack; "What the market is telling us is....."

[mctshirt]

And they change tactics as time goes by, i.e.

Use to be "A snip for the home handy-man" - now it's "Has potential"

Probably because there's less words/letters so is cheaper..<_<

Another is "Needs finishing" which loosely translated means you'll have to tear it down and start again to repair the bodgy job by the half-arsed DIYer who thought doing up houses and flicking them was cheap and easy.

When buying a farm "Summer safe" means you won't have to worry about a drought cause it rains a lot. All the time. It never stops raining. Noah used to live here. We like mud. The rain has driven us mad and we have damp on the brain. Please stop the rain :crazy:

[Genestho]

Overlooks a stunning view of the Golfcourse


"FOUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"

Newly Developed Area
Yours will be the only house amongst piles of dirt and machinary, until the developer finds more money to finish the project!!


Close Community
Crossleased amongst 6 neighbours and to scratch your bottom you will need written permission from all six neighbours, to do so.

Country Delight
It's about to fall down around your ears, probably really need to tear it down and rebuild, and let's not mention the sewerage and watertank issues

[martybabe]

Enjoys all day sun = part of the roof missing

Lovely sloping section = prone to land slip

Large basement/rumpus/ games room = big damp underground room not fit for any use.

Kitchen recently renovated = new kettle and bread bin

bush outlook = tree planted to close to house

back to nature= neighbour doesn't wear clothes in summer

Keep some chooks= gardens fooked

Plenty of large outbuildings = shanty town

Rustic feel= dirty and damp

[Pussy]

Sloping section

Hillary and Tenzing trained here

[Shadows]

Individual agents are not a reflection of the whole company though.

Maybe, may be not - all I do know is that I will never deal with them again.

[Maha]

'House for Runt'

A typo surely???

[Swoop]

Delightful 1970's charm:
Has disgusting red 1" square tiles in kitchen and bathroom.

Bring a hammer:
Bring a bulldozer.


And I love the line they use when interest is slack; "What the market is telling us is....."
... that customers need to be raped harder.

[mctshirt]

And I love the line they use when interest is slack; "What the market is telling us is....."

Ahh that old chestnut - "You'll have to meet the market" is code for "drop your price so I don't have to work hard to sell your house and still get a cut for doing feck all" :angry:

[Headbanger]

I had a guy put an offer in on our house and put my Bandit 1200 as part of the deal. When they were looking at the house (5 times) the guy was going on and on about the bike and how much he liked it. When they eventually made an offer, he had put the Bandit on the offer, to be included with the house. Fucking asshole...



Interesting, When my old boy sold his last house they put in they wanted his projector and screen, spa pool and lawnmower. He was keen as hell to dump the lot.

I also remember as a kid my parents sold the family home to some Indians, On the day we shifted our gear out they turn up and tried to stop us, they insisted EVERYTHING (all our possessions right down to our clothes) came with the house. As far as they were concerned if it was on the property on the day they signed the agreement then they owned it.

LMFAO. It ended badly.

[Maha]

Here is this thread in 2.49 mins....:laugh:

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[wickle]

Will not bid at AUCTIONS if there is a phone bidder, few years ago a house I was interested was a up for Auction< Auctioner started by saying one agent had a phone bidder, auction started few bids later including a couple of bids from phone bidder Ohh gosh! the agents phone rings.Result some red faced agents, most of the interested people walked out. House was relisted with different agent the next week.

[vifferman]

What a depressing thread... :(
Reminds me how crap my house is, built in 1984 when builders were experimenting with alternate (i.e., CRAP!) materials. It's clad with weatherside (carboard with paint, or soggy weetbix if the paint's not maintained); it's got piss-poor insulation; the last owner was an enthusiastic (but not as skilled as he thought he was) DIYer, who probably didn't get sign-off on some of his work; the plumbing has failed 12 times since we bought it; the floor (more weetbix) dips where they've put walls next to floor joists instead of on top of them; the roof flashings aren't flash, so the roof leaks; the driveway is literally only a few inches long; the house is gradually creeping down the hill, opening cracks in the wall where some of the gib-board joins weren't taped; yadda yadda blah blah blah.

I really hope it burns down, which is unlikely since we replaced the fireplace with a heat pump, unless some wiring somewhere shorts out.

Oh yeah - the wildlife.
Rodents - both dead and alive. Both kinds stink.

The house is allegedly worth around $650k, most of which is the land, soggy, sloping piece of crappy soil that it is...

I think I might well ride into the back of a bus on the way home...

[Maha]

L J Hooker For Sale sign spotted at the weekend read....

'Buyers Wanted'...:facepalm:

So all you wankers with no money can fuck off.