The Dawn Ride - My attempt at a short story

[The Singing Chef]

I have just started writing a short story to amuse myself whilst looking for a job and have just finished Chapter 1, if you guys mind giving it a quick read and letting me know what you think, does the writing style make you want to read more? Is it too descriptive or not enough? You get the point.

Cheers.

Read the story here (http://throughtheeyesofarider.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/the-dawn-ride-a-short-story/)

[slofox]

For my taste, the language is a little ornate.

Hope you don't mind me saying so.

[The Singing Chef]

For my taste, the language is a little ornate.

Hope you don't mind me saying so.

No not at all, thank you.

[ducatilover]

Neat story :yes:

Can I have the Duke tail unit on your race bike? (assuming it's your one at the top of the page, if not, ima steal it)

[The Singing Chef]

Neat story :yes:

Can I have the Duke tail unit on your race bike? (assuming it's your one at the top of the page, if not, ima steal it)

Cheers bro, click on "follow" if you want to read the rest of it.

Haha you cheeky bastard, it's mine, all mine!

[Taz]

Hmmmm.....

[The Singing Chef]

Hmmmm.....

That was very constructive. <_<:blink:

[Zedder]

Despite the wonderful descriptive writing, I wasn't drawn into the story. More about what the rider is feeling, and why, would be good. I think the empathy would draw a reader into the story more.

[The Singing Chef]

Despite the wonderful descriptive writing, I wasn't drawn into the story. More about what the rider is feeling, and why, would be good. I think the empathy would draw a reader into the story more.

awesome, thanks for the feedback mate.

[mashman]

I'm just waiting for the other rider to give the kiss of life and start to rub the fallen riders man bits... the story is gay and that's all that was missing. (I felt most of that crash and hate you for it, cool story though)

[Hitcher]

Overwritten to buggery. And I'm not sure where the story is taking me, so won't be a starter for future chapters.

Stories like this need to share something about the writer to give readers a sense of connection.

[Red39]

I'm just waiting for the other rider to give the kiss of life and start to rub the fallen riders man bits... the story is gay and that's all that was missing. (I felt most of that crash and hate you for it, cool story though)

Hey Chefie, agree with Slofox - language is quite ornate and overly descriptive - but entertaining :) . I suggest you add more of the man love for Mashman - he can't get enough of the stuff. ;)

[mashman]

Hey Chefie, agree with Slofox - language is quite ornate and overly descriptive - but entertaining :) . I suggest you add more of the man love for Mashman - he can't get enough of the stuff. ;)

Oi, that was a secret...

[Hellzie]

Swap some words around, and that would make an awesome porn novel. :shutup:

[Winston001]

Overwritten to buggery. And I'm not sure where the story is taking me, so won't be a starter for future chapters.

Stories like this need to share something about the writer to give readers a sense of connection.

Good on you Chef, writing takes thought and introspection.

I have to agree with Hitcher but don't be discouraged. You are writing as a biker instead of for a reader. There is a big difference. More focus on the rider and less on the bike. Style is important but only comes through experimentation. For example, an orb of fire does not warm, it burns.

I thought the mystery bike was going to turn out to be your guardian angel ghost rider, saving your protagonist from an unexpected sharp corner. That would work better.

I'll give it an edit if I get a moment.

[Winston001]

Ok here are the first couple of paras, just to give you something to think about. I'm no author but my wife is so have learnt a tiny bit.


"The morning sun is rising over the distant hill tops, far-away trees illuminated by the warm glow from the nascent orb. The sky painted cerulean blue, small whiffs of clouds drift overhead and birds of all shapes and sizes fly above, emitting their morning call.

A deep rumble growls through the crisp air, the monotonous bah-bah-bah from the powerful engine hangs like the early morning fog around the bike. Steam rises from the race-can, a dragon ready to face it’s foes. The matte black fairings hug the bike and the world gleams in the mirrored visor of the rider on the tuned beast.

A twist of the throttle, the bike launches into the distance, rear tyre spinning with a cloud of smoke drifting out onto the cold tarmac smearing the rubber. The roar from the engine penetrates the picturesque scene and echoes throughout the hills. The wind pushes against the rider going into corners, as the bike settles down and grips the road with what seems like an unbreakable bond. His knee scrapes the road as the bike pivots through the canyon. Coming into a tight corner, he pulls on the front brake, harder and harder and the weight lifts from the rear, the front of the bike loads up, he lifts off the front brake and locks his leg into the tank and leaning out feathering the throttle, kicking it down gear by gear, maintaining traction little by little as he drops into the corner.".....

[The Singing Chef]

I'm just waiting for the other rider to give the kiss of life and start to rub the fallen riders man bits... the story is gay and that's all that was missing. (I felt most of that crash and hate you for it, cool story though)

Bum sex will be in the next chapter bro! :laugh: Thanks Mashman.


Overwritten to buggery. And I'm not sure where the story is taking me, so won't be a starter for future chapters.

Stories like this need to share something about the writer to give readers a sense of connection.

Yea I see what you mean, cheers for the feedback.


Hey Chefie, agree with Slofox - language is quite ornate and overly descriptive - but entertaining :) . I suggest you add more of the man love for Mashman - he can't get enough of the stuff. ;)

I try to make it so that they can picture it in their minds as they read it and build up a base of the setting to carry them on throughout. Thanks though :-)

Good on you Chef, writing takes thought and introspection.

I have to agree with Hitcher but don't be discouraged. You are writing as a biker instead of for a reader. There is a big difference. More focus on the rider and less on the bike. Style is important but only comes through experimentation. For example, an orb of fire does not warm, it burns.

I thought the mystery bike was going to turn out to be your guardian angel ghost rider, saving your protagonist from an unexpected sharp corner. That would work better.

I'll give it an edit if I get a moment.

Thanks heaps for the edit, I see exactly what you mean, will have another look over it an more than likely bang out a second chapter. Practice makes perfect.

[ducatilover]

Oi, that was a secret...
No it wasn't :laugh: