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Biff
19th May 2005, 22:02
Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every
night whether you're here or not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
Wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts
right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
On a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the
bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.

riffer
19th May 2005, 22:06
Ahhh marriage. It ain't a word - it's a sentence... :msn-wink:

Storm
19th May 2005, 22:28
Heard one from my boss today
Yound guy meets a wonderful woman, they date , everything is going well. He takes her out for dinner and during dessert goes down on one knee and proposes. She said no

He lived happily ever after

Sensei
19th May 2005, 22:43
Hubby comes home & tells his wife hes just won Lotto & she should pack her bags .Where are we going LA ,Rome , Paris ??? . Where not going any where your leaving . :whistle:

MSTRS
20th May 2005, 09:25
Typical 6'6" macho man married typical 5'3" good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it."
He then passed her his trousers & asked her to put them on. Of course they were waaay too big and she said so.
"That's right, I wear the pants in this relationship" he said.
So - wifey then passes him her tiny little silken knickers, asking him to put them on. Of course he can't get them past his knees and he says "I can't get into your knickers"
And she says - "And that's the way it'll stay until you change your attitude"

SPman
24th May 2005, 19:08
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!

Sniper
25th May 2005, 14:59
Hahaha, didnt you know marrige was a 3 ring circus?

Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

Yarg
25th May 2005, 15:32
marriage: The longest sentence is "I Do" :D

MSTRS
26th May 2005, 09:00
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- - silence - -

HUSBAND:
F**k

v.ros`
26th May 2005, 09:58
LOL nice one

MSTRS
26th May 2005, 13:18
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
The widow replied, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”

crazyhorse
15th December 2009, 08:04
MARRIAGE (PART I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules, any comments?”

His new bride said “No, that's fine with me, just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not”

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)


************************************************

crazyhorse
15th December 2009, 08:05
MARRIAGE (PART II)



Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

crazyhorse
15th December 2009, 08:06
MARRIAGE (PART III)



Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)


*****************************************

crazyhorse
15th December 2009, 08:06
Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

crazyhorse
15th December 2009, 08:07
THE SILENT TREATMENT



A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests! :rofl:

*****************************************

T.W.R
15th December 2009, 08:12
Nuptials

...........:shutup:

Zuki lover
15th December 2009, 11:41
OMG they are good :rofl:

crazyhorse
15th December 2009, 14:11
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."

crazyhorse
15th December 2009, 18:53
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

McJim
15th December 2009, 18:59
And the moral of all these jokes? Women are a lot cheaper to rent than to own.

mdnzz
17th December 2009, 02:48
wife looks lovingly at her husband and says, look dear here we are together again :)
husband replies fuck off bitch the deal was till death do us part, Im fucking single:argue:

crazyhorse
17th December 2009, 11:21
http://www.maineiac.com/marriage/wedding_vows_pic.jpg

DMCD
17th December 2009, 11:33
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every
night whether you're here or not."


Sounds like a fair deal.

crazyhorse
17th December 2009, 11:42
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

crazyhorse
17th December 2009, 11:44
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Tank
17th December 2009, 12:08
And the moral of all these jokes? Women are a lot cheaper to rent than to own.

Something Tiger Woods is working out right at this moment.

crazyhorse
17th December 2009, 13:35
Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.'

His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.'

So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.'

'Who?' splutters his Dad.

'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.

'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'You want to marry my mother? ................. You can't do that.'

'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'

crazyhorse
21st December 2009, 14:25
Rupert and Elaine, young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

Skyryder
21st December 2009, 18:01
Now there's a name I've not seen in a long time BIFF. Anyone know what happened to this guy??



Skyryder

crazyhorse
22nd December 2009, 08:07
'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.

'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.

'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.

'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'

So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'

'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'

StoneY
22nd December 2009, 08:12
When youe engaged/newly married you engage in "house sex'
Every room, every surface, and some you dont belive possible!

3rd year in, Bedroom Sex
Missionary/doggy twice a week, maybe even seconds on a Sunday

5th year in, Hall Sex
Lift a finger as you pass in the hallway and utter "fuck you'

crazyhorse
22nd December 2009, 08:15
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words...

... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

Skyryder
22nd December 2009, 19:32
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


The other side a marrage is bit like cooking a steak. At first it's all tender and sweet with the 'juices' running off the plate but forget about it and it gets over cooked and becomes tough and burnt. An old guy cooking a BBQ told me that one.


Skyryder

crazyhorse
7th January 2010, 05:36
The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

crazyhorse
7th January 2010, 05:37
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

crazyhorse
7th January 2010, 05:38
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife....
She directs him down the correct aisle..
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers,'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she..

crazyhorse
7th January 2010, 05:39
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

terbang
7th January 2010, 06:32
Q. What is a woman's arse hole doing as she's having an orgasm?

A. He's down the pub drinking beer with his mates...

crazyhorse
7th January 2010, 06:56
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

sosman
7th January 2010, 10:11
Breach of contract

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?" asked the lawyer.

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

sosman
7th January 2010, 10:18
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that. (You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).

2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard.

3. Place a copy of the June, 1999 Playboy open to Pamela Sue Anderson at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the picture for five minutes, or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions:

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and don't be afraid to use it.

5. Do not turn around suddenly and slap the monitor.



Test Results Diagnosis:

If you *score* a "1" -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome.

If you *score* "12367" -- You have a strange gap in your penis.

If you *score* "12efgbn" -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called a hook.

If you *score* "12wgui,l=]\" -- Seek immediate medical care.

sosman
7th January 2010, 10:27
1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.

13. Silence. Should you be worried?

14. You definitely should be worried, and you would be, if you weren't falling asleep.

15. You're jolted awake by your partner's fingers poking you in the ribs. Hard.

16. Apparently the sex is not over. While you are so exhausted that staying conscious seems like a miraculous physical feat, your partner is even more energetic and enthusiastic than before. Okay...batter up.

17. Wow. Partner definitely had orgasm. Make a mental note to remember the signs so you'll recognize them next time.

18. Finally, you can go to sleep. Can't you? No, you cannot. Seems partner actually has the impulse to talk.

19. Murmur at appropriate intervals. Hold partner close. Feel peaceful and content and loving and safe.

20. When partner's body finally relaxes against yours and you hear soft snores against your shoulder, pick up remote and turn on TV. Flip channels. Wait a minute, what was that? Bare thigh. Close-up of a kiss. No longer feel on the brink of blissful oblivion. In fact, feel instant and overwhelming desire for...sex.

21. Contemplate sleeping partner. Contemplate waking partner. Fantasize possibilities. Calculate probabilities. Keep on flipping.

crazyhorse
7th January 2010, 10:50
Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?'

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, ' What are your requirements, please?'

'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.'

crazyhorse
1st February 2010, 09:43
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner,Batman?"

crazyhorse
23rd February 2010, 12:37
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"