Biff
24th July 2005, 11:24
I decided to treat the Biff Bird to a day at the races in Timaru in order to watch Dangerous, Kickaha and K14 throw themselves around yesterday. It was a frosty morning when I left, and I quickly wished that I’d worn more long sleeved clothing, and not just the three t-shirts, one long sleeved top and bikey jacket. As I hit Christchurch I decided that I couldn’t tolerate the searing cold pain and stopped of at Smith’s City in order to find some suitable de-freezing attire. Thankfully they had a sports section there and I treated myself to a Swazi thermal hunting top. Bloody brilliant piece of kit – highly recommended. Especially if you’re into commando green. So bloody warm.
Anyhoo – the ride to Timaru was boring, and I found myself getting really excited when I came across a couple of 85K corners. I even hung off my seat. What a prat. Anything to break up the monotony of the ride. You can read Kickaha’s excellent race meet report here: http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=14656.
I decided to head home at a little after 3, and to take my time doing so. About an hour into the ride I suddenly realised that I’d been a total arse and forgotten abut the fact that I had a tinted visor on and that the sun was disappearing, fast. So I upped the pace a bit and made the most of the long straights and the mobile cage chicanes. That was until my radar detector went off. I slowed up to a legal speed and within seconds saw a red Holden parked in a country lane on the opposite carriage. As I went passed it pulled out a couple of cars behind me. It then overtook these cars and sat behind me, taunting me. Every 20-30 seconds or so my radar detector would squeak and say, “Ka Band etc etc”. This went on for about 10 Ks, and I sat at 100KPH the whole time, getting more and more concerned by the fact that I was loosing visibility fast due to the sun setting. As we hit an overtaking lane I had to make a decision fast, do I slow right down and hope the mufty overtook me, but then risk him waiting for me ahead, or keep going at the same speed. I chose to slow right down to 80KPH – he overtook me and gave me a sideways glance as he went passed. Thankfully he didn’t see me mouth w*anker as he did so. By the time the overtaking lane had finished he was two car lengths in front, as it stayed for around another 10K or so. Then I saw him indicate left into another side lane. I took the initiative and accelerated hard at which point I noticed he was attempting a U turn, rather clumsily, so I nailed it past him. I’m not sure that he noticed this, and my radar detector remained silent. So I kept it nailed for some time, ensuring that there was a decent distance between us should he decide to play silly buggers with me again.
By this time my visibility was pretty poor. I kept pulling up my visor, but the wind in my eyes made me cry like a teenager that’s just been dumped by her boyfriend while she was pealing onions. I tried slowing right down - which just annoyed the other traffic on the road, and I sped up on the straight bits, I also tried several variations on these themes, none made me particularly comfortable.
By the time I hit Christchurch not only was I almost blind with my visor down, but by this stage I was desperate for a pee. Not a good combination, and every bump in the road made me feel like my bladder was going to explode and I’d have to explain why my leathers smelt like they belonged to an incontinent old age pensioner.
Suffice to say I made it, much to the amusement of the Bifflings who ran out to greet me only to see me sprinting past them attempting to fumble my whatsit out of my trousers, which is a task in itself when wearing gloves and with the effects of 2 and a bit hours of cold air. It was like picking up a cashew nut in a dense pine forest with an earth mover – get the picture (yes it was due to the cold – honest).
So, the moral of the story is, be prepared. It leave you to decide whether that means remember to take a clear visor or colostomy bag.
Biff out.
Anyhoo – the ride to Timaru was boring, and I found myself getting really excited when I came across a couple of 85K corners. I even hung off my seat. What a prat. Anything to break up the monotony of the ride. You can read Kickaha’s excellent race meet report here: http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php?t=14656.
I decided to head home at a little after 3, and to take my time doing so. About an hour into the ride I suddenly realised that I’d been a total arse and forgotten abut the fact that I had a tinted visor on and that the sun was disappearing, fast. So I upped the pace a bit and made the most of the long straights and the mobile cage chicanes. That was until my radar detector went off. I slowed up to a legal speed and within seconds saw a red Holden parked in a country lane on the opposite carriage. As I went passed it pulled out a couple of cars behind me. It then overtook these cars and sat behind me, taunting me. Every 20-30 seconds or so my radar detector would squeak and say, “Ka Band etc etc”. This went on for about 10 Ks, and I sat at 100KPH the whole time, getting more and more concerned by the fact that I was loosing visibility fast due to the sun setting. As we hit an overtaking lane I had to make a decision fast, do I slow right down and hope the mufty overtook me, but then risk him waiting for me ahead, or keep going at the same speed. I chose to slow right down to 80KPH – he overtook me and gave me a sideways glance as he went passed. Thankfully he didn’t see me mouth w*anker as he did so. By the time the overtaking lane had finished he was two car lengths in front, as it stayed for around another 10K or so. Then I saw him indicate left into another side lane. I took the initiative and accelerated hard at which point I noticed he was attempting a U turn, rather clumsily, so I nailed it past him. I’m not sure that he noticed this, and my radar detector remained silent. So I kept it nailed for some time, ensuring that there was a decent distance between us should he decide to play silly buggers with me again.
By this time my visibility was pretty poor. I kept pulling up my visor, but the wind in my eyes made me cry like a teenager that’s just been dumped by her boyfriend while she was pealing onions. I tried slowing right down - which just annoyed the other traffic on the road, and I sped up on the straight bits, I also tried several variations on these themes, none made me particularly comfortable.
By the time I hit Christchurch not only was I almost blind with my visor down, but by this stage I was desperate for a pee. Not a good combination, and every bump in the road made me feel like my bladder was going to explode and I’d have to explain why my leathers smelt like they belonged to an incontinent old age pensioner.
Suffice to say I made it, much to the amusement of the Bifflings who ran out to greet me only to see me sprinting past them attempting to fumble my whatsit out of my trousers, which is a task in itself when wearing gloves and with the effects of 2 and a bit hours of cold air. It was like picking up a cashew nut in a dense pine forest with an earth mover – get the picture (yes it was due to the cold – honest).
So, the moral of the story is, be prepared. It leave you to decide whether that means remember to take a clear visor or colostomy bag.
Biff out.