Riff Raff
14th June 2005, 09:13
Who hasn't tried all kinds of diets, from banana diets to red meat
diets, with no positive results? Here follows an excellent 4 day diet developed
and tested by thousands of two year olds. And most two year olds are healthy and slim, right? Here's the recipe for success, and it even works on adults!
Day 1
Breakfast:
A fried egg, a slice of bread with jam. Eat two bits of the egg with your fingers, then throw the rest on the floor. Have one bite of the bread,
then smear the jam all over your fingers and face.
Lunch:
Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato chips and a glass of
milk. (Only three mouthfuls, spill the rest.)
Dinner:
One dry stick, two ten cent coins, 4 mouthfuls of flat Sprite.
Supper:
Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Day 2
Breakfast:
Pick up the bread thrown on the floor last night and eat it. Drink half
a bottle of vanilla essence and a small bottle of green food colouring.
Lunch:
Half a "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful dog biscuits. (any brand)
An ice cube if desired.
Afternoon tea:
Lick a lollipop until it's sticky, take it outside and drop it in the mud. Pick it up again and lick it clean. Then take it inside and drop it on the carpet.
Dinner:
A marble or a raw bean stuffed up left nostril. Pour apple juice over your
mashed potatoes and eat with a spoon.
Day 3
Breakfast:
Two pancakes with lots of syrup, eat one with your fingers, wipe them in your hair. One glass of milk to stuff the other pancake in. After breakfast,
pick up the lollipop from yesterday (from the carpet), lick off dust and hair and put it on the best armchair.
Lunch:
Three matches, some peanut butter and a piece of toast with jam. Spit lots of it on the floor. Empty a glass of milk on the table and lap it up with your tongue.
Dinner:
A bowl of ice cream, a handful of potato chips and some grapefruit juice.
Try pouring some juice out your nostrils.
Day 4 (final day)
Breakfast:
A quarter of a tube of toothpaste (Preferably Colgate, but any brand can
be used), a bit of soap and an olive. Pour a glass of milk in a bowl of
cornflakes and empty half a cup of sugar on top. When the cornflakes are
soggy, drink the milk and give the rest to the dog.
Lunch:
Eat breadcrumbs off the kitchen floor and lounge carpet. Find the
lollipop and eat it.
Dinner:
Drop spaghetti on the dog's back, stuff a meatball in its ear. Empty
jelly in your apple juice and suck through a straw.
Repeat diet if necessary. Good luck!
diets, with no positive results? Here follows an excellent 4 day diet developed
and tested by thousands of two year olds. And most two year olds are healthy and slim, right? Here's the recipe for success, and it even works on adults!
Day 1
Breakfast:
A fried egg, a slice of bread with jam. Eat two bits of the egg with your fingers, then throw the rest on the floor. Have one bite of the bread,
then smear the jam all over your fingers and face.
Lunch:
Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato chips and a glass of
milk. (Only three mouthfuls, spill the rest.)
Dinner:
One dry stick, two ten cent coins, 4 mouthfuls of flat Sprite.
Supper:
Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Day 2
Breakfast:
Pick up the bread thrown on the floor last night and eat it. Drink half
a bottle of vanilla essence and a small bottle of green food colouring.
Lunch:
Half a "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful dog biscuits. (any brand)
An ice cube if desired.
Afternoon tea:
Lick a lollipop until it's sticky, take it outside and drop it in the mud. Pick it up again and lick it clean. Then take it inside and drop it on the carpet.
Dinner:
A marble or a raw bean stuffed up left nostril. Pour apple juice over your
mashed potatoes and eat with a spoon.
Day 3
Breakfast:
Two pancakes with lots of syrup, eat one with your fingers, wipe them in your hair. One glass of milk to stuff the other pancake in. After breakfast,
pick up the lollipop from yesterday (from the carpet), lick off dust and hair and put it on the best armchair.
Lunch:
Three matches, some peanut butter and a piece of toast with jam. Spit lots of it on the floor. Empty a glass of milk on the table and lap it up with your tongue.
Dinner:
A bowl of ice cream, a handful of potato chips and some grapefruit juice.
Try pouring some juice out your nostrils.
Day 4 (final day)
Breakfast:
A quarter of a tube of toothpaste (Preferably Colgate, but any brand can
be used), a bit of soap and an olive. Pour a glass of milk in a bowl of
cornflakes and empty half a cup of sugar on top. When the cornflakes are
soggy, drink the milk and give the rest to the dog.
Lunch:
Eat breadcrumbs off the kitchen floor and lounge carpet. Find the
lollipop and eat it.
Dinner:
Drop spaghetti on the dog's back, stuff a meatball in its ear. Empty
jelly in your apple juice and suck through a straw.
Repeat diet if necessary. Good luck!