go on. call helpdesk

[pyrocam]

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from our video recording.

When an IT person says s/he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to Remember 300 screen saver passwords.

When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your problems right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only to serve.

Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When we do something as a favour in our own time at our own expense, feel
free to criticise us.

That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your desk. Manual labour was part of our IT degree.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it.

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer Support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what is
meant by "my thingy blew up".

When you call someone in to fix a problem - but don't tell them about the other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK - we can clear our schedule for the rest of the day.

Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.


When your application can't do what you want... blame us, we write all the software that runs on your PC and can customise it on the fly. Bill Gates lets us do this.

Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think - he has seen every problem before.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/NT/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of their desk and stare at them until they hang up.

Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

When you think the network/e-mail/office application is going slow, call us as we have a button to press that makes it go back to it's normal speed.

When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know about the problem.

The instant you call us (on our mobile) - we can see what's happening on your screen and can solve it instantaneously.

Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet. So you have a right to be upset if we don't answer the phone.

When you receive a 300MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

When an IT person gets in the lift pushing £100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?"

And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for Your call.. The whole day!!!

[justsomeguy]

Rep deserved and given .......:rofl: ......

[justsomeguy]

Sorry not finished laughing yet :killingme :laugh: :lol: :rofl:

[placidfemme]

LMAO I just sent that to our whole IT department LMAO


HAHA

[MOTOXXX]

lol
tuff day at the office guv?

and thats probly where ill start next year after i finish my course.
dang

[Devil]

Heh, thats been around for a while, but still oh so true.

Its a thankless job 99.9% of the time(*). Not a peep when everythings working, but heaven help our "useless", "slow" , "worthless" selves when something breaks. Honestly we pick a PC at random to break just so we have something to do.

(*) Except for those lovely ladies in HR that bake things for us.

[madboy]

In the time it took you to write that up (cos we know that cut and paste is available to users only, not the IT techies) you could've done something productive like sort out that f***ing mailmarshall crap that keeps stopping me from looking at www.teenslut.com at work!

[Devil]

In the time it took you to write that up (cos we know that cut and paste is available to users only, not the IT techies) you could've done something productive like sort out that f***ing mailmarshall crap that keeps stopping me from looking at www.teenslut.com at work!
Boy I love having God rights on our network :D

All your dodgy websites are belong to me.

[Ixion]

In the time it took you to write that up (cos we know that cut and paste is available to users only, not the IT techies) you could've done something productive like sort out that f***ing mailmarshall crap that keeps stopping me from looking at www.teenslut.com at work!

Hmm. [checks proxy is bypassed. Door is closed]. Hmm. Oh my goodness. That's disgusting. Depraved. Immoral. Uh, folks I'll be pretty busy for the rest of the day, no interruptions please.


Marshall, smarschall. Find an anonymous proxy.

[Big Dave]

All business would be wonderful if you didn't have to put up with customers.
Here's 20c - call someone who cares and in the mean time just harden up and fix my computer.

[TerminalAddict]

1. http://www.sysadminday.com (July 29th .. which is a friday, which coincides with my beer drinking habits :w00t: :) )

2. anonmous proxy ?? pfft .. how about an ssl tunnel back to my house ;) encrypted and undetectable, and I use my broadband at home to do the dodgy shit :2thumbsup:

[Devil]

1. http://www.sysadminday.com (July 29th .. which is a friday, which coincides with my beer drinking habits :w00t: :) )

2. anonmous proxy ?? pfft .. how about an ssl tunnel back to my house ;) encrypted and undetectable, and I use my broadband at home to do the dodgy shit :2thumbsup:
Undetectable. Yeah right! Firewall logs win.

[pyrocam]

In the time it took you to write that up (cos we know that cut and paste is available to users only, not the IT techies) you could've done something productive like sort out that f***ing mailmarshall crap that keeps stopping me from looking at www.teenslut.com at work!

aha you use mailmarshall too.
I love it.
I just sit on it reading blocked emails 'to see if they are work related' Im building up a solid video collection which im going to start hosting when I find some good software and somewhere to host (see if I can get onto my works dual fibre optic lines)

and yes. network god rights pwn.

note the sticker on my desk :)

[Big Dave]

What's that water doing on your desk - don't you know fish fuck in that!

[pyrocam]

What's that water doing on your desk - don't you know fish fuck in that!
its nearly empty 3 day old tap water. real mans water. only drink it to help the nurofen go down

[phantom]

Isn't working in the IT industry wonderful ? Actually taken the first week of the school holidays off to do "Daddy Daycare " duties looking after my 8 year old stepdaughter and sundry assorted hangers on :love: . Makes dealing with pibkac problems ( problem is between keyboard and computer ) seem not such a bad option :mad:

[Ixion]

Undetectable. Yeah right! Firewall logs win.

Which is why you make sure to bypass the main system firewall (have me own little firewall for such occasions) .Pinholes rule.

[Ixion]

What's that water doing on your desk - don't you know fish fuck in that!
Not in MiZone they don't. That's water PLUS. - *SPECIALLY TREATED* it is. 'Tis being exported into China now. There it is marketed under the brand name MiDong. New advertising is "MiDong - Now in new giant size". They see nothing funny in it.

[pyrocam]

Isn't working in the IT industry wonderful ? Actually taken the first week of the school holidays off to do "Daddy Daycare " duties looking after my 8 year old stepdaughter and sundry assorted hangers on :love: . Makes dealing with pibkac problems ( problem is between keyboard and computer ) seem not such a bad option :mad:

I came close to buying the pebkac shirt but went for the lmao one instead

[Flyingpony]

When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

Sorry, I think that task has been delegated out. We've now supposed to ring reception :weird:
Oh and also when the printers are out of paper.


And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for Your call.. The whole day!!!
Roaming desktop phones. You can now be reach anywhere, anytime.

[Devil]

Which is why you make sure to bypass the main system firewall (have me own little firewall for such occasions) .Pinholes rule.
I guess it depend what dodgy ass network your using :)

[danb]

Okkkk

American Style (http://www.computecnetworks.no-ip.com/fun/34.jpg)
To send automated emails to the help desk (http://www.computecnetworks.no-ip.com/fun/1.jpg)
Overclockers Paradise (http://www.computecnetworks.no-ip.com/fun/38.jpg)
What we do with crap thats past its use by date (http://www.computecnetworks.no-ip.com/fun/39.jpg)
And for the Friday afternoon Drinks (http://www.computecnetworks.no-ip.com/fun/31.jpg)
No I have not taken these pics - all off the net so I’m sure most of you have seen these before.

[danb]

Now all we need to do is block this website on the firewall at SKC to stop TristanK spending half his time on this site when working (Jokes) :rofl:

[pyrocam]

Sorry, I think that task has been delegated out. We've now supposed to ring reception :weird:
Oh and also when the printers are out of paper.


Roaming desktop phones. You can now be reach anywhere, anytime.

I know! ffs im on call 25/7 as the primary contact for anything that goes wrong.


I guess it depend what dodgy ass network your using

Im planning on plugging my workstation straight into the fibreoptic modem (JK cos my boss is on here now :) ) cos I tried to run quake after work. I should get a 6-8 ping which will be the best in NZ that I have seen unfortuantly the problem is the proxy, either install a quake proxy (quizmo) or bypass it. either task is not something I really want to do.

[danb]

I know! ffs im on call 25/7 as the primary contact for anything that goes wrong.



Im planning on plugging my workstation straight into the fibreoptic modem (JK cos my boss is on here now :) ) cos I tried to run quake after work. I should get a 6-8 ping which will be the best in NZ that I have seen unfortuantly the problem is the proxy, either install a quake proxy (quizmo) or bypass it. either task is not something I really want to do.

Have a chat to the network administrator - Its amazing what shit you can talk them into doing :-) or finding out the "holes" in the network (well sometimes)

[pyrocam]

Have a chat to the network administrator - Its amazing what shit you can talk them into doing :-) or finding out the "holes" in the network (well sometimes)

Ill wait until Ive been there a bit longer and I dont stuff up the backup tapes in a little while. dont want to abuse my privaleges straight away :)

[Ixion]

I know! ffs im on call 25/7 as the primary contact for anything that goes wrong.

Welcome to the wonderful world of support. Thank the stars I'm only third level contact. If it gets as far up as me it's probably just a smoking heap of ashes anyway




Im planning on plugging my workstation straight into the fibreoptic modem (JK cos my boss is on here now :) ) cos I tried to run quake after work. I should get a 6-8 ping which will be the best in NZ that I have seen unfortuantly the problem is the proxy, either install a quake proxy (quizmo) or bypass it. either task is not something I really want to do.

Yeah, bypass the proxy. Build y'self a linux firewall, using an old PC (scrounge something, arrange for one of the better luser machines to "break down, not economic to repair". Then replace the HDD cable you disconnected - or if more subtlety is needed, put back the MB jumpers you removed). Then plug in a feed direct from the router to your new firewall , then set that firewall as your proxy. Default to ALL traffic blocked in the rules (cos you want to be safe), or just intranet open, then add rules to open what you want. Obviously be sensible, you should know what's safe and what's not. You're God so flex them muscles.

[Ixion]

Have a chat to the network administrator - Its amazing what shit you can talk them into doing :-) or finding out the "holes" in the network (well sometimes)

Golden rule of sysadmins. If you're a decent guy, and seem sensible enough not to cause shit to run over, we don't care what you're doing, and will facilitate stuff for you. If you're a PITA, or a wanker, then we just quote company policy and security best practice. Sorry. NOT.

So grease up your company sysadmins, guys, cos they can do all sorts of good shit for you.

[Big Dave]

So grease up your company sysadmins, guys, cos they can do all sorts of good shit for you.

Alternatively you can intimidate and threaten the nerd.
See Big Dave's Reasonable Rates to 'knock your IT into shape'.

[Ixion]

Alternatively you can intimidate and threaten the nerd.
See Big Dave's Reasonable Rates to 'knock your IT into shape'.

Ah, that's why server rooms have very strong, self locking security coded doors.
:yes:

[myvice]

Sounds like my job.
"My car wont start"
"Will it turn over?"
"What do you mean?"
"When you turn the key, will the motor try to start?"
"No, it wont start"
and on, and on, and on....

[Big Dave]

Ah, that's why server rooms have very strong, self locking security coded doors.
:yes:


Nope - that's because it's the only place in the building where the porn isn't filtered.

[pyrocam]

Ah, that's why server rooms have very strong, self locking security coded doors.
:yes:

Thats right!

we keep our secondary offence RITA in there too
the diagnostic RITA stays attached to my belt at all times.

Rep for the first person who knows what a RITA is and posts a link to the text

[pyrocam]

Network Working Group A. Bressen
Request for Comments: 2321 Cohesive Network Systems
Category: Informational 1 April 1998

RITA -- The Reliable Internetwork Troubleshooting Agent

Status of this Memo

This memo provides information for the Internet community. It does
not specify an Internet standard of any kind. Distribution of this
memo is unlimited.

Copyright Notice

Copyright (C) The Internet Society (1998). All Rights Reserved.

Abstract

A Description of the usage of Nondeterministic Troubleshooting and
Diagnostic Methodologies as applied to today's complex
nondeterministic networks and environments.

1. Introduction

Increasingly, IETF efforts have been devoted to aiding network
management, troubleshooting, and diagnosis. Results have included
SNMP, cflowd, and RMON, and ongoing projects at the time of this
writing include Universal Logging Protocol and Distributed
Management. These tools work well within the horizon of
deterministic situations in which the configuration of the network or
relevant components is known or can be relatively easily determined.
They do not well address many problems that are related to the
complex internetworks we have today, such as:

o Networks where the root bridge for a world-wide bridged
network is suboptimally located, such as under the desk of a
secretary who kicks off her shoes when she arrives in the
morning.
o Networks where a hub is located adjacent to a monitor that
emits disruptive RF when displaying certain graphics.
o Networks where an ISP and several of their customers use
network 10.0.0.0 internally and do not hide RIP broadcasts from
one another.
o Networks where gateways are data-sensitive
o Networks where vendors inadvertently ship units with
duplicate MAC addresses to the same end-user or where all users
have a tool for changing MAC addresses.

In this document we introduce a new hardware-based tool for diagnosis
and repair of network related hardware and software problems. This
tool is best suited to addressing nondeterministic problems such as
those described above. This tool has broad areas of application at
all levels of the OSI model; in addition to uses in the physical,
network, transport and application layers, it has been used to
successfully address problems at the political and religious layers
as well. RITA, the Reliable Internet Troubleshooting Agent, was
developed initially at The Leftbank Operation (now known as Cohesive
Network Systems, New England Division) based on a hardware platform
supplied by Archie McPhee (Reference [1]). A typical RITA unit is
depicted in Figure 1.


comb neck body feet
| | | |
v v V V
,^/'/, ,______________________. ,
i' ' / / =========<-
/ <o> `---------/ \ `
.;__. ,__,--------. / ,
/ ,/ vv \ =========<-
'-' `-----------------------' `
^ ^ ^
| | |
beak wattles legs

Figure 1.

2. Specification

A typical RITA is 51.25 cm long and yellow-orange in color. Either
natural or artificial substances may be used for construction. RITA
has very flexible characteristics, and thus can interoperate within
fairly broad parameters. Unlike most other tools described in
forthcoming RFC's, RITA does not require any IANA namespace
management. It is not anticipated that versions will be
incompatible, thus no versioning field is present. Interoperability
testing may be conducted at a future meeting of the IETF.

3. Diagnostic Usage:

RITA may be applied in two diagnostic fashions, however only one of
these methods, described below in 3.1, has been refined to a state
such that we feel comfortable publishing the methodology.

3.1 The first method provides a broad-spectrum evaluation of
quality of the entity tested, and is thus known as the BS eval test.
This method can be used with great success on both deterministic and
non-deterministic problems. Testing is performed by placing the RITA
unit on top of a suspect piece of hardware, or, in the case of
software, placing the unit on a packaged copy of the program, or hard
copy of the source code.

If the RITA does not get up and fly away, the hardware or software
being tested is misconfigured, fubar, or broken as designed. While
this method does identify all equipment and software as sub-optimal,
Sturgeon's Law (see reference [5]) indicates that at least 90% of
these results are accurate, and it is felt that a maximum 10% false
positive result is within acceptable parameters.

3.2 The second method involves applications of traditional techniques
of haruspication (see reference [3]) and to date has been practiced
with much greater success using implements other than RITA. The
absence of entrails in the RITA unit may contribute to this; future
design enhancements may address this issue by the addition of
artificial giblets.

An alternative approach that has been discarded involved cleromantic
principles (see reference [3]), and was known as "flipping the bird".

4. Corrective Usage:

Corrective usage of RITA is most successful in dealing with the most
difficult class of networking problems: those that seem to exhibit
sporadic, non-deterministic behavior.

RITA units enhance normal corrective measures of these problems,
methods such as rebooting, reseating of components and connectors,
changing tabs to spaces or vice-versa in configuration files, blaming
third-party vendors, and use of ballistic implements to effect
wholesale displacement of systems and software, to at least 100% of
their normal efficacy.

Specific Problem Methodologies:

o Physical Layer: Wave RITA unit towards malfunctioning
components.
o Network Layer: Wave RITA unit towards malfunctioning
components.
o Transport Layer: Wave RITA unit towards malfunctioning
components.

o Application Layer: Strike product vendor representative
(or programmer, if available) with RITA, preferably on the top
of the skull, while shouting, "Read The Fine RFC's comma darn
it!"
o Political Layer: Strike advocates of disruptive or
obstructive policies with RITA, preferably on the top of the
skull. In extreme cases insertion of RITA into bodily apertures
may become necessary. WARNING: subsequent failure to remove RITA
may cause further problems.
o Religious Layer: Strike advocates of disruptive or
obstructive religions, and their vendor representatives, with
RITA, preferably on the top of the skull. In extreme cases, the
RITA may be used as a phlactory, funerary urn, or endcap for
bus-and-tag cables.

5. Further Work

A RITA MIB is under development. This may require adding interface
technology and hardware to RITA; a prototype is depicted in Figure 2.


comb neck body feet
| | | |
v v V V
,^/'/, ,______________________. ,
i' ' / / =========<-
/ <o> `---------/ \_____________m
.;__. ,__,--------. / ,
/ ,/ vv \ =========<-
'-' `-----------------------' `
^ ^ ^ ^
| | | |
beak wattles legs ethernet

Figure 2.

There has been to date no investigation of the possible use of RITA
to implement RFC 1149.

Additionally, this tool has been used with some success for dealing
with non-network problems, particularly in the debugging of SCSI bus
malfunctions.

6. Security Considerations

The RITA will only have serious impact on system security facilities
if it is filled with lead shot. It does however, increase the
personal security of system administrators; few network toughs are
willing to face down a sysadmin armed with a RITA and a confident
demeanor.


edit: URL http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc2321.html

[myvice]

Relatively Inefficient Terminal Assesment

[Ixion]

..

Cut much driod waffle..



6. Security Considerations

The RITA will only have serious impact on system security facilities
if it is filled with lead shot. It does however, increase the
personal security of system administrators; few network toughs are
willing to face down a sysadmin armed with a RITA and a confident
demeanor.


edit: URL http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc2321.html

Meh. Only the internet could make a simple rubber chicken into an anagram.

And for security I prefer the good old simple LART, aka a BLOODY BIG HAMMER. Y'r chicken is fine for minor percussive maintainence, but serious problems need industrial strength remedies. The BLOODY BIG HAMMER never fails.

[pyrocam]

Meh. Only the internet could make a simple rubber chicken into an anagram.

And for security I prefer the good old simple LART, aka a BLOODY BIG HAMMER. Y'r chicken is fine for minor percussive maintainence, but serious problems need industrial strength remedies. The BLOODY BIG HAMMER never fails.

your a lart'er?

[raster]

I havn't tried the rubber chicken, I find the hammer to get good results, people tend not to call you so much when you smash their keyboards.

[Ixion]

your a lart'er?


I am the last resort of the besieged help desk. Faced with a luser of intractable stupidity or malevolence, they fall back on "We'll have to pass this to Ixion". Whereupon said luser (if they have either experience or forewarning) decides that it really doesn't matter.

Occasionally I get to enjoy feasting on the bones of a luser either ignorant or sub-humanly stupid, who persists , and whose call is therefore passed to me.

They never do it twice, but.

Invoke the Gods of Third Level Support at your peril, I say.

[raster]

I hate phone support, prefer remote access or onsite.

Remote access freaks some people out. Spent a day convincing someone their machine was demon possessed. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[raster]

i just thort it funny sending an email saying my email doesn't work

second problem (written jobsheet)
Fault description: Computer doesn't go, nothing on screen.

Fix: move Icon to middle of screen. :weird:

[pyrocam]

One I like is getting an email from someone saying their email doesn't work.

Fault description: Computer doesn't go, nothing on screen.
Fix: move Icon to middle of screen. :weird:

wtF? explain

[raster]

wtF? explain

Sorry its getting late the Defensive driving course was more boring than I realised and didn't mean to edit previous posting :weird: :slap:

i just thort it funny sending an email saying my email doesn't work

second problem (written jobsheet)
Fault description: Computer doesn't go, nothing on screen.

Fix: move Icon to middle of screen. :weird:
Icon had been shifted to right hand bottom of screen and slightly obscured by task bar, wasn't where she had used it yesterday. Only one app, only 1 icon other than recycle bin.
"I didn't move it there, who moved it there" was her comment.

"Computer doesn't go" has many meanings.

Another time: user saying machine wont go, turn it on light comes on only thing on screen is no signal input then it dissappears.
I was going that way so I thort in check it out, she was turning monitor on and not the computer.

10 cls
20 Goto Bed
30 new

[pete376403]

Many were the calls I took for "dead 327x terminal" which were resolved by turning the brightness back up...

[Lias]

Wolf and I get quite a few "my email doesnt work" emails.. It's somewhat scary the level of stupidity present in our workplace.

[pyrocam]

Sorry its getting late the Defensive driving course was more boring than I realised and didn't mean to edit previous posting :weird: :slap:

i just thort it funny sending an email saying my email doesn't work

second problem (written jobsheet)
Fault description: Computer doesn't go, nothing on screen.

Fix: move Icon to middle of screen. :weird:
Icon had been shifted to right hand bottom of screen and slightly obscured by task bar, wasn't where she had used it yesterday. Only one app, only 1 icon other than recycle bin.
"I didn't move it there, who moved it there" was her comment.

"Computer doesn't go" has many meanings.

Another time: user saying machine wont go, turn it on light comes on only thing on screen is no signal input then it dissappears.
I was going that way so I thort in check it out, she was turning monitor on and not the computer.

10 cls
20 Goto Bed
30 new



c:\>copy con autoexec.bat
@echo off
10
echo Your computer is broken
sleep 1
goto 10
^Z

[Wolf]

...but it missed a few:

If a we are struggling across the site with a 60kg laser printer in our hands, stop us with the words "Now that I've caught you" and tell us about how a week ago the system seemed slow. Moving equipment is boring and we welcome the distraction.

The best time and place to find technical support is around 10pm in the staff room. We can solve your problems by remote whilst drinking our coffee and eating the breakfast we skipped.

When we turn up to fix a problem that was accidentally logged in advance, don't forget to say "while you are here..." and tell us about all the problems you have been experiencing for the last month but couldn't get fixed because you hadn't seen us.

Losers log calls in advance. Don't do it! The proper time to make a request is when the technician is repairing someone else's machine in the same building.

Likewise, the proper time to notify us of a new login account being required is three weeks after the person has started work. Tell us what access rights they urgently need a week after that.

Do not identify yourself over the phone, we know the voice patterns of all 2000 employees by heart.

If you by chance don't get the same technician as you spoke to three days ago, do not panic, just talk to the one you do get as if it were the same person, all IT technicians are part of the Borg Collective and share thought processes - what one knows, all others know. All contractors that turn up from an external company download their memory to the local IT staff before leaving so we know what they did as well.

The words "I spoke to someone there three days ago" instantly unlock our memories and we can instantly identify who you are and what it was you phoned about, there is no need for you to remember such trivial details.

If supplying further information for an existing Work Order, do not quote the work order number when sending it - our Work Order count is low and the management don't think we're doing anything so it benefits us to create a second work order for the same job.

If you are experiencing problems, get your manager and your secretary to send separate emailled requests to get it fixed then phone us yourself. Multiple Work Orders for the same job make us work faster and it looks good for our job completion statistics when we finally discover that the job had already been completed by the technician we sent to fix your co-worker's printer.

If multiple people use the same computer/printer/network link, get them all to send in separate requests so we appreciate how many people are disadvantaged and respond with fitting urgency.

Urgent creation of staff accounts must be requested at 4:59pm on a Friday, we all hate our families and welcome the excuse not to go home to them - you'll save us the hassle of inventing excuses to stick around work.

[Wolf]

...but it missed a few:
oops, so did I:

If you cannot log in, do not panic, call us thirty minutes later from your mobile phone whilst driving to the airport - we know what you mean by "I just can't get in" and your computer will be working perfectly when you get back from your business trip.

[raster]

...but it missed a few:

If you by chance don't get the same technician as you spoke to three days ago, do not panic, just talk to the one you do get as if it were the same person, all IT technicians are part of the Borg Collective and share thought processes - what one knows, all others know. All contractors that turn up from an external company download their memory to the local IT staff before leaving so we know what they did as well.



Don't you have instant Borg Collective upload facility?
Upgrade provided by Vodacom. :yes:

[Drunken Monkey]

... Makes dealing with pibkac problems ( problem is between keyboard and computer ) seem not such a bad option :mad:

I think you mean PEBKAC - problem exists between keyboard and chair.

I would suggest PIBKAC is a simple cabling fault.

[Wolf]

I think you mean PEBKAC - problem exists between keyboard and chair.

I would suggest PIBKAC is a simple cabling fault.
Chair-to-keyboard interface error or, as Illiad puts it in Userfriendly (http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/):

user=ID10T

[raster]

Equates to IO error in the user interface.

[pyrocam]

Equates to IO error in the user interface.

Ahh the good old userfriendly.
good times good times.

I used to do a circuit going
megatokyo - penny arcade - user freindly
every day, since I had alot of time I would start at the begining of the archives and work my way through.
I got up to date with about 5 different webcomics while I was working *at an undisclosed location deep in the heart of albany* which was an intensive process.

now I just KB

[Wolf]

Don't you have instant Borg Collective upload facility?
Upgrade provided by Vodacom. :yes:
Only "In-house" - external contractors have to upload to us at the end of their visit. Something to do with different telcos and billing... (and the fact that we're still on RS232C because our tight arse bosses won't spring for USB)

[raster]

Only "In-house" - external contractors have to upload to us at the end of their visit. Something to do with different telcos and billing... (and the fact that we're still on RS232C because our tight arse bosses won't spring for USB)

Wot, we use mobile wireless, fits in the tiny gap just behind the left ear.

[pyrocam]

hey guys.
can someone please 334522 me the 552325 so I can 224515 into a 55622 to fix the 232355 on 333677

[pyrocam]

remote admin'd onto a pc today.

lol at what I found:

[SpeedyGirl]

Sales Co-ordinator Survival Guide


Before work ensure you have taken St Johns Wort to calm stress, or Berocca to alleviate hangover whichever is more appropriate.

Arrive at work - Pick up mug that Someone has left downstairs

Go to make yourself coffee – find that non Sales Co-ordinator is opening dishwasher, dishwasher is full, non Sales Co-ordinator says ‘Oh’ closes dishwasher, uses teaspoon from coffee, stirs drink, puts teaspoon in sink and walks off.

Empty dishwasher.

Open fridge to make yourself a coffee, find there is no milk. Get milk.

If you are in charge of ordering tea/coffee you are expected to realise telepathically when there is none left, and when we do run out, you will be expect to magic some out of thin air. The requestor may even stand next to you for some time after telling you there is none left – you may need to lead them back to their desk.

You must attend team days even though all items covered very little to do with your job – remember you are part of the team. V. important.

Arrive at team day. Carry whiteboard markers, datashow, various workbooks, photocopies, prizes, and chocolates from car to venue. Everyone else can just turn up with a pen and paper. PS Remember to bring spare pen and paper for those who forget.

Make sure adequate food and beverages available at team day. If not adequate or incorrect timing of coffee arrival be prepared to answer the question why.

Your desk is a place for stuff other people don’t know what to do with.

Being told that the urinal in the men’s toilet is blocked again should bring you joy – please smile when you are told this.

Being told that the office is too hot or too cold should also bring you joy – please smile and tell the complainant that the appropriate action will be taken.

Phone air-conditioning company. Sigh and say that you understand they came out 10 minutes ago but would they mind coming out again now as the temperature has moved slightly.

If you sit near the fax, you’re an expert. If you sit near the printer, you’re an expert. If there is no paper, you’re a packhorse. Hey, we probably need the exercise, right?

Lose Manager at least once daily. Correct answer to anyone who asks “he’s in a meeting”. Honest answer “He left, he hasn’t come back yet, I’ve no idea as there is nothing in his diary”.





Remember that the glass isn’t half empty, it’s half full, and it probably needs emptying and someone would appreciate it ending up in the dishwasher if you wouldn’t mind…..