HELP! Total EVILness(tm) has broken out!

[Swoop]

It is like one of those weird puzzles that nobody can solve! I go to relax in Te Lounge only to discover something of TOTAL evilness has praked itself on Te Bibble of Motorcycleness.

This demonic entity is worserer than Heilen Klerke crossbred with Winston Peters, and MUCH harder to move!

The first attempt at taking a photo sucked the batteries dry of power (honest!).
This photo was taken at full zoom so not to get too close.

Much like the puzzle, HOW do I get to the Motorcycling Nirvana?

Please help! All suggestions greatly appreciated and the best will be rewarded with bling. The worst will receive the evilness "book" if it can ever be restrained by a mortal hand. (Sorry, I'll retract that. The punishment is far too harsh, even for KB).

[Blackshear]

I think I chortled for the first time in my life.
Is this dangerous to me?

[FJRider]

It must be fiction ... women don't have short stories ......

[RC1]

kick her and her shit to the curb :bye:

[oldrider]

You are in deep do do Swoop, there is more to this than meets the eye!

It's a power thingie, she has deliberately put "her" book on top of yours!

It's called the "Alpha book" syndrome, an old trick but they always believe it will work, eventually!

Quietly shift it and see how long it takes to return to the alpha position, be prepared to be beaten into submission! :soon:

[98tls]

Methinks something of a sacrifice is needed,if me i would simply grab the clan and a change of clothing then liberally pour petroleum throughout every room in the house,light her up on the way out.Then at least you can rest easy having sent the offending item back to from where it came.

[Swoop]

You are in deep do do Swoop,

Quietly shift it...

HOW?????????????
It burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edit: Right. I'm off to try and poke it with a stick. If I'm not back soon, send help ASAP! (Beer, cigars & porn might counter some of the effects).

[allycatz]

Write a blog in the book about motorcycling....dare ya!!!!!:innocent:

[Elysium]

This demonic entity is worserer than Heilen Klerke crossbred with Winston Peters, and MUCH harder to move!


Don'y speak ill of the almighty god among mortals that is Winston. :not:

[PrincessBandit]

Give up now, you'll never win....:msn-wink: And be thankful it was only ONE book! (and at least it weren't knitting patterns for babies)

[Ixion]

Tchah. You youffs nowadays is so impractical.

The solution's obvious and any old skool biker would see it right away.

Take a piece of MDF larger than either of the books. Cut into it a square corresponding in size and position to the cursed book, but a little larger .

Lay a line of foam sealant around the outside of both books and clamp the MDF over the top, with the cutout aligned to the cursed book.

Take another square of MDF, similar in size to the first. Cut a hole in what would correspond to the centre of the cursed book, and bolt thereunto an adaptor to suit the intake of a powerful industrial vacuum cleaner.

Clamp the second piece of MDF over the first, connect the vacum cleaner and turn it on. Unclamp, without turning off the vacuum. The cursed book will now be held in place by the vacuum. Remove the bike book to a place of safety and, at your leisure r decontaminate it with garlic, holy petrol and two stroke smoke.Position the vacuum over a large container of strong acid, and have an assistant ready with a lid for the container.

Turn off the vacuum, allowing the cursed book to fall into the acid. Clamp the lid on , and drop the container into a blast furnace (an active volcano crater is better but not so easily to hand in the amateur workshop).

Sorted. Easy as.

Why do I have to do all your thinking for you?

[Big Dave]

I translate this as: 'Help - I'm pussy whipped'?
qed. HTFU and remove her bookmark.

[Laava]

I think Ixions idea is the closest to the answer so far, brilliant in it's simplicity!
Just in case it hasn't begun it's cruel and hostile transmogrification, [Check to make sure the lowermost tome hasn't begun the change ie; title changing to "Twist my limp wrist"] try outright, unashamed flattery and place a mirror somewhere nearby. Worth a try at a pinch?

[sil3nt]

Hate to be the bearer of bad news buy sadly you are going to have to burn your house down and start a new life :(

[Ocean1]

HTFU and remove her bookmark.

... carefully tear off the covers and swap teh contents. Replace bookmark at "Throttle control".


And by the by, that (tm) is registered to your's truely.


And HTFU, it's not Mills & Boon.

[Swoop]

Take a piece of MDF...
MDF burns easier than timber. I couldn't even get close to it without the wooden stick bursting into flames!

This is the result that greeted me when I had returned from A&E.

Is there no hope?:gob:

[oldrider]

MDF burns easier than timber. I couldn't even get close to it without the wooden stick bursting into flames!

This is the result that greeted me when I had returned from A&E.

Is there no hope?:gob:

Relax, it's like swimming across a fast river, let the current work for you, not against you!

Women have beauty, whereas "we" have "brains", use God's gifts as he intended! :yes:

The art of diplomacy is, "to tell someone where to go and have them looking forward to the trip".

With women just use more subtlety and lavish them with ("temporary") attention and caresses! :done:

If you do your job well, the books will, as if by magic, appear side by side on the table!

:love: conquers everything! :wari: It really is a man's world y' know. :shifty:

[Pedrostt500]

Ok there may be a way, first you need a full chemical and biological suit, though this may not be enough, if you can buy a very long handeled shovel, shovel the highly offensive material into a lead lined box, they have a furnace in france that may be hot enough to burn this material. your second option is to BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN, and claim that the previous owner used it as a P lab, and NEVER never admit to seeing this foul material again.

[klingon]

From the title of the thread I knew there would be something horrible in here - but I couldn't have imagined HOW HORRIBLE! :no:

Here's my suggestion. You will need the cover of a porno mag (preferably with the words "hot" and "horny" somewhere in the title to make it appropriate to the content).

You will also need a can of spray-on adhesive, plenty of beer and a very loud stereo.

Spray the adhesive to the back of the porno mag page. Then, from a safe distance (you may need to use BBQ tongs) place the page carefully on top of the book, sticky side down.

Now let it be known on KB that you have beer at your house and need help drinking it.

You will need to be very observant for the next part: Inevitably, someone will pick up the "porn" at which point you must be ready, with the door open. At the speed of light, shove them out the door, lock it and bar it. Ensure all other windows and doors are also locked and barred. Turn the stereo up so you will not be distressed by the screams of horror when your victim opens the book.

As long as you have plenty of beer, you should be able to stay inside the locked house for long enough for the book to do its work. Eventually you will find a pile of smouldering ashes on your front step. RIP gullible KBer. :bye:

[Swoop]

From the title of the thread I knew there would be something horrible in here - but I couldn't have imagined HOW HORRIBLE! :no:

Here's my suggestion...
I like the way you are thinking! Certainly a bit cruel for an innocent KB'er though.<_<

In the meantime, I have surrounded it with appropriate cd's. When it attempts to (hopefully) retreat from them, the cunningly laid trap of a strategically-placed rubbish bin will become its doom! Muahahaha!:Punk:

[Ixion]

One word. Nukes. Nuthin' says luvin' like plutonium.

[Swoop]

Nukes are definately on the "to do" list.

Today I have attempted a suitable bait...:shifty:

[vifferman]

Here you go, if go you must.

First, you must only approach the Offensive Object Whose Name Must Not Be Mentioned (henceforth called OOWNMNBM) when suitable girded. I suggest you must wear full motorcycle attire, but for visual safety, it must be emblazoned with Moto Labels (anything motorcycle related, the more, the more betterer. About exactly 57 decals, badges and labels or so should do).
So the OOWNMNBM does not smell you, you must annoint yourself with beer, engine oil, Swarfega, chain spooge, road spooge, blood, WD40 and any other manly unguments.

For aural safety, you need some appropriate protection. Wear ear ploogz, and make sure you have a motorcycle soundtrack playing. I suggest some motorcycle-themed music, plus (this is the important part) Moto-GP engine music on one side of the room, and 2-smoke engine music on t'other, both at approximately exactly 11. If the windws and ornaments aren't rattling, turn it up.

For olafactory safety, you must ensure you do not breathe the pestilential air around the OOWNMNBM. Burn an offering to the BikerGodz that is pleasing to their nostrils. This shall consist of one part Castrol R, one part of Pirelli Corsa race rubber, and one part of 100 octane race fuel. Burn this in a suitable receptacle, such as the inverted piston of a Yamondakawazuki 10000RRR.

For visual safety, you must not be able to look directly at the OOWNMNBM. You must approach it backwards, using a cracked motorcycle mirror, with the glass obscured with a smear of used motorcycle engine oil or SnoSeal.

Right. You're nearly there.
Here's the REALLY tricky bit.

As you walk backwards towards the OOWNMNBM, spray Plexus, WD40 or somesuch behind you to form a thick cloud. Advance the cloud towards the OOWNMNBM, until you are within about one metre of it. Using the OOWNMNBM clubbing stick you have previously prepared (wait - did I not mention that? :rolleyes: Oh - it's the left fork of an RD350, with leaky seals, a flakey, rusting tube, a dent in the slider, and a broken off axle still bolted on.) Lunge towards the OOWNMNBM, and with a twisting backhanded swat, flick it using the jagged part of the axle, so it neatly sails out the open window.
Yay! YOu may now burn it at your leisure. (But don't forget to deny all knowledge of it's demise, and to clean up all evidence of what happened).

If you are successful, you may now drink a libation to the BikerGodz, in praise of their merciful goodness for helping you secure freedom from the Perils of the OOWNMNBM.

If [...shudder...] you have failed, RUN AWAY!!

[Swoop]

GAH!!!

Girlie reinforcements have obviously been called in by the OOWNMNBM whilst I was distracted. (Dainty packets of snot-rags? who thinks up or purchases this crap??)




A fine suggestion Mr Viff!

[martybabe]

:sherlock: As an amateur sleuth happenstancing upon the scene depicted in that last photo the following deduction can be made... Someone (as yet unidentified) has read the title A twist of the wrist but failed to inspect the subject matter within, leading them to conclude that this book is for quiet gentleman alone time.

As an act of support/love/understanding they have left you a copy of secret women's short stories, believing this to be a better source of material for solo romancing and a lovely pack of tissues for any spillage that may occur. a magnificent selfless gesture, leaving a little something for you to enjoy, much the same as you leaving a little present of Chocolate for them to enjoy. :D