Cop Jokes

[Cr1MiNaL]

This thread is for cop :Pokey::bash::tugger::kick::finger::ar15: jokes.

The rules are simple.

You have to have made up the joke yourself so they are original... Come on it's easy.

I'll start off:

1. How can you tell a cop in a group of people? He doesn't laugh at your jokes. :done:

[FJRider]

1. How can you tell a cop in a group of people? He doesn't laugh at your jokes. :done:

but he laughs at you ... not with you .... maybe because you are not as funny as you think ... :yawn:

[Toaster]

but he laughs at you ... not with you .... maybe because you are not as funny as you think ... :yawn:

Yep, well said... and they get to have the last laugh... always. :innocent:

[FJRider]

Yep, well said... and they get to have the last laugh... always. :innocent:

getting awarded a night in the cells ... "on suspicion of" ... anything ... a sense of humor fades ... :lol:

[Toaster]

This doesn't count, because I am an ex cop with NO sense of humour and can't make up jokes:


Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

[munster]

There's this guy driving along, speeding just a little bit and a cop pull up behind him lights flashing so he takes off, after awhile he thinks, 'WTF am I doing and pulls over'

Cops comes up and says 'look it's late & I'm tired, give me a good excuse and I'll consider letting you off with a warning'

'Guy says, my ex wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were bringing her back'

[munster]

A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

[munster]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of 12 year old Glen Fiddich did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who takes a few good mouthfuls and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

[Cr1MiNaL]

A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Brilliant!!! the joke could have ended here !

[ready4whatever]

Knock knock... whos there? ....swat! get the fuck out now or we will force you out

[Cr1MiNaL]

bump..... cop bashing

[TOTO]

A policeman is caught by cannibals. To escape the Island of Cannibals he has to survive 3 tents. In the first tent is ten bottle of Vodka. In the second tent there is an Indian Tiger with a toothache. In the third tent he has to sexually pleasure a lady.

So he goes into the first tent and about 10 minutes later comes out so drunk that he is about to pass out. He goes into the second tent. For about 20 minutes there are tiger noises of pain. He comes out and he says: "Where's the lady with the toothache?"

[LBD]

A Southland women is pulled over by a cop because she was speeding is asked the usual.....Do you know why I stopped you?

She answers...You thought I was attractive and wanted to ask me to the Southland policemans Ball....

He replied "Southland police dont have balls".....:Oops: and walked off

(may be an urban myth)

[Cr1MiNaL]

A Southland women is pulled over by a cop because she was speeding is asked the usual.....Do you know why I stopped you?

She answers...You thought I was attractive and wanted to ask me to the Southland policemans Ball....

He replied "Southland police dont have balls".....:Oops: and walked off

(may be an urban myth)

It's prolly true for most piggies in Auckland too!:woohoo:

[EJK]

Raj is in a car. Whos driving?





A Cop.




:msn-wink: Just joking mate :sunny:

[scumdog]

Driver gets pulled over and says to cop:

"Ya can't give me a ticket cos you don't have your hat on"
"Ya can't give me a speeding ticket cos it's over ten minutes since you clocked me and the reading will have dropped off your radar"
"I've only had three drinks so I can't be over the limit"
"I was doing more than 150kph so you're meant to be called off the chase"
"I've got a problem with my clutch and that's why I smoked up the tyres"
"I was almost at the 10kay area so ya can't do me for 109kay 'cos that's not over the limit"
"I was doing 99kay in the 50 area 'cos I had my fish and chips stuck down the front of my jacket and they steamed up my visor so bad I couldn't read my speedo"
"They shouldn't have got into my car 'cos they know I've only got a restricted licence"

These and many more are amongst the best cop jokes I have heard, all have been told to me throughout the years. :rofl::killingme

[awayatc]

Cop pulls over boy racer and starts ranting about all the things wrong with the car.....:
bald tyres, lights not working,no warrent and noisy exhaust....
After he's been scribbling a while on his pad, the Cop goes;
"that will cost you $460 all up....."
"Sweet"...says the kid.....
"and when will it be ready?".....

[Cr1MiNaL]

Cop pulls over boy racer and starts ranting about all the things wrong with the car.....:
bald tyres, lights not working,no warrent and noisy exhaust....
After he's been scribbling a while on his pad, the Cop goes;
"that will cost you $460 all up....."
"Sweet"...says the kid.....
"and when will it be ready?".....


Bwaaahahahahahaha NOICE!!

[Sidewinder]

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[scumdog]

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Repost.:bleh::bleh:

[Cr1MiNaL]

There's this guy driving along, speeding just a little bit and a cop pull up behind him lights flashing so he takes off, after awhile he thinks, 'WTF am I doing and pulls over'

Cops comes up and says 'look it's late & I'm tired, give me a good excuse and I'll consider letting you off with a warning'

'Guy says, my ex wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were bringing her back'


A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

I said original gansta!

[Sidewinder]

Repost.:bleh::bleh:

oh gay websites lol

[scumdog]

oh gay websites lol

No second prizes sonny.

Get out your best as-yet-unposted joke and show us what you're made of.

[awayatc]

A guy stumbles out of the pub and spoils onto the carpark...
He steadies himself against a car and swipes the roof....
mumbles a bit and staggers onto the next.....
So I ask him what he is doing.........
"juz trying to find my car...." he slurrs....
You can't find your car like that I reply......
"yes I can " guy says,
"mine has lights on the roof......"

[awayatc]

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

Actualy there are only 2 or 3 cop jokes around.....
all the other stories are true....

[LBD]

So this cop is sitting 100m down he road from the pub watching and waiting....

About closing time he sees this guy stagger out trying his key in a few doors and eventually find one that fits.

Thinking he has one here, cop gets out and briskly walks towards the car but is to slow and the car does a quick u-turn and heads down the road.

Cop runs back to his car and makes chase, not loosing sight of the tail lights and eventually catchs up with the drunk about a km down the road.

The drunk duly pulls over in response to the sigren and flashing lights.

Cop comes up to the door "Scuse me sir I say you leave the hotel and stagger to your car, evidently unfit to be driving. Could you please blow into here....

It reads zero....confused, the cop asks him to repeat blowing into the analyzer and again nothing. In the back of the car he had a couple of the old blow in bag crystal type detectors, but again zilch.

Confused, he mumbles...."I don't understand I saw you leave the bar hardly able to stand...whats happening?

The drunk looks the cop in the eye..."Its simple mate....I am the nominated decoy"

[Cr1MiNaL]

Ah brilliant ! LBD and awayatc I wish I could give you more bling! Duuuuuhuhh

[scumdog]

So this cop is sitting 100m down he road from the pub watching and waiting....

About closing time he sees this guy stagger out trying his key in a few doors and eventually find one that fits.

Thinking he has one here, cop gets out and briskly walks towards the car but is to slow and the car does a quick u-turn and heads down the road.

Cop runs back to his car and makes chase, not loosing sight of the tail lights and eventually catchs up with the drunk about a km down the road.

The drunk duly pulls over in response to the sigren and flashing lights.

Cop comes up to the door "Scuse me sir I say you leave the hotel and stagger to your car, evidently unfit to be driving. Could you please blow into here....

It reads zero....confused, the cop asks him to repeat blowing into the analyzer and again nothing. In the back of the car he had a couple of the old blow in bag crystal type detectors, but again zilch.

Confused, he mumbles...."I don't understand I saw you leave the bar hardly able to stand...whats happening?

The drunk looks the cop in the eye..."Its simple mate....I am the nominated decoy" while me mates drive orf pissed and kill themselves, great idea eh!

(there, finished the joke off nicely!)

[Cr1MiNaL]

while me mates drive orf pissed and kill themselves, great idea eh!

(there, finished the joke off nicely!)

Easy there tiger :P No one is advocating drunk driving - that's just silly...


the cop sounded stupid though...

[nothingflash]

Why does the local Gore cop like 25 year olds?

Because there's 20 of them.

[peasea]

It's prolly true for most piggies in Auckland too!:woohoo:

Don't forget the 'naki!

[Skyryder]

Only a cop would have sex in a cop car...........and get caught.:Oops:

*

The rookie cop walks into the station all proud.

Desk Sergent looks him up and down as says "where's ya collar."

Rookie cop looks a bit puzzled. Collar?? Ya never said nothing about a collar. Ya told me to go out and get a bust. She got away but here's the bra.


Skyryder






Skyryder

[ready4whatever]

Once a cop pulled over ready4whatever aka ****** for speeding, he was real pissed, he got out and knocked the pigs head in. Falling to the ground the cop dropped his speed detector, it reads 378 km/h from the speed of his fist.

[huff3r]

Once a cop pulled over ready4whatever aka Tony Gardner for speeding, he was real pissed, he got out and knocked the pigs head in. Falling to the ground the cop dropped his speed detector, it reads 378 km/h from the speed of his fist.

Wow, that really is a joke! :bleh:

[ready4whatever]

Wow, that really is a joke! :bleh:

yep whole point of thread lol

[Cr1MiNaL]

bump :) cop bashing - what uve always wanted !

[Dean]

When I was young I walked up to a officer in shiny uniform, looking up with beading eyes I shrugged on his leg, he looks down, I said "Mr officer why does everyone call you a pig?" He replies "Well there are people that hate us for making the world a better place just like jesus what he taught was the truth but people hated him" I said " bro you talk some shit aye".

[Grubber]

A Priest walks up to a little boy sitting by the gutter."What ya doin little fella"
The boy replies "stirring a bowl of shit". Astonished by the answer the Priest says "what ya gonna do with it?" Little boy replies " I'm gonna make a priest out of it". Absolutely gobsmacked by the reply he decides to phone the local police to sort this little guy out.
Mr Plod turns up and asks the boy what he thinks hes doing. Little boy says in a rather nasty manner" I'm stirring a bowl of shit you wanker" The cop says to him "and i suppose your going to tell me that your going to make a policeman out of it are you?" With that the little boy looks longingly into the bowl of shit and says "na...not enough shit"

[scumdog]

Can I start a BMP joke thread??