Sniper
27th July 2005, 08:04
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
______________________________________
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to
her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she
exclaimed:" But I don't have any money.
I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". The man arched an
eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes,
anything" the blonde promised. 'Well then, just follow me" said the
man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and
close the door" the man said. She did. He then said, "Now get on your
knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead
... take it out ...." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with
both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered,
"Well ... go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it... and while holding
it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello, mom, can you hear me?
__________________________________________-
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to
80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There
ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with
the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up
to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel
like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving
that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
__________________________________________________ _____________
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went
to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that!
I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then went to his
brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a
million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're
sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with
two sluts and a fag.."
__________________________________________________ _____________
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25
years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into
a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the
bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it
appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his
bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a
woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a
hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have
sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever
you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be
strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen
a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering
in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept
the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
__________________________________________________ ______________
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's
office, after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to
all those who could use a lift.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor
Assisted Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now, and it's nice to
know that someone is thinking of me. God Bless you for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot
of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked, if she could
listen to mine, and I said #$@* you.
Life is good.
Sincerely,
Edna
__________________________________________________ ______________
California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep
alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little
bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear
unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs
of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain
berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little
bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
______________________________________
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to
her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she
exclaimed:" But I don't have any money.
I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". The man arched an
eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes,
anything" the blonde promised. 'Well then, just follow me" said the
man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and
close the door" the man said. She did. He then said, "Now get on your
knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead
... take it out ...." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with
both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered,
"Well ... go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it... and while holding
it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello, mom, can you hear me?
__________________________________________-
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to
80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There
ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with
the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up
to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel
like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving
that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
__________________________________________________ _____________
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went
to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that!
I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then went to his
brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a
million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're
sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with
two sluts and a fag.."
__________________________________________________ _____________
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25
years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into
a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the
bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it
appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his
bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a
woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a
hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have
sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever
you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be
strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen
a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering
in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept
the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
__________________________________________________ ______________
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's
office, after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to
all those who could use a lift.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor
Assisted Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now, and it's nice to
know that someone is thinking of me. God Bless you for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot
of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked, if she could
listen to mine, and I said #$@* you.
Life is good.
Sincerely,
Edna
__________________________________________________ ______________
California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep
alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little
bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear
unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs
of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain
berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little
bells in them and smell like pepper spray.