slofox
21st September 2011, 16:54
This from Joe Bennett in today's newspooper. Well, it made me laugh anyway, having dabbled in social science many moons ago. It's fairly long and be warned, may overtax the attention span of modern day Arsebook addicts...:whistle: Here 'tis.
Welcome to "Ask a Social Scientist." OK, eager members of the public, put your questions.
Eager public: What's a social scientist? I mean are you a real scientist with test tubes and a lab coat and the sort of spectacles that are rarely seen as indicative of smouldering sexual potency?
Social scientist: No. Real scientists are engaged in testing hypotheses by means of controlled repeatable experiments. Thus they advance understanding and benefit the human species in countless ways for which the species thanks them by laughing at their spectacles. We social scientists, on the other hand, steer well away from tricky stuff like finding out the truth. We make our living by studying social things.
Puzzled public: What, like going to the pub and watching rugby?
Social scientist: You're on to it.
Excited public: How do I become a social scientist?
Social scientist: When you go to the pub you have to ask people earnest questions. The people will respond to your questions by lying. These lies are what we social scientists call data. We feed the data into a computer which collates it and then we sell it to the Ministry of Health who feed it into their computers and reach the conclusion that something has to be done about drinking habits.
Baffled public: Oh.
Social scientist: Or we sell the data to women's magazines who turn it into questionnaires entitled "Are you a Secret Alcoholic?" like the one you may have completed in the dentist's waiting room last week while you were waiting for your root canal and which revealed that you and every single one of your friends were doomed to catastrophic liver failure by next Wednesday.
Worried public: And the magazine was five years old.
Social scientist: Exactly. Or we sell your data to the giant brewers so they can inadvertently misplace it.
Morally shocked public: So, as a social scientist you are the right person to ask about the shocking revelations of off-pitch behaviour by players involved in the Rugby World Cup and what these shocking revelations mean for the unholy alliance between the rugby industry and the sport of drinking. The revelations we are shocked by are:
a. the shocking revelation that the England captain spoke to a woman in a pub, as reported in the British press under the headline "Queen's Grandson-in-law in Booze-Fuelled Orgy"; And b. the shocking revelation that the Irish team also went to a pub. What are the socially scientific conclusions to be drawn from these shocking revelations?
Social scientist: Well, first I think I speak for everyone when I say how pleased I am that there is still quality journalism going on out there, upholding the public's right to know.
Secondly, will you excuse me while I mouth the standard platitudes about the disastrous binge-drinking culture of this nation, contrasting it with the sophistication of European binge- drinking, and regurgitating the expression "it's not what we're drinking it's how we're drinking", as though it actually meant something. And while I'm at it, may I express my amusement at the hoarding erected on several grounds by a brewery which happens to be the principal sponsor of the whole shebang. The hoarding says "enjoy responsibly", as if the phrase were not by definition an oxymoron.
Inattentive public: Sorry, I fell asleep during that bit.
Social scientist: And thirdly I have to say that the two shocking revelations lead to ambiguous conclusions. The English team, on the one hand, since their booze- fuelled orgy have played like stumble-bums lurching onto the street at dawn unsure whether it's Tuesday or Zambia. But the Irish team, on the other hand . . .
Approving public: May I interrupt to observe that despite being a social scientist you are an acute analyst of the game.
Social scientist: Thank you. But as I was saying, on the other hand, the Irish team ran straight out of the pub and onto the field against the much- admired Australian team and proceeded to bash them up.
Scientifically Inquisitive Public: What was the correct socially scientific response to the moment when the Irish loose forward picked up the Australian halfback and carried him down the ground with his little legs waving in the air like a toddler having a tantrum?
Social scientist: Ha ha ha.
Concurring public: And then to crack open a beer?
Social scientist: Or two.
Welcome to "Ask a Social Scientist." OK, eager members of the public, put your questions.
Eager public: What's a social scientist? I mean are you a real scientist with test tubes and a lab coat and the sort of spectacles that are rarely seen as indicative of smouldering sexual potency?
Social scientist: No. Real scientists are engaged in testing hypotheses by means of controlled repeatable experiments. Thus they advance understanding and benefit the human species in countless ways for which the species thanks them by laughing at their spectacles. We social scientists, on the other hand, steer well away from tricky stuff like finding out the truth. We make our living by studying social things.
Puzzled public: What, like going to the pub and watching rugby?
Social scientist: You're on to it.
Excited public: How do I become a social scientist?
Social scientist: When you go to the pub you have to ask people earnest questions. The people will respond to your questions by lying. These lies are what we social scientists call data. We feed the data into a computer which collates it and then we sell it to the Ministry of Health who feed it into their computers and reach the conclusion that something has to be done about drinking habits.
Baffled public: Oh.
Social scientist: Or we sell the data to women's magazines who turn it into questionnaires entitled "Are you a Secret Alcoholic?" like the one you may have completed in the dentist's waiting room last week while you were waiting for your root canal and which revealed that you and every single one of your friends were doomed to catastrophic liver failure by next Wednesday.
Worried public: And the magazine was five years old.
Social scientist: Exactly. Or we sell your data to the giant brewers so they can inadvertently misplace it.
Morally shocked public: So, as a social scientist you are the right person to ask about the shocking revelations of off-pitch behaviour by players involved in the Rugby World Cup and what these shocking revelations mean for the unholy alliance between the rugby industry and the sport of drinking. The revelations we are shocked by are:
a. the shocking revelation that the England captain spoke to a woman in a pub, as reported in the British press under the headline "Queen's Grandson-in-law in Booze-Fuelled Orgy"; And b. the shocking revelation that the Irish team also went to a pub. What are the socially scientific conclusions to be drawn from these shocking revelations?
Social scientist: Well, first I think I speak for everyone when I say how pleased I am that there is still quality journalism going on out there, upholding the public's right to know.
Secondly, will you excuse me while I mouth the standard platitudes about the disastrous binge-drinking culture of this nation, contrasting it with the sophistication of European binge- drinking, and regurgitating the expression "it's not what we're drinking it's how we're drinking", as though it actually meant something. And while I'm at it, may I express my amusement at the hoarding erected on several grounds by a brewery which happens to be the principal sponsor of the whole shebang. The hoarding says "enjoy responsibly", as if the phrase were not by definition an oxymoron.
Inattentive public: Sorry, I fell asleep during that bit.
Social scientist: And thirdly I have to say that the two shocking revelations lead to ambiguous conclusions. The English team, on the one hand, since their booze- fuelled orgy have played like stumble-bums lurching onto the street at dawn unsure whether it's Tuesday or Zambia. But the Irish team, on the other hand . . .
Approving public: May I interrupt to observe that despite being a social scientist you are an acute analyst of the game.
Social scientist: Thank you. But as I was saying, on the other hand, the Irish team ran straight out of the pub and onto the field against the much- admired Australian team and proceeded to bash them up.
Scientifically Inquisitive Public: What was the correct socially scientific response to the moment when the Irish loose forward picked up the Australian halfback and carried him down the ground with his little legs waving in the air like a toddler having a tantrum?
Social scientist: Ha ha ha.
Concurring public: And then to crack open a beer?
Social scientist: Or two.