This I have learned

[tigertim20]

thought maybe there should be a thread for the funny/dumb/stupid shit we have done and learned from on bikes. thought it could be a good laugh so I'll start.

On a multi day ride, avoid, at all costs, foods like curry for dinner. Especially on the night before a 3 day ride. Oh, it tastes great at the time doesnt it? but then the next day after you poo, you get curry bum, that stingy ringy sphincter that burns, and gets worse as you spend ten hours a day sweating on it,and it feels like its going to tear. Only on the third day will the discomfort begin to subside.:sweatdrop


Your turn!!:yes:

[nzspokes]

thought maybe there should be a thread for the funny/dumb/stupid shit we have done and learned from on bikes. thought it could be a good laugh so I'll start.

On a multi day ride, avoid, at all costs, foods like curry for dinner. Especially on the night before a 3 day ride. Oh, it tastes great at the time doesnt it? but then the next day after you poo, you get curry bum, that stingy ringy sphincter that burns, and gets worse as you spend ten hours a day sweating on it,and it feels like its going to tear. Only on the third day will the discomfort begin to subside.:sweatdrop


Your turn!!:yes:

You have hemroids. :laugh:

You may want to see a doctor about that.

[FJRider]

The forecast says .... heavy rain can be expected ... but you think ... nah ... I was doing a similar ride the same time LAST year ... :yawn: :yes: :Oops:

[Oakie]

If you happen to ride with an unattached sheepskin on your seat, do not lift your arse off the seat to fart.

We did a bit of a long trip a while ago, each on our own bikes. Having a thin seat on the old CB400 I cut up a sheepskin and rode with it on the seat and just tucked in at the back of the seat to improve the comfort. Worked well enough. Just coming back into Christchurch and I felt the need to pass a few cubic metres of flatus (that, to the uneducated is 'a big fart'). Anyway, I half stood on the footpegs and let rip. Trouble was that the wind (possibly mine) lifted the sheepskin which then slid down the side of the seat and into the chain which caused it's prompt shredding and did a pretty good job of stopping the rear wheel rotating. A pretty exciting few seconds of frantic bike control ensued before coming to a stop. Then had to extract the remnants of shrek from the chain and do a major chain adjustment at the side of the road.

Bit of a laugh really but it is sobering to think that I could have been killed because of a fart. Those who know me however would say that probably would have been appropriate.

[\m/]

Did you crap in your leathers?

[tigertim20]

If you happen to ride with an unattached sheepskin on your seat, do not lift your arse off the seat to fart.

We did a bit of a long trip a while ago, each on our own bikes. Having a thin seat on the old CB400 I cut up a sheepskin and rode with it on the seat and just tucked in at the back or the seat to improve the comfort. Worked well enough. Just coming back into Christchurch and I felt the need to pass a few cubic metres of flatus (that, to the uneducated is 'a big fart'). Anyway, I half stood on the footpegs and let rip. Trouble was that the wind (possibly mine) lifted the sheepskin which then slid down the side of the seat and into the chain which caused it's prompt shredding and did a pretty good job of stopping the rear wheel rotating. A pretty exciting few seconds of frantic bike control ensued before coming to a stop. Then had to extract the remnants of shrek from the chain and do a major chain adjustment at the side of the road.

Bit of a laugh really but it is sobering to think that I could have been killed because of a fart. Those who know me however would say that probably would have been appropriate.

Mte, thats fuckin awesome!! Im cracking up!!

[YellowDog]

On a multi day ride, avoid, at all costs, foods like curry for dinner. Especially on the night before a 3 day ride.....

Toilet paper in the fridge usually saves the day :yes:

I'm guilty of the NOT being prepared for heavy rain thing..........

[Taz]

If in doubt - power out. It may not save you but will make it spectacular for anyone watching.

[tigertim20]

Toilet paper in the fridge usually saves the day :yes:

I'm guilty of the NOT being prepared for heavy rain thing..........

I dunno if youre fucking with me, but Im gonna try that . . .

[hayd3n]

gravel is not you friend on a road bike
Expect the unexpected
the devils staircase, is just that
high kms just means its been loved more than the low km ones :thumb: :thumb:

[mrchips]

If you happen to ride with an unattached sheepskin on your seat, do not lift your arse off the seat to fart.

We did a bit of a long trip a while ago, each on our own bikes. Having a thin seat on the old CB400 I cut up a sheepskin and rode with it on the seat and just tucked in at the back of the seat to improve the comfort. Worked well enough. Just coming back into Christchurch and I felt the need to pass a few cubic metres of flatus (that, to the uneducated is 'a big fart'). Anyway, I half stood on the footpegs and let rip. Trouble was that the wind (possibly mine) lifted the sheepskin which then slid down the side of the seat and into the chain which caused it's prompt shredding and did a pretty good job of stopping the rear wheel rotating. A pretty exciting few seconds of frantic bike control ensued before coming to a stop. Then had to extract the remnants of shrek from the chain and do a major chain adjustment at the side of the road.

Bit of a laugh really but it is sobering to think that I could have been killed because of a fart. Those who know me however would say that probably would have been appropriate.

ha, ha...... shit that's epic !

[toycollector10]

On a group ride be prepared to be undertaken by one of your mates. Keep checking your rear vision mirrors....Such a bad thing to do.

[ac3_snow]

I learnt to double check all bolts, especially the important ones attached to brakes and stuff.:stupid: Had one caliper come off half way through the Albany/Riverhead road, all good though, fortunately I had two so rode home carefully with the loose one tied to the bars.

[ducatilover]

Pulled number plate dragging wheelies with no rear brake.

Guess what happened?
Learned a wee bit from that one (number plate was too close to the ground...)

[Gremlin]

Avoid doing off-road stuff you don't know by yourself with a heavily laden bike. She's a right bitch to pick up, and there's no-one around to help (and unless you want to walk a long way, you HAVE to pick it up).

[Hopeful Bastard]

Do NOT, Under any circumstances turn hard right, lean the bike over AND pull on the front brake at the same time on freshly cut, wet grass. :Oops:

[LBD]

Do NOT, Under any circumstances turn hard right, lean the bike over AND pull on the front brake at the same time on freshly cut, wet grass. :Oops:

Lets try that again with ABS and Traction Control....

Best lesson I learnt was with my new XT500 and a flat rear tire....500m home....better hop off and push to save the tire...slightly up hill.

50 m later and Bugrit....Started it up, put it in 1st gear and walked along beside it.

All was well till I tripped and lost balance. Not wanting to drop the bike I held on and.....twisted the throttle. Up shen went and down she came in a screaming heap. I did not get out of the way quick enough ending up bent battered bruised and bleeding on the coarse seal.

Picked myself and bike up with the usual levers and mirror damage. Started it up and rode home.

[insomnia01]

When on tour & you stop for a refreshment break remember to CLOSE ALL BAGS YOU HAVE OPENED !! :facepalm:

Once when I was going to band camp I stopped at a rest area for a quick break, had a drink, blew me trumpet then shot off, 10min down the road I was getting a funny feeling like something isn't right :scratch: THUD !!! RATTLE ,THUD AGAIN " What the F%#@in HEll !!! look in me mirror, HOLY SHIT I had left the top of me packs ( Ventura type 2 bags zipped together ) open & half of me gear had blown out , was all over the road & the traffic that was following me had to take evasive action :eek5::eek5: to avoid running anything over but no one could.....when I was collecting all me gear off the road (in between laughing motorists) I had a mature lady come up to me & say " I found these on me wind screen " when she kindly presented me with my collection of Y fronts & other unwashed gear, we looked at each other then cracked up laughing :sweatdrop:rofl:

[Oakie]

Do NOT, Under any circumstances turn hard right, lean the bike over AND pull on the front brake at the same time on freshly cut, wet grass. :Oops:

Been there.

[SVboy]

Hmmm doubt that puddle in that wheel rut is more than a few cm deep-SPLASH!! More like a Meter deep! 30 min of backbreaking mud paddling and the wee xr was saved!

[Icemaestro]

Always check front tire pressure before riding: Not when 5 metres down the road with cars behind you feeling the front vibration (it was a single, so should be vibrating a bit anyway) increasing!

Also, when one checks the oil before going for a ride, always remember to screw the dipstick back in hard or one may find that 100m down the road the front brakes have a slippery substance on them and don't feel like doing their job.

Also, remembering that gravel is not quite as torque/leaning friendly as normal road. That is all. :yes:

[Edbear]

When entering a mate's workshop on your shiny new cruiser to show off, and after blipping the throttle and shutting down, do remember to put the sidestand down before attempting to step off the bike... DAMHIK :Oops:

[jim.cox]

money spent on good sticky tyres is not wasted...

[slofox]

, blew me trumpet then shot off,

You must have a very flexible back...:whistle:

[The Singing Chef]

I stopped at a rest area for a quick break, blew me trumpet then shot off

What, in the middle of the rest area? i hope you at least went behind a bush?! There could have been kids around FFS!! :eek5::tugger:

[baffa]

I've learnt that being able to turn the reserve tank on whilst riding is a handy skill. It saves you putting out on the harbour bridge and having to try do it then with a cellphone light and cars whistling past.

I've learnt that tarsnakes are not your friends. Infact, I feel I have worse grip on them than painted lines.

I've also learned I am the world's best rider, and invincible, seeing as I havent had any accidents yet :whistle:

[yod]

If pootling out in the back roads by yourself (Route 52), after stopping for a quick photo op, remember to zip the pocket of your ventura pack back up after putting the camera back in.

35kms later a sinking feeling suddenly came over me, sure enough, camera was nowhere to be found. I thought fuck this for a game of soldiers, I have to try and find it so rode back the way I had come....

....and found it!

and it still works, although it's a bit dinged up....

[george formby]

Avoid doing off-road stuff you don't know by yourself with a heavily laden bike. She's a right bitch to pick up, and there's no-one around to help (and unless you want to walk a long way, you HAVE to pick it up).

Where you channeling me last Monday? Eerie.

Well, always remove your disc lock before you let a prospective purchaser test ride your bike.

If touring in Scotland DO NOT open your visor if you are in a swarm of midges, they will fly in & stay their for the rest of your holiday.

If you smoke do not be tempted to drill a hole in the front of your helmet so you can puff on a long ride. Cigarettes burn down in seconds & if you smoke a cigar the glowing red tip will be blown into your helmet & get stuck behind your ear making you an instant Lauda impersonator.

Make sure you can remove your foot from the footrest BEFORE you stop, fasteners on the bottom of your pants can get caught on the footrest..:pinch:

Take the keys out of your pocket before you put your gloves on.

When changing the oil in your bike, don't pour the whole bottle in straight away, check the level & top up. Also replace sump bolt BEFORE said fill..:bash:

[Zedder]

Never trust that petrol station employees will have cleaned up the oily patch on the forecourt area where you ride in, park, then slip over at.

[Road kill]

Nothing,not a thing.
Ask my Mrs,she often tells me "You never fucking learn do you?"
I just say "yes dear" an go back to doing what ever it was I was doing wrong.
So I guess I did learn something,,,I'm never right,,so I don't argue.:nono:

[Oakie]

Make sure you can remove your foot from the footrest BEFORE you stop, fasteners on the bottom of your pants can get caught on the footrest..:pinch:

And shoe/boot laces can get looped around the gear-lever...

[tigertim20]

this one is from about 13 years ago when I started out on my mudbug.

I learned that while you put oil in with the petrolin the petrol tank on a 2 stroke, a 2 stroke also has a gearbox that needs oil too. seized it three times before ifigured that one out:sweatdrop

[Gearup]

Nothing,not a thing.
Ask my Mrs,she often tells me "You never fucking learn do you?"
I just say "yes dear" an go back to doing what ever it was I was doing wrong.
So I guess I did learn something,,,I'm never right,,so I don't argue.:nono:

Snap! I've got one of those too.

[martybabe]

When using throw over panniers do not rely on the bride's wobble bottom to keep them in situ.

If a bike, with panniers fitted, will not fit through your gate on the outward journey there is an excellent chance that it will still not fit through your gate on the return journey.

Kicking a recalcitrant XS500 off it's stand will in fact not make the Engine start nor make the bike think about it's behaviour.

These things I have learnt...along with quite literally hundreds more :facepalm:

[Daffyd]

When you check tyre pressures before a ride and find they're down a bit. Spend 5 minutes with the trusty old foot pump, recheck and the pressure's down even further.
Chances are the pump is f**ked. Has now been donated to the local land reclamation fund.

[FJRider]

this one is from about 13 years ago when I started out on my mudbug.

I learned that while you put oil in with the petrolin the petrol tank on a 2 stroke, a 2 stroke also has a gearbox that needs oil too. seized it three times before ifigured that one out:sweatdrop

THREE times ... :eek5:


a slow learner huh ... :yawn:

[HenryDorsetCase]

when you take your front wheel off to change a tyre, make careful note of which side gets the short spacer and which the long. Otherwise when you (somehow) manage to get the thing together (thinking "fuck, that didnt go together as easily as it came apart") a) your brakes won't work, and b) you will think your frame is bent because the wheels dont line up.

DAMHIK

[HenryDorsetCase]

When you check tyre pressures before a ride and find they're down a bit. Spend 5 minutes with the trusty old foot pump, recheck and the pressure's down even further.
Chances are the pump is f**ked. Has now been donated to the local land reclamation fund.

You've done yourself a favour and bought a pushbike trackpump, right?

[Daffyd]

You've done yourself a favour and bought a pushbike trackpump, right?

Nah, I'm only 500m from a petrol staion with a compressor.

[varminter]

Don't stop on a corner with a drain at the edge thereby accentuating the camber. Unless you have longer legs than mine. Never mind, the wife always helps to pick it up, I knew she's there for a reason.:yes:

[FJRider]

If your bike is fitted with a cut-out switch on your kick-stand ... REMEMBER this, at Rallys (ie:Brass Monkey Rallys) ... when you park on a hill ... and leave it IN GEAR to stop it moving ... :innocent: :angry2: :pinch: :rolleyes:

[insomnia01]

You must have a very flexible back...:whistle:
I have a Blackbird

What, in the middle of the rest area? i hope you at least went behind a bush?! There could have been kids around FFS!! :eek5::tugger:
Tahora Saddle rest area looking towards Mt Ruapehu absolutely nobody about trust me what a view:yes::yes::yes:

[The Singing Chef]

I have a Blackbird

Tahora Saddle rest area looking towards Mt Ruapehu absolutely nobody about trust me what a view:yes::yes::yes:

Haha scenic masturbation, that's original at least :yes:

[KiWiP]

When you've planned your ride and you know you have a certain distance to travel and a certain amount of time to do it in and it's all programmed into the GPS to do it and arrive at your destination in time to have a shower relax and have a couple of beers, don't get so wrapped up in the ride that you ignore the GPS to the extent that you find yourself in the boondocks adding 4 hours to your planned ride. and that extra ride is in very rural roads with sheep and shit and fatigue...

Mind you that was one of the best rides I've ever had so who gives a shit eh!

[scumdog]

Do NOT let your doris who is riding pillion 'adjust' your goggle when approaching a tight bend on the Glenorchy Road..

Unless your favourite riding tactic is using Braille....

[insomnia01]

Haha scenic masturbation, that's original at least :yes:

:scratch: :wavey: :finger:

[Oakie]

Ooh. From the same trip as my 'don't stand and fart' story earlier ...

If push-starting a bike, make sure you can throw your leg right over before dropping the clutch.

Mrs Oakie's bike flooded while we were having a beverage at the Chertsey pub (250 Eliminator at that time). After cranking it over off the starter motor for too long without success I thought I'd try to crash start it. Popped it in gear, in with the clutch and started running. When I judged the time was right I started to throw a leg over and dropped clutch. Unfortunately the leg got stuck on the wee pillion bar or whatever it was. Even more unfortunately the bike started.
Picture me then with the right leg stuck on the back of the seat and hopping along on my left leg trying to keep up with the bike in second gear. I eventually grabbed the clutch again but by then it was too late as the distance of hop required to keep up with the bike had grown to well over a metre which was beyond my capability. Before it all came tumbling down my last thought was that it was Mrs Oakie's bike so instead of bailing I let it fall on me. No damage to the bike or me but a wee rip in the bike pants. Bugger!

One more lesson from that day:

A roughly tar-sealed country pub carpark won't necessarily be hard enough to keep a bike on side stand. Basically the hot sun softened the seal sufficiently that the sidestand went through it and the 400 had a wee lie down.

Ironic that on the trip that was Mrs Oakie's first big trip and was to be a big learning experience for her, it was me who did all the learning over the weekend. Hard to believe too that all those things happened within about 25 hours of each other.

[Zedder]

Ooh. From the same trip as my 'don't stand and fart' story earlier ...

If push-starting a bike, make sure you can throw your leg right over before dropping the clutch.

Mrs Oakie's bike flooded while we were having a beverage at the Chertsey pub (250 Eliminator at that time). After cranking it over off the starter motor for too long without success I thought I'd try to crash start it. Popped it in gear, in with the clutch and started running. When I judged the time was right I started to throw a leg over and dropped clutch. Unfortunately the leg got stuck on the wee pillion bar or whatever it was. Even more unfortunately the bike started.
Picture me then with the right leg stuck on the back of the seat and hopping along on my left leg trying to keep up with the bike in second gear. I eventually grabbed the clutch again but by then it was too late as the distance of hop required to keep up with the bike had grown to well over a metre which was beyond my capability. Before it all came tumbling down my last thought was that it was Mrs Oakie's bike so instead of bailing I let it fall on me. No damage to the bike or me but a wee rip in the bike pants. Bugger!

One more lesson from that day:

A roughly tar-sealed country pub carpark won't necessarily be hard enough to keep a bike on side stand. Basically the hot sun softened the seal sufficiently that the sidestand went through it and the 400 had a wee lie down.

Ironic that on the trip that was Mrs Oakie's first big trip and was to be a big learning experience for her, it was me who did all the learning over the weekend. Hard to believe too that all those things happened within about 25 hours of each other.

Looksury, we used ta live in shoe box in middle o' road.....

[nathanwhite]

Parking in neutral on an incline is never good, but especially if the police are watching :doh:

[martybabe]

However desperate you are to relieve your bladder, always check the location of your dangling ear phones. Not only do they act as an oscillating sprinkler in the stream of urine, it is also a rather unpleasant experience relocating pee soaked spongy phones back in your head holes.:nya:

A plastic carrier bag may assist with pulling over pants on over a booted foot but using the same technique to pull on a tight helmet is not recommended. Removing the bag through the visor hole is a little tricky and you may end up fairly dead.:no:

[george formby]

Gravity is not constant, either that or my legs randomly change length when I'm trail riding:pinch: