Dealing with "it"

[FROSTY]

Hey guys I know it ain't the stuff that manly blokes talk about but I'm just not dealing with this real well.
I've buried a lot of mates over the years and usually I retreat into myself and wear the plastic smiley face facade for awhile.
I wait untill l all emotion about the person is well and truely boxed up in its own little compartment.
I guess it's called HTFU. But ya know that bites me on the ass pretty darned hard. Usuually when I least expect it.
So how do "real men" actually deal with it when a mate unexpectedly dies?

[MSTRS]

Real men cry, mate.
It is NOT 'weak' to show emotions. Do you let people see/hear when you are angry? Yes?
What's the difference.

[cowboyz]

you deal with it the best way you can. Try to remember the good things and TALK. Process and then move on and be thankful for the time you had.

[scumdog]

Mainly shrug my shoulders.

And have another drink.

[marie_speeds]

Just talking about stuff helps... Like what you are doing now. Everyone deals with grief and loss in their own way... Deal with yours how you want to and how you feel is right for you and not how you think society thinks you should behave.

[AllanB]

Go for a fast ride.

Fucked if I know mate - we are conditioned in NZ not to discuss this shit.

The Maoris have a good way of remembering and celebrating ones life that goes on for several days - unlike the 45 minute service and cup-o-T that is the norm for the rest.

[Spearfish]

at least 10 characters.

[MSTRS]

Give it time Frosty

That's half the problem.
Time IS a great healer, but unless the emotion is dealt with appropriately, time only provides eventual relief via 'out of sight, out of mind'. Add cumulative losses, and there's not enough time. Each loss brings back memories of the ones that went before, and weren't really dealt with.

[ellipsis]

...its fairly true that we generally can count our true friends on the fingers of one hand, maybe a couple more if you are lucky...losing four of mine over a 7 year period
has made me very aware of the couple left and more appreciative of the time I can be with them...time does settle the waters of life...doesnt take the tides away ,tho...I have had a couple of really good nights in my shed when we have all been there...even down to laughing and swearing at each other...I haven't punched the wall in anger for a long while and my girl doesn't make a big thing of it when I do get quiet and introspective and salty water leaks out of the head...I ride a departed mates bike...we go fast together..cackle a lot and still break the rules...it has made me pretty scathing of cocksucks, wannabes and hangers-on tho...and very aware of how close we all are to the other side of life...time takes and time heals Frosty... and now my knees are wet...rock on and smile knowing that you are lucky enough to have known them...

[scissorhands]

Sounds as if your already dealing with it writing here. Does raise a lot of questions when the numbers get up.... Hope becomes the antidote for despair, but to have hope, conditions have to be conducive.

Living in a ghetto would be hope poor or hopeless, and would require a shift to become hopeful.

Sorry to hear of the loss of a mate. Makes you wish you had been more generous, done more, when they are gone

[superman]

Whatever you do mate don't go and exercise. That guy's a bloody lier, made me feel sooo much worse.

Best thing is thinking over the memories you've had, as you are doing. Things like that never go away, but you always have the memories. Eventually with time it goes down to a point where you can cope, it's just getting to that point which sucks but there's no way to avoid it.

[ducatilover]

Cup of tea and a tug.

i usually find a nice plump chest to rest/cry on, talk to other mates, ride the bike and drink (Not the best idea, especially coming from a psych and rehab student :innocent: )

[spajohn]

In most cases where it has been friends my other mates and I have all been able to get together and have a good session telling stories about our departed and generally laughing thinking about the good times. Last year a mate passed away from cancer, just before his 40th, and friends put together a tribute on Youtube from photos which I can't help but look at from time to time. Mostly we talk about how we feel and try our best not to forget.

As the others say there is nothing to be ashamed about having a cry...whether with mates or on your own, just do what comes naturally to you.

[tigertim20]

Hey guys I know it ain't the stuff that manly blokes talk about but I'm just not dealing with this real well.
I've buried a lot of mates over the years and usually I retreat into myself and wear the plastic smiley face facade for awhile.
I wait untill l all emotion about the person is well and truely boxed up in its own little compartment.
I guess it's called HTFU. But ya know that bites me on the ass pretty darned hard. Usuually when I least expect it.
So how do "real men" actually deal with it when a mate unexpectedly dies?

Takes more balls to cry in front of a mate than it takes to put it away. Ive been there too many times myself. cry, laugh, remember the dumb/funny/stupid shit you and that mate did, but do it with other people around. And its definitely OK to let your kids see you cry, its important for them to understand that emotions are normal, and its ok to be honest about whats going in inside your head and in your heart.
I usualy take a few days off work, and just let it hit me, while making sure I have support. If any of your 'mates' aren prepared to sit around and be there for you, they arent a mate at all. Reach out to a friend you can rely on. Youd be surprised at how much some of your friends will step up if youre honest about it all.

[jim.cox]

So how do "real men" actually deal with it when a mate unexpectedly dies?

Dont have any mates in the first place ?

[shrub]

Real men cry, mate.
It is NOT 'weak' to show emotions. Do you let people see/hear when you are angry? Yes?
What's the difference.

Fuck yes. Many years ago I thought crying was weak, and I went through a pretty hideous marriage breakup that left me ripped open and bloody. I was visiting a good mate who is probably one of the hardest bastards I have ever known - ex pom SAS did 2 tours in Northern Ireland in the 80s, then worked in "security" in West Africa for a couple of years, and he said "have you cried?". Wanting to be seen as a hard bastard too I put on my staunch face and replied "fuck no". His answer was "that's half your problem. I'd be a blubbering mess if I was where you are, crying is the best therapy possible".

It took time and whisky, but I learned to cry and it was what I needed. Today I have no shame in crying if it's appropriate and believe it's as healthy and normal as laughing when you're happy or shouting when you're angry. It allows you to experience the grief in it's entirety and then to release it from you so you can move on. And it's kind of a mark of respect for your mate - you're saying "your loss has hit me hard and I am willing to cry for you because you were important to me".

[scumdog]

And it's kind of a mark of respect for your mate - you're saying "your loss has hit me hard and I am willing to cry for you because you were important to me".

Only inside your own head.

Your mate won't know of your thoughts.

But whatever helps, grief is an individual thing, we all 'handle' it in our own ways.

[racefactory]

Only inside your own head.

Your mate won't know of your thoughts.

But whatever helps, grief is an individual thing, we all 'handle' it in our own ways.

Oh come on hard man, you know what he means.

[shrub]

Oh come on hard man, you know what he means.

Nah, he's a traffic cop, he has no idea what I'm talking about.

[FROSTY]

That's half the problem.
Time IS a great healer, but unless the emotion is dealt with appropriately, time only provides eventual relief via 'out of sight, out of mind'. Add cumulative losses, and there's not enough time. Each loss brings back memories of the ones that went before, and weren't really dealt with.
I think you've pretty well nailed where I'm at mate.The skin seems to get thinner and thinner as time goes by.
And mon showing emotions. Crying isn't something I seem to be able to do. Wish I could.

[george formby]

The last time I was moved enough to cry I did. Grabbed a semi stranger & had a good weep on their shoulder. Part of me said suppress it & part of me said I needed to let it out, so I did. I felt much better once I had wiped the tears & mucus away. My head was much clearer to think about what had happened & come to terms with it when I was no longer an emotional volcano.

We have to grieve in our own way, not how we perceive others think we should. You cannot be a complete person if do not express your full range of emotion.

[FROSTY]

Dont have any mates in the first place ?
As sarcastic as that sounds I'm kinda thinking that myself.
Dunno how the diggers in WW1 or WW2 coped.
Of for gosh sakes the freinds n families of hundreds in Christchurch and thousands in Japan.

[EJK]

I don't want to step out of the line or anything, but would like to share this (or to anyone).
http://www.appleseeds.org/miss_me.htm

I remember reading it from somewhere and thought might help?

[MSTRS]

I think you've pretty well nailed where I'm at mate.The skin seems to get thinner and thinner as time goes by.
And mon showing emotions. Crying isn't something I seem to be able to do. Wish I could.

Of course you can. If you're feeling the grief and desperate sadness inside, you can cry. You're just so practised at bottling it inside...you might need to have someone with you to help. Could be a friend, could be a total stranger. Depends. Some feel more 'comfortable' with a close friend who knows you well and you trust not to belittle you. Others prefer the stranger option...someone that isn't important to you, so ity doesn't matter to you that they see you being vulnerable.

[wysper]

And it's kind of a mark of respect for your mate - you're saying "your loss has hit me hard and I am willing to cry for you because you were important to me".

I like this.

I also like the 'celebrate their lives and what you did have' type comments too.

Along the lines of "dont cry for what you have lost, smile for what you have had"
At least the sentiment of that thought.

[avgas]

Multiple ways frost.
Sometimes you breakdown or snap.
I have been known to vent it all into a punching bag before, until my knuckles bled and you could see bone.
There is no magic answer. But the key is to get it out.
The stuff is heavier than anything. And weighs you down. I know many people whom have never moved forward in their lives due to trying to hold their sadness inside.

Just remember, inside a helmet at 200kph.....no one can hear you scream.

[FROSTY]

Of course you can. If you're feeling the grief and desperate sadness inside, you can cry. You're just so practised at bottling it inside...you might need to have someone with you to help. Could be a friend, could be a total stranger. Depends. Some feel more 'comfortable' with a close friend who knows you well and you trust not to belittle you. Others prefer the stranger option...someone that isn't important to you, so ity doesn't matter to you that they see you being vulnerable.
Mate--you know me about as well as anyone not in my family. I really can't cry.

[cowboyz]

Mate--you know me about as well as anyone not in my family. I really can't cry.

you dont have to cry. what you do have to do is not put yourself in a position where you feel like you have to defend yourself for not crying or feeling bad about not. What I think you need is simply to feel. Allow yourself to feel whatever you want to and give yourself permission to. If that means you cry then thats fine... but if it means you dont then thats ok too.

[Spearfish]

at least 10 characters.

[jim.cox]

, maybe a mutual friend of the mate you lost is a good way to start.

Or just splurge all over an internet forum... :)

[MSTRS]

Mate--you know me about as well as anyone not in my family. I really can't cry.

Haven't got the tear ducts? Or some other physical reason?
Or is it that you just aren't hurting enough inside?

Because anything else is just a symptom of being too well practised at putting on the hardman face...

[Paul in NZ]

Tony dont sweat it mate. Look - being painfully honest man you definately march to the beat of your own drum mate, its one of the things I like about you BUT that, combined with your bonks on da head might mean that some of your emotional processing works a little different than some others.

Cryings great but not crying DONT mean you dont care, you just process it differently.

Its a big world mate and we are all different creatures despite being all the same. We all grieve and we all hurt. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said, "Well has it been said that there is no grief like the grief which does not speak."

Feel your pain, sorry for your loss...

[Gremlin]

I'd say, do whatever the hell you want to do, that makes you feel a bit better about losing them (with the exception of turning to drink etc).

Remember what you got up to, with them, with common mates, just think about them internally, whatever you like.

Me? I be lucky. Quite unemotional and not dramatically phased by it (hardest part is actually watching others get really cut up about it, parents of a child, that sort of thing). I mean, its a bugger they are not around, as we got up to some fantastic things, etc. Otherwise... uh... you move on, find some more friends, rinse and repeat the great adventures.

At one point, I actually had to think... shit, I've run out of biking friends. They're either dead or given up riding. Then I found some more, and had more fun. :woohoo:

[specter]

ive just finished a course pertaining to the grieving process for work, and the main point to bring from it is show your emotion, find some good friends who knew this person and crack some beers and chat about the good times and the bad...

men who do not grieve are not "men" or good friends, to show grief is to show you cared about this person.

only time, emotion and talking will ease your pain..

[Mom]

So how do "real men" actually deal with it when a mate unexpectedly dies?

They cry, in the comfort of their loved ones arms. They get on with things and dont dwell. They excuse themselves and HOWL when they have to. They ask for help :yes:

They get on with things, with whatever support they need.

Not sure about real men, but that is how us mere girls cope :yes:

[scissorhands]

Being autistic, I dont show emotion much either, no biggie

Surfers lose a few soldiers, not as many as bikers. Musicians lose quite a few. Hard drugs, riding hard and booze will do you in

[scumdog]

Nah, he's a traffic cop, he has no idea what I'm talking about.

Wotchoo talkin' 'bout Willis??

[davebullet]

Get someone close that you trust and tell them how you feel. Pour it out. You are bound to cry doing so. Be honest and spill it all. The sadness, the anger, the rejection, the guilt whatever comes through your mind.

Then go have a big sleep. It's emotionally draining.

[Oblivion]

Get someone close that you trust and tell them how you feel. Pour it out. You are bound to cry doing so. Be honest and spill it all. The sadness, the anger, the rejection, the guilt whatever comes through your mind.

Then go have a big sleep. It's emotionally draining.

It is. Just had some stuff happen within my family that I really didn't need to put up with. I just let it all out. No-one will think of you any less for doing so.

Hell, while writing this I'm partly falling asleep.

[FROSTY]

men who do not grieve are not "men" or good friends, to show grief is to show you cared about this person.
AND THAT good sir is it in a nutshell.On the outside all is normal The mask is on,The staff and family have the boss/dad same as normal -life goes on.Inside all the "normal" shit in life is extra hard.

[Ratti]

AND THAT good sir is it in a nutshell.On the outside all is normal The mask is on,The staff and family have the boss/dad same as normal -life goes on.Inside all the "normal" shit in life is extra hard.

You got it buddy. LIFE GOES ON
Hell Tony, we've known each other for how long??? 25 years dude, that's how bloody long. we both know some of the severe emotional shite the other has lived through. Guess what? Emotional shite IS normal. The stuff going on in your head is ok. Life carrying on as normal is ok. It's what humans do.

Best advice I can suggest is find mutual friends and remember our departed buddies,honour them and honour ourselves by continuing to do ordinary stuff. It's called living.

Hey, call or text me if we share a friend you want to talk about.

[ellipsis]

...an hour after I heard a good ole mate got lost on a west coast bar on his way in, I stopped for an hour on a big hill on my way home and screamed into a big southerly, drunk rum, smoked cigarettes and threw rocks at sheep...it worked well too...like scummy says tho...it only works for you, they are outta here...

[ynot slow]

Why worry about crying,it's not important,as long as you get a grip on the emotions,maybe having a talk to someone etc.Talking about your grief can be done and could be as theraputic as a good bawl.

I was 24 at my pops funeral,went and saw him in funeral home,gave nan a hug and kiss etc,no tears,as eldest grandchild and having 5 sons/son inlaw I made the 6 pall bearers,no tears,my cousins gave a eulogy and she was upset,wasn't till my cousin who is 4 days younger than me said "cuzz I'm proud of you" and that did it lol.My nana died 4 yrs later,she had her grandkids pall bearers,all of us were blubbering messes leaving the church,mainly due to a cousin crying,was a chain reaction.

I guess the best thing is remember the fun and crap times together,relish you're alive with family and friends.

[XxKiTtiExX]

How do you deal with losing anyone? Friends, family, offspring? By not being to afraid to cry perhaps? I've found opening up to very close friends helps a lot, but in regards to certain losses I feel these friends would lack understanding, so there it can become difficult. In my own situation I've found that reminding myself of the fact that the person/s who have passed would not want to see me struggling to cope with losing them, and that they wouldn't want to see me stuck in a rut (everything that I do on a daily basis I do knowing that it would make them proud). And also by believing that I am showing a certain person how much they are/would have been loved through my love for my son (if that makes sense).

(Females input I know).

[MSTRS]

I'm beginning to think that Frosty is talking about how not being able to deal with a long succession of losses is becoming a problem, in that he is finding it increasingly difficult to go on in everyday life without the accumulation of grief affecting his every thought?
If so, this is something 'more serious' - because he may be approaching that state known as clinical depression.
I hope I am wrong, but if not, then mate, you need to get more help than can be offered on here.

[Smifffy]

One thing I have seen others do with some success is to sit down quietly and write a letter to the departed person.

Telling them how you feel, reminding them of the times you had and your strongest memories of them etc. What you plan to do now, and acknowledge that your life will go on. Take some time over it, and it helps you to get your feelings sorted out and organised. Keep at it and don't worry if some of the ink ends up running a little.



Sometimes a piss up with the rest of the boys can leave you feeling hungover and more guilty that you have buried the grief further.