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bugjuice
19th May 2005, 13:47
Two guys are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I."

"Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar,sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Quasievil
19th May 2005, 13:54
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA bloody good one son :killingme

MSTRS
19th May 2005, 13:58
That's better than this one...
Two Irishmen were working for the city works department. One would dig a
hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on
to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort
you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it, why do you dig a
hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who
plants the trees called in sick."

Stroker Girl
19th May 2005, 14:17
:killingme :killingme

This is favourite of mine.

Paddy had been drinking in his local Dublin pub all day and
most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite"! He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night"? Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know"?

"Mick called ................You left your wheelchair at the pub".

SPman
19th May 2005, 19:03
"Mick called ................You left your wheelchair at the pub".


:killingme:killingme:killingme:killingme:drinknsin :drinknsin

I Feckin luv it!

Biff
19th May 2005, 19:42
3 great jokes. :killingme :killingme :killingme

My attempt:

Paddy is working on the building site one day when his boss walked over to him, handed him a lump of shit, and said, "it's ten past threi".

"What's dat for?", asked Paddy.
"Fur wurkin da weekend Paddy. Oye appreciate it", replied the boss.
"Hang on dere a minute", said Paddy,"You said youd pay me good money for workin da weekend".
"No I didn't", replied the bass. "Oi said oi'd give yee time and a turd"

scumdog
19th May 2005, 19:44
3 great jokes. :killingme :killingme :killingme

My attempt:

Paddy is working on the building site one day when his boss walked over to him, handed him a lump of shit, and said, "it's ten past threi".

"What's dat for?", asked Paddy.
"Fur wurkin da weekend Paddy. Oye appreciate it", replied the boss.
"Hang on dere a minute", said Paddy,"You said youd pay me good money for workin da weekend".
"No I didn't", replied the bass. "Oi said oi'd give yee time and a turd"

That is excruciating!! :D

Biff
19th May 2005, 19:53
That is excruciating!! :D

You think that's bad......

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Takiiillaaa.

Storm
19th May 2005, 22:33
You think that's bad......

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Takiiillaaa.

I dont know why I laughed, but yet I did.

Skunk
19th May 2005, 22:40
Please stop now Biff...

MSTRS
20th May 2005, 08:46
Now to get this thread back on task....

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

ManDownUnder
20th May 2005, 13:45
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."


aaa the pain - the PAIN!!!!!!

bloody funny - glad I stopped in here now!!!

MDU

scumdog
20th May 2005, 14:32
Now to get this thread back on task....

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

Top marks! Right up there with the first joke :niceone: :D

bear
20th May 2005, 14:55
Probably heard this one before, but (could just as easily be Irish)

An old Maori man lived alone at his family home in the Hokianga. He
wanted to dig his kumara garden, but it was very hard work. His only
son, Hone, who used to help him, was in the new Ngawhawha prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Kia ora e Hone,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my kumara garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up the hard ground for my garden plot. I know if you were here,
all my troubles would be over as I know you would dig the garden plot
for me.
Arohanui, Papa.

A few days later he received a reply from his son:

E Pa, Whatever you do don't dig that garden.
That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Hone.

At 4am the next morning the Whangarei C.I.B and the local police arrived
with a search warrant and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologised and left.

Later the same day the old man received another letter from his son:
E Pa, Go ahead and plant your kumara now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love, Hone.

Coyote
20th May 2005, 21:09
Probably heard this one before, but (could just as easily be Irish)

An old Maori man lived alone at his family home in the Hokianga. He
wanted to dig his kumara garden, but it was very hard work. His only
son, Hone, who used to help him, was in the new Ngawhawha prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Kia ora e Hone,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my kumara garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up the hard ground for my garden plot. I know if you were here,
all my troubles would be over as I know you would dig the garden plot
for me.
Arohanui, Papa.

A few days later he received a reply from his son:

E Pa, Whatever you do don't dig that garden.
That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Hone.

At 4am the next morning the Whangarei C.I.B and the local police arrived
with a search warrant and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologised and left.

Later the same day the old man received another letter from his son:
E Pa, Go ahead and plant your kumara now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love, Hone.
:killingme Bloody good one

Al
21st May 2005, 08:03
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drink saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"


A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."


Al

Sniper
23rd May 2005, 11:16
Hahaha, that was very good. I must say, Irish and Blonde jokes have been few and far betweeen

MSTRS
23rd May 2005, 11:49
Sean and Pat fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between
them - they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Pat said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop
and came out with one large sausage.
Sean said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Pat replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Sean said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!'
Pat replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Pat said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your
knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for
free.
At the tenth pub Sean said, "Pat - I don't think I can do any more o'this.
I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"
Patrick said, "How the f*** do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub."

Yarg
23rd May 2005, 11:58
Top marks, and not even St patricks day.

NC
23rd May 2005, 12:00
Potatoes !

bugjuice
23rd May 2005, 12:18
Potatoes !
no, it's; 'Diddle dee, potatoes..'

NC
23rd May 2005, 13:49
no, it's; 'Diddle dee, potatoes..'
Nope, wrong joke ;)

Irish apple pie.

bugjuice
23rd May 2005, 13:53
Nope, wrong joke ;)

Irish apple pie.
wasn't a joke, it was on the comedy festival on tv. Slip knows.. think it'd probably be her and me laughin at it.. probably not even laughing now.. not really that funny any more, but was once..

went something like:
'people think I'm irish, when I'm actually scotish. This is a scotish person talking, hello, this is an irish person talking Diddle dee, potatoes..'
had to be there I guess..

NC
23rd May 2005, 13:57
wasn't a joke, it was on the comedy festival on tv. Slip knows.. think it'd probably be her and me laughin at it.. probably not even laughing now.. not really that funny any more, but was once..

went something like:
'people think I'm irish, when I'm actually scotish. This is a scotish person talking, hello, this is an irish person talking Diddle dee, potatoes..'
had to be there I guess..
Yeah, I know :)

I watch tv sometimes, it was on the radio too.

Wolf
23rd May 2005, 15:43
An Irishman is showing an Englishman around parts of Ireland. A lot of the places have names like "Devil's Hill" and "Devil's Walk" and such and the Englishman, rather unkindly, jibes "The Devil seems to own a lot of property here in Ireland."

The Irishman responds "Aye, dat he does, Sor, but he's an Absentee Landlord - he lives in England."

bugjuice
23rd May 2005, 15:53
An Irishman walks into a bar - ouch.

NC
23rd May 2005, 16:09
An Irishman walks into a bar - ouch.
A baby seal walks into a club

Wolf
23rd May 2005, 16:14
A dyslexic walks into a bra...

bugjuice
23rd May 2005, 16:16
a sandwich walks into a bar
barman says 'sorry, don't serve food..'

lets start a 'bar' thread..

NC
23rd May 2005, 16:18
Two jumper cables walk into a bar

bartender sez "I'll serve you, just don't start anything."

MSTRS
23rd May 2005, 16:23
A man walks into a bar & sees the publican's dog licking itself. The man sez 'I wish I could do that'. The publican sez 'Give him a biscuit - he might let you'
Badaboom

bugjuice
23rd May 2005, 16:24
hey, this is an irish thread. go to the bar... (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=12340)

MSTRS
23rd May 2005, 16:32
hey, this is an irish thread. go to the bar... (http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=12340)
love to - your shout?

bugjuice
23rd May 2005, 16:46
love to - your shout?
AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
loud enough?

MSTRS
23rd May 2005, 16:49
..bastard..

NC
23rd May 2005, 17:14
..bastard..
wah wah

It's spanish for 'baby' heh :p

Storm
23rd May 2005, 21:15
From the great Billy T
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says " sorry, we dont serve rope in here"
Rope says " Pardon ? "
Barman : "we dont serve rope in here"
Rope then walks out, twists himself around a few times, and says to his mate lend us your comb. He then proceeds to comb his hair out into long strands.
He reenters the pub and says, "one beer please barman"
Barman says, I told you, we dont serve rope here. You're a rope aren't you?"
Rope replies " No, I'm a frayed knot "
:killingme :killingme :killingme :killingme

MSTRS
24th May 2005, 08:45
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head andsays,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


THERE'S MORE


The next minute, Seamus pulls up in his truck at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down ,Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to
plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says," And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"


IT IS NOT OVER YET:


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"