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archie-no2
13th December 2010, 16:15
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

http://www.onelinerz.net/runners-up-top-100-funny-one-liners/2/
SMOKEU
13th December 2010, 16:49
Why does a wise guy and a wise man have opposite meanings from eachother?
Spazman727
15th December 2010, 20:13
On the same note, why does fat chance and slim chance have the same meaning?
nothingflash
15th December 2010, 20:20
Why do we have grapefruit when we already have grapes?
warewolf
15th December 2010, 20:31
Why is your best mate a good bastard, and your worst enemy a right bastard?
Spazman727
16th December 2010, 12:52
Why do we have grapefruit when we already have grapes?

And they're both fruit.
george formby
16th December 2010, 13:19
Atheism, a non prophet religion...
Laava
16th December 2010, 16:33
My teachers at school said I could do better. They were wrong, I couldn't!
nothingflash
16th December 2010, 19:38
My teachers at school said I could do better. They were wrong, I couldn't!

My teachers said I was easily mislead by my peers. On the contrary I was quite easily lead by them.
dogsnbikes
16th December 2010, 20:10
Cowboyz "it takes me 16 minutes to do a 12 minute race":facepalm:
jim.cox
17th December 2010, 12:11
"if it has tits or wheels it will give you trouble in the end"
Usarka
17th December 2010, 13:55
I have lots of willpower, however I'm seriously lacking in won't power.
jim.cox
17th December 2010, 14:11
Live To Ride - Ride To Work
Usarka
17th December 2010, 14:30
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
jim.cox
17th December 2010, 14:50
"if it flies, floats or fucks, you're better off renting it"
EJK
17th December 2010, 14:59
Why does 'flammable' and 'inflammable' mean the same thing?
munster
17th December 2010, 15:57
Dad said never lend the 3 M's - Money, Motorcar & ya Misses

He also said "Be Good, and if you can't be good be careful, and if you can't be careful, don't give her your name'

I love my Dad.
LBD
17th December 2010, 16:21
My Dad said buying quality is like buying Oats

New oats you will need to pay for....oats that have already been through the horse....?

Well you can get that a little cheaper.