Ramius' Joke of the Day...

[Ramius]

"How to survive a terrorist strike hand booklet"

[Ramius]

Pussy Parade

[Ramius]

USA Definition

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the
President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and
I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?", To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have
to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush,
but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not
an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

[SPORK]

LOL SHE MEANS HE'S A CUNT!

Haha, just kidding, it's great :wari:

[Ramius]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of
the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get
the better of the builder...

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[vifferman]

.....Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
Kenny Everrett (or however you spell his name) almost got fired for doing a very similar joke on his TV show. It was a long the same lines, except explaining the history of rule in Great Britain, ending with, "And now that we've got Margaret Thatcher, we're just a country."

[Wolf]

Kenny Everrett (or however you spell his name) almost got fired for doing a very similar joke on his TV show. It was a long the same lines, except explaining the history of rule in Great Britain, ending with, "And now that we've got Margaret Thatcher, we're just a country."
Which I did not see, and nor did half the planet, but ol' Tin Tits kicked up such a public stink about it, people living in a cave in Mongolia got to hear the joke and how upset Haggy Thatcher was...

What do you expect from the bint that reputedly banned the Spilit Enz song Six Months in a Leaky Boat because she thought they were getting at her for her involvement with the Falklands War? Obviously lacks a few neurons.

Me? I'd've been as quiet as I could about the whole Kenny Everett thing...

[vifferman]

Which I did not see, and nor did half the planet
I laughed, then said, "Man - he's got a cheek saying that!" Then laughed some more.
My bro-in-law was working at South Pacific Television at the time (or was it Images? I dunno) but he head lots of contacts in TV and told me the story. What was even funnier than the Kenny Everett shows were the outtake tapes he used to get, from the BBC and other places. No, not the bloopers ones shown on TV at prime time - these were the uncensored ones. The outtakes of shows like Kenny's were pretty wild, and definitely hilarious.

[Ramius]

Kenny Everrett (or however you spell his name) almost got fired for doing a very similar joke on his TV show. It was a long the same lines, except explaining the history of rule in Great Britain, ending with, "And now that we've got Margaret Thatcher, we're just a country."

Ha ha. HHmmm...Wonder when Georgie's croonies will be coming around to pay me a 'visit' :grouphug:

[Ramius]

Straight from London...

[v.ros`]

Ramius, if i may borrow your thread for a wee bit...

ok here t goes........


________________________________________________

A SHORT FAIRY TALE

Boy meets girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy proposes to girl
Girl says hell no
Boy lives happy ever after :)

[Ramius]

13 things I hate about people!

[v.ros`]

hehehe nice... that guy is good.

[Ramius]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is
again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the f*cking wall!""
__________________________________________________ _

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it
with Ken."
__________________________________________________ _
Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have s*x.

MOST important....
4. These three women must NEVER meet

__________________________________________________ _

Most married couples mainly argue about two things, s*x and money. So
agree the price before you start.
__________________________________________________

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with
an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall
screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!

[Ramius]

The Bum test, you know you want to try it!

[Ramius]

20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point
a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical
sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Hard.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to someone to make them smile... it's
called..... therapy.

[feistyredhead]

now this guy is good! and i thought i would offend people with my jokes! :rofl: :whistle:

[Ramius]

Classic books for children.

[Ramius]

When you're too old to be a biker chick!

[Ramius]

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

[Eurodave]

Why did the guy finger the menstruating Gypsy girl ?










Cause he wanted to get his palm read for free!!

[MSTRS]

An Aucklander parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Aucklander grabs his mobile and calls the cops.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the Aucklander starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche,My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Aucklander finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Aucklanders are," he says."You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Aucklander.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Aucklander looks down in absolute horror. "F***ing hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?"

[Ramius]

Because I Am A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't,
know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never
get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never,
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, motorbikes, or rugby. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't
need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

[placidfemme]

Because I Am A Man

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't
need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

ditto....or your father for that matter........

[vifferman]

Because I Am A Man

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
NO.
Sex, bikes, or sex.
Cars are mostly pretty boring, except the ones I can't afford.
Football is for ....... [fill in the blank]

[scumdog]

__________________________________________________ _


Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with
an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall
screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!

Top marks for that joke, pissed myself!!! :rofl: :rofl:

[vifferman]

Top marks for that joke, pissed myself!!! :rofl: :rofl:
Yeah. Even though I'd read it before, I still laughed. It's a classic! :rofl:

[Sniper]

Bloody nice

[Wolf]

"I used to be able to fix these things, but now, with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

Sounds like dad, but he did "used to be able to fix them" (I probably still have valve grinding paste under my nails as proof of this even though dad died over three years ago - we all had to put in time doing the valve grinds)

[scumdog]

When you're too old to be a biker chick!

Aaarghhh!
Hidious crime against huMANity!!
Where was the warning?
Gouge my retinas out!!!
etc, ad neausium ad infinitum.......

That was SO not funny!

[Ramius]

WOMEN'S CONFERENCE

At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was how to
empower women in the home.

The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said;
"I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told
him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I saw
no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he
did his own washing."

The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights. The second
speaker was from America. She stood up and said; " I told my husband that
I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement.
After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result;
but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us."

Again the conference applauded.

Next came the Australian delegate. She said; "I told my husband that I
would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing,
after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a
little bit out of my left eye."

[feistyredhead]

i love it and it insults the aussies...funny! :whistle:

[Ramius]

To All Staff

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of
being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a fuck.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his fucking head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Listen fuckface.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my fuck'n ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on a salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: More fucking shit to do.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,

Regards
Human Resources

[Ramius]

TODAYS BLESSING

May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels
infest the crotch of the person
who screws up your day and
may their arms be too short to scratch

[Ramius]

Pretty self explanatory really...

[placidfemme]

To All Staff

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of
being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a fuck.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his fucking head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Listen fuckface.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my fuck'n ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on a salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: More fucking shit to do.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,

Regards
Human Resources

haha how did you get a hold of our company records... :rofl:

*swears more at work than at home*

Awesome... Rep coming your way for that one :)

[raster]

Well done Ramius :woohoo:

[Ramius]

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work daiquiri, a glass of wine on the weekend, you're even around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck
in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been
wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for a previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with
a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,

Your biggest fan


P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. No Kebab's are just not tasty enough Thank you!

4. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Ramius]

And, on the subject of Beer, here is an ad you probably haven't seen. Or you might have, I don't know.

[Ramius]

Here is an actual article from CNN in regards to Fellatio. I had to Zip it up as I could not upload it any other way.

(AP) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurance of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. A.J. Kramer of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurance of breast cancer in women."

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

"Only with regular occurance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

"This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

"There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages," he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers. Also key seems to be the protein and enzyme count in the semen, but researchers are again waiting for more test data.

The reasearch consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio and swallowed on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not or did not swallow. The group of women who had performed and swallowed had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

"The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio," Shafteer said. "It's a cause, not THE cause."

[MSTRS]

To All Staff



Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.


Thank You,

Regards
Human Resources
Some more in the same vein -
You're a fucking loser = That was unfortunate
You're fucking paranoid = Are you from Auckland
You're a dickhead = Ahhh, so you're from Takapuna
What sort of fuckwit are you = You're new here aren't you
Fuck off arsehole = Can I help

[Ramius]

Dont ever get this drunk...

[Ramius]

An oldie, but always a goodie!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike

behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a

urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what

to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot quicker than a

doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis

elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will

improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping at Woolworths.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples

from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer

prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor).

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

better.

Thank you for shopping at Woolworths.

[Ramius]

These may offend some people.... but who really cares?!?

[Wolf]

Arrgh, MEIN EYES! That last pic... MEIN EEYYYEEES.....

[Ramius]

Some more from the vault...Office Signs

[myvice]

I want that tie but my boss would nick it!

[Ramius]

I want that tie but my boss would nick it!

I once had the Screw You! tie. Couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to wear it:)

[Beemer]

I once had the Screw You! tie. Couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to wear it:)

You think that's bad, I used to manage a commercial stationery outlet in a former life and had a mug with a guy grabbing an employee by the throat and the words "Because I'm the boss, that's why!" on it. I had two employees, one a woman in her 50s, the other an extremely religious woman in her 30s (she would spend all her breaks reading the bible...) and both complained to my boss about the mug and I was told to take it home! I could understand if I had treated them with anything but respect, but no, they found it "offensive" - :violin: I think the main problem was that I was younger than both of them and they resented me being the boss!

[Ramius]

You think that's bad, I used to manage a commercial stationery outlet in a former life and had a mug with a guy grabbing an employee by the throat and the words "Because I'm the boss, that's why!" on it. I had two employees, one a woman in her 50s, the other an extremely religious woman in her 30s (she would spend all her breaks reading the bible...) and both complained to my boss about the mug and I was told to take it home! I could understand if I had treated them with anything but respect, but no, they found it "offensive" - :violin: I think the main problem was that I was younger than both of them and they resented me being the boss!

It's funny how people take offence to cups, and mugs. Once had an "Employee of the fucking month" mug. Took it to two jobs, and at both of them got asked to remove it. Ironic thing is, I was the best employee! :violin:

(Have you noticed that one of the most used "new" icons is the violin. Maybe we are all pathetic just like me..

[yungatart]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
Amen

[Coyote]

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

What is the answer?!

[scumdog]

What is the answer?!

Yeah, puuuleease tell us, it's one of the mysteries of life!! :psst: :confused:

[MSTRS]

What is the answer?!
Perfect size in any type of clothing but uncovered provides best results!!

[Coyote]

Come on! What is the answer?!

[yungatart]

Ya just gotta tell us girls that our bum is perfect, its like MSTRS said - however you must not lie while telling us its perfect, otherwise you are in deep trouble . Does that help? Sheesh- gotta lead them by the hand every step of the way

[Coyote]

Sheesh- gotta lead them by the hand every step of the way
Damn right ya have to, or else who knows what will happen

[scumdog]

Ya just gotta tell us girls that our bum is perfect, its like MSTRS said - however you must not lie while telling us its perfect, otherwise you are in deep trouble . Does that help? Sheesh- gotta lead them by the hand every step of the way

Sooooo, if it's NOT perfect AND you're not allowed to lie then what?? :confused:

Leading by the hand is good, keep it coming!

[Ramius]

For your viewing pleasure.

[Ramius]

S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.





Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.





Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.





Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.














But FART!! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

[MSTRS]

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased'.

[Ramius]

The other night I was invited out for a night with
"the girls." I told my husband that I would be home
by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and
the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the
hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realising he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with
such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to
escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I
got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem
disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I
asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the cat and farted."

[Ramius]

The secret of KFC

[Ramius]

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.!
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

So... why is it again that we work??

[v.ros`]

lol thats nice Ramius !

hahahahahaha

[Eurodave]

The secret of KFC

So THATS what chicken breasts actually look like!!!!

[Ramius]

And for todays amusement...

[Sniper]

Brilliant, thanks

[Skunk]

Cheers Ramius.

[Storm]

Keep up the good works

[Ramius]

For anyone who ever thought about cheating in an exam.......

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic
Chemistry. They did so well on all the midterm's and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time.
However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning
of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor
AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained
that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives
for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, and that they
couldn't
get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their
final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They
studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and
handed each of them a test booklet, which was out of 100 points) and
told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.





Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?

[Ramius]

Why soccer is struggling in America...

[Ramius]

Not really jokes, but I enjoy the pictures anyway...

[Ramius]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in
the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could
manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next
week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint
to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on
their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a
gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these
breasts."
Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit.
She says,"You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants
and replies,...... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

[Storm]

Excelllant work mate

[Ramius]

Anyone for Ice Cream?

[Ramius]

Dear IT Support

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to MS Girlfriend 1.0 from MS Drinking Buddies 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products
and the only solution was to try and run MS Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, MS Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and LapDance 6.1. Successive versions of MSGirlfriend proved no better.
A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs
and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for
several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus, Cleanhouse 2000 and Flatshirt 3.1.
Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run; For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail pornfilter and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources; It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an Illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MSMoney files before un-installing itself.
Mistress 2000 then upgrades to Wife 2.0 and the whole process
continues, with a consequent need to upgrade resources to keep pace with the extra demands on the system. This is particularly noticeable if Wife 2.0 has the additional OwnKids 3 plug in installed. Any Ideas?

Regards

Ramius

[Wolf]

Dear IT Support

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to MS Girlfriend 1.0 from MS Drinking Buddies <snippage> Any Ideas?

Regards

Ramius
Try installing Divorce 1.0 which should wipe the system fairly clean (warning, any child processes spawned by Wife 1.0 may leave a process called Alimony 1.1 which is difficult to remove) and you can revert to the Drinking Buddies programs.

Regards
IT Help Desk

[strayjuliet]

Try installing Divorce 1.0 which should wipe the system fairly clean (warning, any child processes spawned by Wife 1.0 may leave a process called Alimony 1.1 which is difficult to remove) and you can revert to the Drinking Buddies programs.

Regards
IT Help Desk


Lmao.
Dear IT help desk,
I have tried many times to install divorce 1.0 but husband 1.0 wont let me what can I do.??? :chase:

[froggyfrenchman]

hahahaha, funniest thing ive hears all day!

[Sniper]

Lmao.
Dear IT help desk,
I have tried many times to install divorce 1.0 but husband 1.0 wont let me what can I do.??? :chase:

Please install Hitman v2.3 which should solve the problem. Beware of spyware which may upgrade itself Jail sentence v6 to 7. Also please note that Hitman v2.3 will cost a fair bit to install

[Wolf]

Please install Hitman v2.3 which should solve the problem. Beware of spyware which may upgrade itself Jail sentence v6 to 7. Also please note that Hitman v2.3 will cost a fair bit to install
And Hitman 2.3 may also be inexplicably deleted by Husband 1.0 owing to the Self Preservation 1.9 runtime that comes as standard... :ar15: :2guns:

[strayjuliet]

Please install Hitman v2.3 which should solve the problem. Beware of spyware which may upgrade itself Jail sentence v6 to 7. Also please note that Hitman v2.3 will cost a fair bit to install


Cost no problem if Husband 1.0 has Life Insurance 2.3.
My understanding is that Damn Good Lawyer 2.3 can take care of Jail Sentence v6 to 7. :devil2:

[BNZ]

Cost no problem if Husband 1.0 has Life Insurance 2.3.
My understanding is that Damn Good Lawyer 2.3 can take care of Jail Sentence v6 to 7. :devil2:

Not that it matters as the full version of Jail Sentence v7 is written for Bali, and they only have a limited license option for NZ that often expires early. If you are lucky you can even source the local product diversion-XP

[Wolf]

Cost no problem if Husband 1.0 has Life Insurance 2.3.
Boy, is she shit outta luck on that score...

My understanding is that Damn Good Lawyer 2.3 can take care of Jail Sentence v6 to 7. :devil2:
And could make Life Insurance 2.3 vanish pretty quick, too

[strayjuliet]

Boy, is she shit outta luck on that score...

So is he...
(Wicked evil grin.) :devil2:
My signature says it all...

[Ramius]

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, police officers descend on Tony's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Tony and leave.

The phone rings at Tony's house.

"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."
"Happy Birthday", mate

[Ramius]

Extreme Vehicle Safety!

[Sniper]

Marvellous, hehe

[Ramius]

DISORDER IN COURT


From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things
people
actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son- the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?




Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers
of
the
word in various parts of the world...

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina
show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did
you
observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and
put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God.."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God.."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give.."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it."
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give.."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give.."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and.."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and.."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the
truth
and.."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and.."
CLERK: Say "Nothing."
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say "Nothing but the truth.."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say, "Nothing but the truth"?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth..", yes?
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth.."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth.."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The",
"Truth."
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse
down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the
duckpond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know.. His thing. His di--. I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you
were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."

[Wolf]

Would love to have been asked some of those - although it would probably cost me a fortune in "Contempt of Court" fines...

(Quotes in blue, my answers in black)

Q: This myasthenia gravis- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Well, until now I had forgotten the reason I consider lawyers to be retarded. Thanks.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

No, I sent a stunt double. Risky things these photos...

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Me. But I got better.

Q: Did he kill you?

[Totally serious] Yes.

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

About negative 600mm, give or take, in places - it was a pretty spectacular collision.

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Are we talking phyisically or mentally, here? As in: I'm mentally here right now, but you...

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Several times. Hasn't slowed me down, any.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Sorry, I don't fuck and tell...

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

No. I'm still sleeping on the couch because of that...

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

[Again, totally serious] Mine.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

I'm not sure, the individual was wearing a T-Shirt proclaiming "The Amazing Wonko's Travelling Freak Show"...

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

No, but I can cite previous relevant experience.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Nope, sorry, can't top that one.

[Ramius]

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's president of the United States."

[Ramius]

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-------------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy m@rijuana, press the hash key...."
-------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my
younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't
find
any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that
he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'nothing doing, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
strong
currant.
--------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
--------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak
and heat it too.
--------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[Dadpole]

In response to your "harmless" prank of glueing a quarter to the floor
at the top of stairs, let me just say that my 87 year old grandmother
died as a reasult of that trick. She was about to descend the stairs
when she noticed the quarter, and as she stooped over, she lost her
balance, falling headlong down the granite stairway. (Imagine the glee
on the faces of the jr.high students who planned the trick.) As tragic
as that was, she had lived a long and happy life, and though it was a
terrible loss on our part, we felt much worse for the young lady our
grandmother fell into, who also lost her balance (as well as her grip on
the stroller which held her twin infant daughters). She helplessly
watched the stroller careen into the street, where a passing school bus
swerved to avoid it, thereby running into the electrical transformer,
whereupon everybody on the bus went up in smoke (18 in all). The baby
buggy continued into the other lane of traffic, and it was broadsided by
a trash truck, which knocked the stroller, and the two screaming
children 187 feet. The garbage truck driver, overcome by grief failed to
notice the radio tower support wires, which snapped on impact with the
truck. The resulting whiplash severed the tail of a passing Cessna,
which crashed into the local hospital, demolishing it. So, next time you
contemplate a seemingly harmless prank, just consider the possible
consequences.

[Ramius]

A young man moves into a new apartment on his own and goes to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. Whilst there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes dressed in a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it became obvious that she was wearing nothing else. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming".



He followed her into the apartment and she closed the door and leaned against it allowing the robe to fall off. Now nude, she purred at him "What would you say is my best feature?"



Embarrassed, he finally squeaked. "It has to be your ears".



Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!!? Look at these boobs - full and firm and 100% natural. I work out every day. My butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that my best feature is my ears!!??"



Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me".

[v.ros`]

Sorry Ramius..

didnt wanna create another thread for this ONE picture...so am borrowing your thread for a bit.. hope ya dont mind :)